Tag Archives: remember

Another self discovery (Im just full of them recently)

While conversating on another post of mine, I’ve come to yet another self realization. Just call me Epiphany.

In a completely non sexual related manner, I have more issues.

I blame it on Chinese astrology:

I’m a dog.

Lets take this apart.

Dog people are honest, faithful and sincere. They respect tradition and value honor, and enjoy helping people. The Dog is very righteous, and always is the first to speak out against injustice. He is not good at socializing with friends, and rarely shines in company, but he is intelligent, caring and a good listener.

Honesty-what gets me in trouble. Faithful-Ridiculously so. Helping people-its what I do, even when I don’t want to. Injustice-I cant be around it. I am always fighting againt injustice. Lack of socialization-I am your token introvert. Intelligent-the only thing I pride myself on.

Loyal, faithful and honest, he has the most profound sense of duty. You can count on him and he’ll never let you down. And as a good listener, the Dog is also very reliable in keeping secrets for others. He simply doesn’t like to gossip.

Counting on me-I will not speak to you for years, and you call me in an emergency, and I will come to you. I know, its happened. Secret keeping-while most people know that I run at the mouth, Im keeping some major secrets for people. Even after years.

The Dog is an agreeable companion – when he is in a good mood. But when panic strikes, he can turn nasty, and bark till he is tired. He can be judgmental, defensive and picky if you rub him the wrong way, but as long as you know how to pet and massage him, the Dog makes absolutely the best and most honorable companion on earth.

Agreeable-here, I’m sure some of you are laughing. But there is many times I actually will agree just to end an arguement. Panic-that is what got me in trouble from 17-24: When I thought I was being left/uncared for I ran for the hills for replacements. I panic when there is a lack of stability. Judgemental and defensive: everyone swears I am judgemental, but I swear to you, I am not judging you. I AM opinionated on whatever topic, however. Defensive-I am constantly “justifying” myself, out of being defensive. I have to justify every mistake, every step. It has been brought to my attention many times.

Dogs are born old and get younger as they age. They take everything very serious. You may hear the Dog complains a lot about street lamps, about traffic, or about weather, but as he gets older, the less he takes his own criticisms seriously.

Ive been an old soul since I was born. Ask anyone who knew me as a child. I actually laughed out loud when I read the next part: get younger as they age. My husband literally said to me about a year ago “when you were 17, you were 90. When you were 30 you were 17.” Maybe in our rush to grow up, we miss enjoying being young. I know that was my problem. Now I am 31 going on 15 like some warped Benjamin Button.

The loyal Dog makes a splendid captain of industry, a priest, an educator, a critic, or a doctor. But whatever his career, it’ll have in him a spokesman whose ideals will be profound and often original.

Ive been told I’d make a good doctor, or teacher.

When the fear becomes reality, Dogs go a little crazy. The Dog enters a relationship where he is the giver and the partner is the taker. He is usually very generous and loyal, and in love, he is honest and straightforward. But he will have romantic problems all his life – it’s his own fault, really: he leads himself by his emotional in stability and his eternal anxiety. He is a worrier.

I literally just said “Oh my god” as I read this. Fear makes me make stupid, life altering mistakes. I have always been the giver, not the taker. There was a time I was a taker. I was young and stupid. As I got older, I am most definetely the giver. I give until I have nothing left, and usually, don’t get a whole lot in return. I am super generous. Loyal to an absolute fault. There are toxic relationships that if given the chance, I would probably go back to, because I don’t know any other way. In a relationship I am more than honest and straightforward. I will never lie to you, and I will be brutally honest…at the sake of anything good. So I will have romantic problems my whole life, eh? Awesome. It probably IS my own fault. Oh hell, who am I kidding, of COURSE its my fault! Worry is my middle name.

I don’t know how to give up. I just don’t. I can’t let go. Of anything, of anyone. I think of people I was friends with 20 years ago, and wonder where they are, what theyre doing, wonder why we’re no longer friends. It almost always ends with me as the issue. I think I’m a smotherer. I’m not real sure.

Everyone flinch here, I’m gonna quote LOST:

Christian Shephard:┬áThe most important part of your life was the time that you spent with these people on that island. That’s why all of you are here. Nobody does it alone, Jack. You needed all of them, and they needed you.

Jack Shephard: For what?

Christian Shephard: To remember. And to… let go.

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I know its been a minute…

Life kinda is at a standstill. We’re moved, but not completely done. He’s been on vacation because BMW shuts down for the 4th of July (how patriotic -_-) so were financially fucked. My air conditioning unit went to hell after the move, but it was fixed today, which was nice because living in the 8th layer of hell was getting old. Its literally rained 18/19 days. My yard is a swamp and if I go outside, I am a mosquito buffet. I had a job interview for a place I put an app in like a month ago. I could tell she wasn’t paying any attention to any of the questions she was asking me. I contemplated giving really bizarre answers just to see if my hunch was right, but then thought better not. Needless to say, not getting that job. Which is ok. Because they asked me two questions in about covering my tattoos that people “may find offensive”. Well, what I find offensive is letting someone on the sales floor in a tank top two sizes too small and flip flops. But hey, to each their own, right?

Ive become bored with most everything. Nothing seems worthwhile. I get on World of Warcraft, but then get bored. I scroll through facebook or tumblr for awhile, but then tire of that. Ive been watching alot of netflix and tv recently…something I dont normally do. Now that my tv is back in my bedroom, I may never need to leave bed, either. My L5 disc in my back thinks that to be an awesome idea.

Im sitting in my office, I can hear the train in the distance. I dont have on a radio, or a tv, or anything. Just silence. I like silence. I really hate when we’re both in the office because he was to have tv on, or some kind of noise. I like silence.

Ive been quite literally itchy lately. My skin feels weird…like I dont belong in it or something. Like its not used to being there. I could chalk it up to the water…its new water. From Detroit. Supposedly better then the water I was getting. I guess my water probably had all sorts of nuclear shit in it since I live like under 10 miles from a nuclear power plant. I guess having water that people are dead in is better? Or so they assured me when I asked about it.

Its already half way through July. What am I doing with my life?

I read an article that people of my generation have peter pan syndrome. Ive been “grown up” since I was like, 12. But that doesn’t stop me from wishing life would slow the fuck down and chill. I just wish things were the way they used to be. Even though they were shitty, I still would like them back, in a weird way.

I also find it odd that while I write this, people who have never and will never meet me face to face will read it, while people I have know for years will remain clueless. Even though this posts through to my facebook, my tumblr, my twitter… none of them will take the time to even look. I dont know how I feel about that. Part of me finds solice in the fact I can literally write anything I want and it will never be read…and part of me wonders why people don’t find it important to read.