Tag Archives: personal

Ive found its either go or stop.

Either things are going on enough that I have a topic to write about, or its so dead I can’t find anything to write about. Can’t we have a nice middle? But then again, thats life. 100 mph or dead.

Im back to my old sleep schedule: nonexistant. Im up all hours, and I get up somewhere near lunch to dinner. Thank you risperidal for keeping it straight as long as you did. Unfortunately I cant afford your prices or the weight gain any longer. I didn’t realize it had quite spiraled back to that until I was at Burger King at 4pm and the manager was like “How is your lunch/dinner?” and I answered with “breakfast.” Yep, its baaaack. On the other hand, Im getting to listen to alot of music on pandora and Ive read more books this month than last year combined. (1-2 per couple days.)

Mentally for a long time, with 3 exceptions as of late, I just stay in a “mixed” state. They’re hard to medicate. They’re hard to live with, but I’m pretty used to them by now. Considering its February, my normal month of ruin, I’m just sitting here waiting for SOMETHING to change. Either a depression so deep I can’t function, or a high that kicks my ass. For once I’d be happy with the mixed state. This weather isn’t helping at all, of course.

Once upon a time I handled writing correctly, a beginning middle and end. Here’s the end.

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It’s not enough not to lie

You know how people say “Oh, everyone lies!”

I don’t. As in, I refuse.

I’ve lost ALOT of people over this.

Don’t ask me if your ass looks big in that…if it does, I’ll tell you.

Some people have commended me on my honesty.

Others, ran screaming. (Can’t honestly say I blame them.)

There was a time…we’ll say…up til about…five years ago, that there were some people I would…not be entirely…upfront…with. Lie to them? Never. But I held a LOT of stuff back. Mostly out of fear. Mostly out of fear they’d not talk to me again. (If you’re curious how that turned out, lets just say I have alot less friends these past 5 years…) I’ve always, always, been an honest person. I’ve never stole. I tell on myself. If you ask me my honest opinion, you’re going to get it. (So if you don’t really want to know, don’t ask me, it’ll save us both alot of time and arguing!)

I’ve always been a person who believes in “treat others the way you’d like to be treated.” Some people would probably argue with that. They’d tell me how “I wouldn’t like being talked to like that,” or some other protest. But in all honesty, I would. My biggest problem is that people DON’T tell me the truth. They don’t ness. lie, but they don’t offer up the truth.

I’ve heard “I didn’t want to tell you…” more times than I care to count. It’s usually followed by “because I thought you’d judge me.” Let me stop there and explain something. I don’t judge people. It’s not for me to judge. However. I do…reply. And I could see how someone would possibly think that was a judgement. But it’s not. I promise you.

I’ve always been honest with my husband. Always. We have the most open relationship on the planet. He tells me when girls are cute. I tell him when I find people attractive. I tell him everything on my mind, even stuff most people would never dream of telling their significant other. Things that might be brutal to hear. But I believe it is owed to him.

Once, I went on a spree of finding everyone I ever wronged, and telling them I was sorry. Whether it was through a face to face, a phone call, a letter. I wanted to be honest with them about whatever had went on. There’s a person here or there I’d still like to do that with, but don’t think I ever will. I’ve as of late opened my self up TOO much perhaps. (Is there such a thing? I’m sure most would agree there is a limit…)

I know I’ve come across at times as judgemental. Tactless. Blunt. Rude.

Is it sad that I’d rather have people be the same to me… I’d rather be “slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie.” I don’t want you to kiss my ass when I’m around and talk shit about me to whoever will listen. I want you to be straight up with me. I am straight up with you.

Does this mean I’ve never “talked behind someones back?” Hell no. Of course I have… hell…I’m probably alot more guilty of it than most, to be honest! But when I’m doing that, it’s to prep for later, when I talk to the person about that very thing. I ususually write things when I want to talk. My words in person get jumbled up, there is no backspace key when youre in real time. I cry. Alot. I cry when people yell at me. I always have. I look like I’d rip your head off, but if you yell at me, I will cry.

I know there are consequences for my truth. I was told once by someone that I needed to “stop not saying things…” so I did. And now they won’t talk to me. I did what they wanted, and they’re gone. I know that sometimes when you call me to vent, and I take up for you on your side, it makes you hate me for being against the person you’re complaining about. But I can’t help it.

