Tag Archives: sad

Grass isn’t greener, it may be dead.

For years I was so hopped up on (prescription) pills I was pretty much on auto pilot. I felt dead. I used to beg my doctor to fix me, make me feel SOMETHING. I was cutting alot just so I would feel ANYTHING. Now? MAKE IT STOP.

I cry at everything. EVERYTHING. Im irritable. Im impatient. I feel, alright. TOO MUCH.

Isn’t there some kinda middle? Where I can watch a commercial and not cry? That would be awesome.

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Yes what I’m about to say is petty, and I really DGAF.

Although half of it deals with facebook, I’ll write it here because no one will bother to read it that I’m talking about. Note: only half is about facebook, before I go on. Somethings been bothering me about people for about three years and its two things, and they are stupid and petty, and that’s why its taken me three years to actually say something about it. But it’s built to a point and you know once the straw breaks, its done.

1. Facebook: Somehow I always read about these great adventures of friends where they tag who they were with. That’s not the problem. Kudos for them for living life. My problem (while stupid and petty, again, I already know this) is that whenever *me* and a person (and again, generalizing as this has happened with more people than I care to mention or count) do anything at all, nothing is ever said. I’m really beginning to feel like that person who people are friends with as long as their other friends don’t know. Like, it’s ok to be my friend, just don’t talk about it. This is happening more and more WITH more and more. I’m worried about even tagging people any more–what if one of their friends sees? (sarcasm). Don’t get me wrong. I almost never get out of the house. I almost never do anything with anyone, so obviously the times I do go out, I notice. I hear about stupid mundane days spent with other people….don’t I get to be stupid and mundane? (No, obviously just stupid and petty…) I’m just really sick and damn tired of never being mentioned. Ever. It’s like, objectifying my whole existence. I’m really beginning to feel like whats the point?

2. Not facebook: You ever been with a friend and they get a call? Of course. But lemme tell you how it plays out in my world:

  1. They answer the phone. Someone asks what theyre doing. They answer “nothing, you?” I’m apparently nothing. Thanks. Then, to add insult to injury, they stay on the phone. Well, thanks. You’re AWESOME company.
  2. You call them while they’re with a friend. You get “OH _____ IS HERE/ON THE OTHER LINE CAN I CALL YOU BACK?!” Yeah, that woulda been nice when you were with ME and THEY called but apparently thats only a one way street, got it.
  3. Person gets a text. They proceed to have lengthy conversation with person while hanging out with me.
  4. I text a person. It may or may not get answered next Tuesday.

Call it whatever you want. Hell, just reading it I can see how it sounds. But Jesus Fucking Christ I am SO fucking tired of being number 2, 3, 5, 17, 100 when I go above and beyond for people all the time. Not only am I not appreciated but jesus…. whatever, I got this out thats all that matters.

I’m Still Here

This song is very fitting to my life usually, but more so recently. I added this version because I took the time to make it almost 2 years ago. I was going to just put a lyric video, but I’m putting the lyrics after the video anyway. In case anyone don’t know the video, it’s from LOST.

I am a question to the world,
Not an answer to be heard
Or a moment that’s held in your arms.
And what do you think you’d ever say?
I won’t listen anyway…
You don’t know me,
And I’ll never be what you want me to be.

And what do you think you’d understand?
I’m a boy, no, I’m a man..
You can’t take me and throw me away.
And how can you learn what’s never shown?
Yeah, you stand here on your own.
They don’t know me ’cause I’m not here.

And I want a moment to be real,
Wanna touch things I don’t feel,
Wanna hold on and feel I belong.
And how can the world want me to change?
They’re the ones that stay the same.
They don’t know me,
‘Cause I’m not here.

And you see the things they never see
All you wanted, I could be
Now you know me, and I’m not afraid
And I wanna tell you who I am
Can you help me be a man?
They can’t break me
As long as I know who I am

And I want a moment to be real,
Wanna touch things I don’t feel,
Wanna hold on and feel I belong.
And how can the world want me to change?
They’re the ones that stay the same.
They can’t see me,
But I’m still here.

They can’t tell me who to be,
‘Cause I’m not what they see.
Yeah, the world is still sleepin’,
While I keep on dreamin’ for me.
And their words are just whispers
And lies that I’ll never believe.

And I want a moment to be real,
Wanna touch things I don’t feel,
Wanna hold on and feel I belong.
And how can they say I never change?
They’re the ones that stay the same.
I’m the one now,
‘Cause I’m still here.

I’m the one,
‘Cause I’m still here.