This all probably came to be written because this afternoon me and my husband had another one of our talks. And I had told him a few things that I… not KEPT from him, just things that any NORMAL person would keep to themselves. I feel guilty for that. I feel guilty when I think something that I know would hurt someone. I have to tell them so I can ask their forgiveness. I don’t know what hurts more…the fact I had to tell them something probably best left unsaid, or the fact that I have to deal with the aftermath of knowing regardless I hurt the person. At least if I had kept whatever to myself, they’d be oblivious, right? They wouldn’t hurt. So maybe its selfish of me to be so honest. I don’t know.

I hate that my mind goes 24 hours a day at lightening speed, thinking up things I don’t want to think about, that make me feel guilty, that make me feel like I have to tell people, that makes them angry with me. I hate that people hate ME because I’m honest. Because of the WAY I’m honest. I can’t help it. I wonder if there is a name for it? Does it run with my OCD? That I LITERALLY have to tell the truth…it is an obsession.

I wonder if one day my truth will make me end up alone.

Theres alot of things I’ve said that should have gotten me to that point. Really, there is. I’ve said/done some things that I wish I never had. (Much like anyone else.) But do I really have to tell on myself afterwards? Most people are smart enough to leave it locked up, with a key. Me? I put that shit on billboards and set them on fire.

Honestly, sometimes it sucks to be honest.

I’m a dying breed.

Seriously.

This isn’t going to be a post about how much “better” I am than you. It’s a post about being different, therefore, not understanding…95% of people on the planet. And it’s got me into trouble/fights more than I care to count.

Maybe it started of as a religion thing. I can’t really be sure.

Sex wasn’t really something we talked about. I was brought up on horror and violence, but sex scenes were fairly taboo. Maybe that’s what started it.

Every therapist I’ve ever been to swears I was molested and I’m blocking out the memory, but I wasn’t.

I just believe that sex is not…how can I put it? Without it coming out wrong?

All my friends love sex. I even have a few in the addicted category. I’m not a prude by any stretch of the imagination. And before, I was skinny and somewhat confident, so it can’t be just from poor self esteem from weight gain. I just can’t handle the thought of people seeing me naked.

And I can’t wrap my head around (and here it is: ) multiple sex partners. No, I don’t mean, orgies. I don’t mean being in a relationship and cheating. I mean, as in, (oh boy…) ever.

Yep, did I lose you?

I can count the amount of people I have kissed on a hand..(and add a finger, I’ll be honest.) I can count the people I’ve been even REMOTELY intimate with on half a hand. And I can count the people I’ve been with sexually with my nose.

Yep. 31, and never been with more than one person.

No, this doesn’t mean I’m “better” than you. It means I can’t understand….most people.
I’m one of those people who get insanely attached. Fast. BOOM. Which luckily (hell, trust me, its also been UNLUCKILY!) means I’m loyal. Ridiculously. Loyal. (Any and all non loyalness stemmed from manic episodes, and even then, I never cheated.) This means a few things.

I can’t understand one night stands.

I can’t understand fuck buddies.

I can’t understand having “long term” (ie six month) relationships every six months.

I just can’t literally understand it.

I’ve been in two ACTUAL relationships in my whole life. One for a little under three years, one just hit fourteen. Yes, the math is shocking. Im 31, spent 17 years of that in long term relationships. (Like I said, that loyal thing…)

How do people go on to love 5 people in life? 10? They do. I see it all the time. Fourth marriages. Seven relationships that all last a few years.

HOW? Seriously…it’s kept me up at night, and kept me thinking for hours while I drive….

My brain would most likely explode.

I (seriously, shut up) looked into HYPNOTHERAPY to get the first guy outta my head. After seven years, I had had enough. At ten years I had to write a letter apologizing for my life because I felt it was owed. Its been 14 years now, and it’s still in daily thought. And yes, my husband is fully aware of such things. Because with my loyalness comes honesty…brutal honesty. Brutal because I have hurt many people in my quest to be honest. That’s for another post entirely…

So tell me, explain to me, help me understand, what would happen to people like me if I had say, 5 I loved? I would most likely be commited. I would lose my mind. (worse than I already have!) Two people ever in my life (and something else we wont go into here….) and I feel like that’s all that could ever fit. Ever. Like, if my husband died tomorrow (knock on wood of course) I literally would probably never be with someone again. ‘Oh sure you would!’ you say. No. HOW? How is there any more room left in my head?

So people think I’m a prude. Or that I’m weird. Or any other myriad of things. But I just feel….like it’s literally IMPOSSIBLE for me to ever be with more than one person. Don’t think I haven’t thought about this whole situation long and hard, I have. I think that’s why I cycle backwards. I’d have to go back to something I was familiar with, and that will not happen. Hopefully for me, we’ll be one of those couples that dies 15 hours apart after our 80th wedding anniversary…even though my husband swears he won’t make it past 45.

If that’s true, it’s going to be a long lonely road for me.

Sometimes (alot of times) I wish that I could be like everyone else, and that if the time came, I could move on. But something about it just won’t let me. Maybe I was born in the wrong era. Maybe my brain thinks it’s 1712. Sometimes being different really sucks.

Got some new merch, got some new info

So I ordered my business cards, a shirt, and 2 keychains with my logos and stuff on them. They came like a week after I ordered (thank god I didnt order fast shipping for 3x the price!) and turned out awesome. I went to the county fair today, wearing the shirt. Talked to a realtor person about trying to find a small shop. As in, uber small. Smallest of the small. Hobbit-hole-esque. Then there was a lawyer there, I asked him his opinion about how to get something up and going. He says for 500 bucks all the paperwork etc can be done. Then there is the small matter of insurance. (Which why the FUCK do you have to insure every damn thing. Seriously I got told, I need ins incase some nut decides that I “made” him go kill someone…) but point is, in a year or so I could be fully up and running. All legit, etc. I have my websites up. I have my cards. Ive been looking into fairs etc to join in on. I have a year of retraining and restudying while I get my legal shit in order. Well see. But all in all, it was an interesting day.

http://niteowloracle.net

http://facebook.com/niteowloracle

http://twitter.com/niteowloracle

Ive pretty much been glued to the computer/phone for 48/72 hours

Considering Ive barely slept enough in three days for one night, Id say Ive spend entirely too much time on the computer the past few days.

I am utterly and completely exhausted and I keep thinking, go take a nap. And yet, here I sit.

On a random note, Id really like for WordPress to stop telling me I have new likes and adds after I’ve already cleared them. You get my hopes up and smush them like tiny bugs. I take that follower count seriously, dude.

I revamped my website. Only to realize I hated it, bought another URL, redid the first website, made the second website, made a new facebook/twitter/email to go with the second one. So now my art (http://niteowl-media.com) has its place, and my tarot reading has its place (http://niteowloracle.net) Because originally I put them together and while it didnt look bad due to seperate pages, it just seemed really really odd.

Then I spent a couple hours today remaking business cards, etc.

I also have spent ridiculous amounts of time on the phone in the past 36 hours. I don’t like the phone, and I don’t like using it to have to talk to people I don’t even know about situations that are none of their business. I only ended up screaming at and hanging up on one, and I think that is a personal best.

-Called 7 places about selling my van. (In good news, van is sold now because of this.)

-Tried to figure out where the hell my student loans are which only required three different places giving me numbers to the next guy to answer my questions, but now thats taken care of.

-Called my cable company and told them their tech guy was a qualified douchebag, to come get their shit outta my house. It ended up with them sending a new guy out and fixing the problem the original fuckstick was too lazy to fix.

-Called my bank to report my card lost/stolen only for them to tell me I had to pay 7.50 for a new card on an account Ive had over a decade that I dont lose cards on. It pissed me off enough I told them to put a hold on my card and that if I didnt find it in the seven days there was a hold I would come pull all my money out and take it elsewhere. Yes, over 7.50. Why? After posting it to facebook, had someone tell me how they get free cards from them. Yeah, fuck you bank.

-Ended up blowing up social media and filing a report at a mall after some unprofessional shiz went down. That was totally how I wanted to spend my day. But then again between that instance (because the owner of a store yelling their customers are bitches and to GET THE FUCK OUT OF HER STORE in front of a 10 and 13 year old is GREAT PROFESSIONALISM), the tech guy being misogynistic little prick, and the bank being assholes, Im about 589809% done with customer service.

-After making comments the past year and a half about how I have no idea how people break their Iphones, broke my iphone. I have THROWN it, DROPPED it, you name it. Never a dent. Never a scratch. I was tired as fuck from no sleep, it slipped about 3 feet from my hands and BOOM diagonal fuckdom on the phone. So guess who gets to go drive up to best buy and fix that solution?