-Goo Goo Dolls “I’m Still Here”

Being chained to a pill dispenser

This summer I decided for the first time in 17 years I was going to not take pills. At all. Not even an anti depressant–the only thing Ive been on non stop for 17 years. It took about 1.5-2 months before not only was I depressed, I was in a depression psychosis. Since that little set back, I got put back on pills…more than I was taking before, and I’ve taken them faithfully every single day for over three months. And they worked. They worked well. Then they didn’t work so great anymore.

I was irritated easily. I was depressed. I didn’t want to do anything or go anywhere. So, against my psychiatrists better judgement, (he only likes to “up” one pill at a time, for obvious reasons, but I know what I’m doing, I’ve done it 17 years) he ups my Zoloft (now I think I’m at max theraputic dose) and doubles my risperdal. He only wanted to do the risperdal, but I reminded him about this summer and how fast I sink. And this is going to be one hell of a winter, I can already tell. In the meantime, I gain 8 lbs in two months, so my family doctor decides to put me (back) on topamax (on a tiny dose, 25. I was on over 400 a day before, and didn’t lose any weight.)

They also three months ago made me get on birth control to help tame my overreacting hormones and my nonreacting menses. So at that point, I’m on BC, levoxyl for hypothyroid, elavil for fibromyalgia (which is ALSO an antidepressant), zoloft for depression, risperdal for psychosis, topamax for weight loss. I come back to the doctor, and managed (after changing my diet, not drinking any pop, drinking tons of water, and being on this topamax) to gain 4 more lbs. So off of topamax, and back on metformin for insulin resistance.

I’m sitting here watching the clock, its about 45 mins until I take my pills for the day. I haven’t missed one dose since I’ve been back on the pills. But now, with doubled risperdal, and my body getting used to the upped zoloft (which shouldn’t make me tired) and the metformin, I’m SO damn tired. I used to only take .25, I’m up to 2. Hardly a maxed dose, but the most I’ve been on ever, plus all the other meds, plus even though I’m on max zoloft, and also elavil, I still am depressed, and still don’t want to do anything. At this point I’m beginning to wonder if I have ANY serotonin in my body AT ALL. I’ve been maxed out on zoloft and luvox both, until it wrecked my liver (or kidneys, I cant remember which organ luvox effects.)

I can’t really complain, I used to take 15 a day. Everytime something was off, they just would double everything I was on and hope it worked. All that happened was me being doped to the gills not having a damn clue about anything, nor can I remember 2000-2004. I have a vague rememberance of part of 2003. But regardless, I’ve been on a lot of pills since I was 17. I hate relying on them to be “normal”. Without them, I’d most likely end up staying in a mental facility. I feel really bad for people who take more than I do just to stay alive. I wonder how they feel. Are they grateful for the pills, or are they mad at them for being their lifesource?

I’m not real sure what the point of this post was when I started writing it. Probably to bitch and moan about having to be chained to a pill bottle to function. There’s alot of other things I’d like to write about, but until I can really sort my feelings out about the topics, I can’t really write about them. Holiday season sucks. Especially for mentally ill people. Especially for me.

July was a very, very bad month.

I was just reading backwards on this site, and July–I wonder how I lived through it. I want to put on the record what has happened between that mindset, and now.

Soon after the tirading posts about being worthless and a burden, I started “seeing” things. They weren’t “there” but I knew they were there. I saw them in my mind. My house was being overrun by these weird demon people. I spent nights up with insence trying to rid my house of these problems. I went to my psychiatrist, at this point, I had not been on ANY medication for almost 2 months. Since I have been diagnosed I have never, ever, not been on AT LEAST an antidepressant. The past 14 years, I have ALWAYS been medicated.

At the point, I literally stopped taking EVERYTHING for two months. When my mom or husband asked me if I took my medicine, I just kinda mumbled and nodded or changed the subject. I didn’t want to lie and say I took it, so when I was pressed, I would just say “I’ve missed a few doses, I’m going to be more careful”, and it would be dropped after more conversation.  I was tired of relying on pills to make me “normal”. Its degrading and I was so sick of it.

I went into a depression psychosis. I went into my doctor, and had an absolute melt down in the office. I was told I was going to have to have an in home visiting nurse to monitor me. I was going to have to go back on anti psychotics, and possible other pills that we would add gradually. I had never had a depressive episode in summer. Summer was the time for mania. For spending and speeding, and whatever else I could get my hands into. Maybe it was our lack of funds, my inability to spend or speed, that did it. There was alot of stress, building stress from a few years ago. It was coming to a head and I couldn’t deal anymore.

My hormones at that point were a complete disaster. I was tested (again, the first time at 23!) to see if I was going through menopause. I was not. I was put on pills to fix the issue, between hormone issues, and psychiatric issues, and stress issues, they really wanted me medicated. And I had not been any kind of medicated for 2 months.