How is it that all this random bullshit is actually while VERY GODDAMN ANNOYING, not enough to make the past few days horrible. Of course, get back with me in a day or two. I may have changed my mind.

Just not enough time in the day

The situation where I am is a little annoying, but knowing where to point that annoyance is getting harder.

We moved my house. The house has been in its new spot since late June. The air conditioning didnt work until about a week ago. (Well it wasnt hooked up AT ALL to begin with, then when it was, it was hooked up wrong.) I don’t work. My husband works so much I almost never see him, as he is a truck driver. He has maybe 48 hours over the stretch of the week that hes home, and obviously some of that is spent sleeping. The rest of that time?

Regardless of the fact that, lets be honest, my husband is slacking, in the end, even if he WASNT there just isnt enough time in a day. Granted the past couple weeks getting him to do much of ANYTHING has been like pulling teeth. But on top of that, it rained 17/18 days in a three week span. Its been a heat index of about 105 for the past few days, plus other sporadic heat waves. My yards been flooded, and its been ravaged by mosquitoes on top of that. If you take all that into consideration, plus the fact he isnt even in the state most of the time, and when hes home he does some work and some relaxation, obviously this house is not getting done in a timely manner.

Im beyond annoyed at the fact that Ive had numerous people offer to help and not show up. Honestly, if youre not really planning on helping can you do yourself and me a favor and not offer to make yourself look good? Because you end up looking like the deceitful lying jackass you are. Ive had some people offer and GENUINELY cannot stand to their word due to THEIR lives, and those people I have no issue with. I do have issues when others tell me they will help and we count on that help and in some times WAIT for that help only for it not to show, which then sets us even FARTHER back.

I refuse to name any names or even hint as to any of these peoples identity. Its not important. Whats important is that I’m losing my mind from this mess, I need it done and over and not only is it NOT done and over, its multiplying. On top of the mess of the move there is the mess of every day life, there is a mess of animals there is just MESS. And when you have OCD its hard to deal with that mess.

Ive not been as “helpful” as I should be. Im fat, Im out of shape. My fibro kicks up not only due to the weather, the stress, and any other reason, but I also havent been taking my meds correctly. Again, falls on me. Im not as strong as needed sometimes. My OCD keeps me from doing alot of shit. My PCOS is being its wonderful self and Ive been bleeding for almost a month straight. And in the end, I just dont have the energy or even care enough to work on it. Its spiralled into this “theres so much to do, lets just do nothing.” So instead, I spend my time bitching while getting nothing accomplished. The things LEFT to do are just stupid menial shit that honestly if everyone shut up, pitched in, and grinded it out, each room would take under an hour. Stuff needs to be hung. Standard cleaning like dusting/vacuuming. Thanks to this damn dog every room needs to have its carpet cleaned. But instead there are boxes and random crap all over. Nothing where it needs to be. I have no kitchen table, there are boxes covering it. My living room table, covered in stuff we need to get rid of. Then there is stupid bullshit maintenance stuff that I cant understand why it doesnt get done.

Im angry because when he comes home, he wants to not work on it. He wants to relax. (And obviousy, who the hell doesnt deserve to relax, esp people who work 70 hours a week!) He’ll however find time to go help someone ELSE with whatever. The funny part about that issue is that those same people that hes helping, cant ever seem to find time to help back. We need tons of help.

Im angry because people offer and then dont come through with the actual help.

Im angry because I pretty much fail at everything in life and if I was a normal person this all would have been done by now.

Im angry because he works like he does and when he does come home its either he cleans or we spend time together but theres never time for both. And even then, its pointless wanting that because the time spent isn’t with me anyway. Its either time spent with someone else doing something for them, or time spent by himself doing whatever he wants to do.

Im angry I cant do anything or go anywhere while hes gone, and then he gets home and we still go no where and do nothing. As of late I cant be fiscally mad due to the fact we have no money for anything. But if we do have money, its pointless too.

Im angry because instead of DOING something about it, Im sitting here WRITING about doing something about it instead.

Im not blind. Im not stupid. I KNOW how this looks to people. “I dont work” “What do I do all day” “Why arent you working on it more if it bothers you so much”. I dont know where to start, and I dont know what I can do by myself and so all I do is spend my time doing stupid menial shit like laundry.

In reality I know this isnt just his fault. In reality its a mix of everyone and no one all at the same time. There just isn’t enough time in the day to finish what needs to be done.

Tornadoes

Last night I dreamt I was going to go camping. We didn’t have the money but we had some saved up. It started to get cold so it seemed kind of pointless. I think I was at my sister in laws except it looked alot like the old house my father in law used to live in. It faced Lake Erie. Anyway, out of nowhere the siren goes off and there is a huge outbreak of tornadoes. At least 3-5 waterspouts. (this could have been brought into the dream because I just shared a picture of a waterspout on face book). We finally (and I mean finally–for some reason my husband was taking forever to decide to leave!) leave and were headed north. We end up (weirdly) at my sister in laws best friend (that I dont even know very well IRL) house and some other girl I believe I went to school with is there.  They were having some kinda party or something, but the outbreak of tornadoes was closer. We saw at least 4-7 more. We decided to go to walmart. We couldnt figure out after going west for sometime how to go south…we were kinda in “backwoods” but not really…in my head I know exactly where about we were.

The weird part (ok so youre saying THIS is the weird part, have you read the rest?) is they were looking for this road to go south and they couldnt remember where it was…they kept calling it something else. I remember passing Frances road which doesnt even exist here. We found the road, and I distinctly remember driving this same way in a dream recently. I think the road name had changed. But I just drove this way in a dream within the last week. We got them to the road to turn south (now apparently the driver was in the back seat with me…or maybe we were both in the front and the car decided to drive itself, I dont really know…) the tornadoes had calmed down. We ended up deciding to drive them back so we wouldnt waste gas driving all the way to walmart then coming back to drop them.

She had 4 toilets in a room….most were used for storage for a toilet that apprently looked alot like one of those trash cans that opens with a top that opens in the middle. Apparently you took a “top” off every time you used it. So it required alot of tops…and alot of storage. I think it was some kind of a shower…baby, maybe?

Anyway…I dream about tornadoes…ALOT. Never just one, either. Thats the only reason my super realistic dreams show me Im not awake. When I have a tornado dream, there are no less then 10 in the outbreak. Yes, I know what they mean in “dream theory”. And yes, that is probably a reason Im dreaming about them. All I know is I really hate tornado dreams.

At least this one was so weird I knew I was sleeping.

Dream another dream

So normally I have these dreams that are very very normal. As in, I don’t sleep much because I’m awake in another dimension. (Thats a WHOLE other story…)

Last night, per usual, I was in a “dream” that was so real, I was more than shocked when I “woke up”. This dream however, for once, was a “weird” dream. Very, very weird, actually. And normally I usually forget my dreams pretty much after wake up. Parts of this one stuck with me because they were insanely real, but also insanely odd.

I don’t remember alot of it. I know that somehow, I ended up in this weird building. Very….modern. This would be more than likely either hundreds of years in the future, but more than likely not on this planet. (This is a VERY new one for me, hence why it probably felt so real.) I was in a group of people. I think there was somewhere around 6 of us, some men, some women. I remember this place having alot of rooms, alot of glass. At some point the dream shifted into the part I’m going to go into. There was blue…slimes, and black slimes. And the blue slimes, were…at least, not bad. The black slimes were bad. There was a room of blue slimes in one of the glass rooms. But in this room, if you tampered with them, they started to become black, but these black ones were able to be eaten. There was a food shortage, so this was a good thing. But sometimes people got very sick and possibly would die if they ate these particular ones. Even though the black ones were “bad” (this was just the vibe I was getting from them.) they were the edible ones. The blue ones were a very vibrant colbalt. They moved around alot. Probably 2-3 feet tall, 2 feet wide.

There was a weird broadcast on the television. I think we were under some kind of attack. Or something. I know that the six of us were on the run, and were scared. I remember rooms but I cant remember alot of the beginning. I know we were running. I know we got here, and the people in the building didnt want us there. Once we got inside the blue slime room, people left us alone. I remember watching the blue slime change orange, then into the black.

This dream told me it was important but I have no idea why. I didn’t think to look up anything in dream diagnosis, but it wasn’t really telling me it was important as in decoding. I guess I’ll find out if I ever have a continuation of it. Continuations are quite normal for me. I have memories and continuations on a nightly basis. So far I’ve come to realize I have 3-4 “reaccuring” dream dimensions. I hope this isn’t a fifth. This one just felt….anxious.