Getting back in the swing of taking pills was easier, only due to the birth control that you have to take or it fucks up. That honestly (due to my fear of puking) is the only reason I have managed to take my pills, every day, since I was put back on them. (Last time I was on birth control, I missed one, in 2002, and doubled up, and spent the next day puking my guts out.) The demons are gone, (though every now and then I think they might check up on me) stress is somewhat lifted. I still feel like I’m being watched and there are people around me I can’t see, but I’ve always felt that way. Me and my husband chose to take care of some things in life that were really bothering us. Maybe one day I’ll talk about it. Today is not that day. Stress has gone down alot. We are getting along alot better. Life is looking up.

For a month, I had to go to my moms on Mondays, to avoid him on his day to go back to work. We would get in horrible arguments where he would (for the third/fourth time) mention divorce, during these days. I couldn’t handle the stress and pain this was causing so I would sleep at my moms on Mondays for about 4-6 weeks. With one tiny minor slip up, I have been able to return home on Mondays. We get along so much better its almost scary. We don’t fight alot any more. We’re even  more honest than we were before. I’m not as folded into myself. For a long time, I just wanted to be left alone. In every way possible. My depression had just bottomed out. I have never went into psychosis from depression. That was a huge wake up call to me. I knew I needed medication. I have stayed on it, and feel better. I just worry for the day my brain rationalizes that “Im better” and I dont need it anymore. God help me when that happens.

Insanity

Long term depression, you’d think of my expression
and maybe you’re correct
My blank eyes stare through everyone
knowing they’re there
but not totally comprehending

I’m very misunderstood
and no one tries to help
I can’t really say anyone could
when I can’t even help myself

Not totally insane
at least–not yet

No one can feel the pain
in my heart; in my head
I hear a constant pounding
don’t know where it is at
and the way it’s sounding
is making me lose my mind.

Insanity, depression
all the same to me
in my minds judgemental session
both of them are to be.

-March 30, year unknown

Hiding Within

My lonely tears fall down my face
down they fall, and mark their place
on this poem I am writing here
the one I write, through more unshed tears

Who am I? Why am I here?
Not understanding, just feeling fear
I know who I am, just not the real me
That’s the one I need to know
she hides inside of me

I don’t know how to bring her out
I don’t know exactly what I’m about
One day I hope I’ll bring myself
into this world
Until then I hope and pray
that day will come, someway.

-March 27, year not known.

Deceived-March 20, 1996

Looking out that window pane, sitting in my chair,
wondering how long–or if–I’ll stay sane,
the tension is thick in the air.
I’ve been hurt too many times-
the pain inside is overwhelming me.
It has stepped over the invisible line,
and now it is consuming me.
Now I tend to my severely broken heart,
and the same goes for my pride.
They both have been torn apart,
but I keep my hurt inside.
I have to play the part; even though it isn’t me,
Yet again, I’ll have a new start,
they time comes closer-
again I’ll be deceived.

I Need To Be Me-March 26, 1996

What is wrong with the real me?
No one understands: I need to be free.

No one to control, yet someone to care;
I need independence, but someone who’s there.

Can’t you see this is what I need?
Someone to follow, and no one to lead.

I need to make my own mistakes;
and fix them up, as long as it takes.

When I adventure alone in a dream,
the feeling is great; everlasting it seems.

Then I awake to bitter reality:
No one cares about the real me.

They say they care, but it’s just a facade.
The outside world is normal–and I am an inside odd.

I need to fly, I need to soar,
I need to cry, and fear no more.

I need to be happy, I need people to see:
I need to be loved. I need to be me.

1-27-13 When everythings made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am.

Iris-Live

When I’m listening to Pandora, this live version of Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls comes on and I’m always reminded how seeing and hearing the song live is practically a religious experience.

At the end of 2011, on the last day of their tour, I had been up 30 hours when I decided I wanted to go to the concert. I had been listening to Boyce Avenue for sometime, and saw that they had Alex Goot as a pre-act. (Also Green River Ordinance, which at the time I didn’t know I had heard of.) The whole show was completely amazing, as expected. It was in Ann Arbor, MI, a small venue. We took this with a cell phone. My dumb husband realized the battery was going to die and missed the very end, the best part, after the crescendo. At least I managed to get this.

For anyone who has ever had depression, or have self harmed, this song is… a bible. I can’t really put into words how well it describes my feelings. I truly believe this will be a song long remembered, especially by my generation.

And I’d give up forever to touch you
‘Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be
And I don’t want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
When sooner or later it’s over
I just don’t want to miss you tonight

And I don’t want the world to see me
‘Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can’t fight the tears that ain’t coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you’d bleed just to know you’re alive

And I don’t want the world to see me
‘Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am