Maybe I should start writing them down one day. I don’t know if I ever actually would, due to the nature of the dreams. And by that, they are all branches of this reality, but each one has a different path. They are all the same, but each one has a reason why I know theyre not all the same.

Oh, I also remember being in this building before we were on the run. It was a weird…store. There was shelves. There was pugs on random shelves. Real ones. The store was odd and there was 2 men that ran it but then sometimes there was a few others. Walking from the store once, I walked along the back of what would be my mother in laws house but it wasnt because it was on a corner instead, with a different porch. I wanted to buy these 2 pairs of shoes. One I thought was white but it kept making me think it was light pink. The other was blue. The fit like socks filled with gel. There was other shoes. Lots of shoes. I was under the impression it was a dollar store but it sold things that shouldnt have been. I spent alot of time there, I was there past closing but it didnt matter because they never leave the store.

To think I actually welcome this mish mash of weirdness over my normal dreams. At least with these I wake up and know fairly quickly I was dreaming. Usually I wake up and cant understand why I am where I am and what reality am I in.

I’m so lazy I’m on my phone

Remember that person that stayed on their couch so long they became a part of it? yeah that’s probably going to end up being me. I don’t want to move. the most I’ve done in the past two hours is swat at this goddamn mosquito that keeps feeding on my dog that’s on my leg. 

ive missed a few doses of medicine lately but that can’t account for the shitty mental status I’m in. at least I’m not so far gone that I dot realize what’s going on. I’m sure another week or so and I’ll have no clue if it continues at the rate. 

 

im beyond apathetic. do just don’t care bout anything. I’m lonely but don’t want to be around people. they just annoy the shit outta me. I can’t explain my issue I don’t even understand it myself. I’ve barely left my house at all the past two weeks and when I do it’s to go to family. or take my husband to work. it’s mid July. the years is half over. the summer is flying by. and I’m just here. always just here. waiting. 

for what I don’t know. 

I know its been a minute…

Life kinda is at a standstill. We’re moved, but not completely done. He’s been on vacation because BMW shuts down for the 4th of July (how patriotic -_-) so were financially fucked. My air conditioning unit went to hell after the move, but it was fixed today, which was nice because living in the 8th layer of hell was getting old. Its literally rained 18/19 days. My yard is a swamp and if I go outside, I am a mosquito buffet. I had a job interview for a place I put an app in like a month ago. I could tell she wasn’t paying any attention to any of the questions she was asking me. I contemplated giving really bizarre answers just to see if my hunch was right, but then thought better not. Needless to say, not getting that job. Which is ok. Because they asked me two questions in about covering my tattoos that people “may find offensive”. Well, what I find offensive is letting someone on the sales floor in a tank top two sizes too small and flip flops. But hey, to each their own, right?

Ive become bored with most everything. Nothing seems worthwhile. I get on World of Warcraft, but then get bored. I scroll through facebook or tumblr for awhile, but then tire of that. Ive been watching alot of netflix and tv recently…something I dont normally do. Now that my tv is back in my bedroom, I may never need to leave bed, either. My L5 disc in my back thinks that to be an awesome idea.

Im sitting in my office, I can hear the train in the distance. I dont have on a radio, or a tv, or anything. Just silence. I like silence. I really hate when we’re both in the office because he was to have tv on, or some kind of noise. I like silence.

Ive been quite literally itchy lately. My skin feels weird…like I dont belong in it or something. Like its not used to being there. I could chalk it up to the water…its new water. From Detroit. Supposedly better then the water I was getting. I guess my water probably had all sorts of nuclear shit in it since I live like under 10 miles from a nuclear power plant. I guess having water that people are dead in is better? Or so they assured me when I asked about it.

Its already half way through July. What am I doing with my life?

I read an article that people of my generation have peter pan syndrome. Ive been “grown up” since I was like, 12. But that doesn’t stop me from wishing life would slow the fuck down and chill. I just wish things were the way they used to be. Even though they were shitty, I still would like them back, in a weird way.

I also find it odd that while I write this, people who have never and will never meet me face to face will read it, while people I have know for years will remain clueless. Even though this posts through to my facebook, my tumblr, my twitter… none of them will take the time to even look. I dont know how I feel about that. Part of me finds solice in the fact I can literally write anything I want and it will never be read…and part of me wonders why people don’t find it important to read.