Tag Archives: past

Letting Go is something that comes up alot

There seems to be a weird thing that follows me. I love/obsess things that have to do with “letting go” (while listening to a song saying the lyric over and over lol.).

There is LOST which one of the key things in it, especially in the last scenes which has an entire speech about it.

There is the song “Let Her Go” by Passenger. “Letting Go” by Sozzi, which is showcased in Dawsons Creek. (A show that means alot to me.)

I think it comes up so much because I utterly suck at being able to do it.

I can never let go of mistakes Ive made. I can’t let go of toxic people in my life. I can’t let go of my past. I can’t let go of people that are already gone. (That last one I’m finally starting to come to terms with, thank god.) I can’t let go of just about anything, to be honest. I’m stuck.

I don’t mean to be. I don’t WANT to be.

I read once in a numerology book that there are certain things each life cycle we are meant to have, or meant not to have. I don’t know how true that is, and its for a whole other entry on what exactly I’m missing out on, but it does make me think. There has to be something celestially going on that I am this bad at letting go of things in life. I wish I could go into some of the topics, but this is a public place and on the infantisimal chance they were to ever find this, I won’t right now. eventually I may. It has to do with a handful of people.

I used to have a really good memory. Like, REALLY good. Once I got on all these psych meds, I walked in a stupor for approx 4-5 years. I can barely remember anything from 1999-2003. Flashes, sometimes. Maybe I don’t want to let go of things because that would just be more I couldn’t remember? I can really only guess. I’m sure there is some psychological reason. Maybe because my mom went out on Thursdays when I was a kid. Who knows?

I actually quoted the scene from LOST in another entry on here, I remember doing that. Don’t remember what one, or why. Maybe I was complaining about it. I do that alot. I know I’ve posted the lyrics to “Let Her Go”–mostly because it really reminds me not only of life in general, but of being bipolar.

Probably why Ill always remember this:

The most…important part of your life, was the time that you spent with these people. That’s why all of you are here. Nobody does it alone Jack. You needed all of them, and they needed you.”

“For what?”

“To remember…and to…let go.”

Another self discovery (Im just full of them recently)

While conversating on another post of mine, I’ve come to yet another self realization. Just call me Epiphany.

In a completely non sexual related manner, I have more issues.

I blame it on Chinese astrology:

I’m a dog.

Lets take this apart.

Dog people are honest, faithful and sincere. They respect tradition and value honor, and enjoy helping people. The Dog is very righteous, and always is the first to speak out against injustice. He is not good at socializing with friends, and rarely shines in company, but he is intelligent, caring and a good listener.

Honesty-what gets me in trouble. Faithful-Ridiculously so. Helping people-its what I do, even when I don’t want to. Injustice-I cant be around it. I am always fighting againt injustice. Lack of socialization-I am your token introvert. Intelligent-the only thing I pride myself on.

Loyal, faithful and honest, he has the most profound sense of duty. You can count on him and he’ll never let you down. And as a good listener, the Dog is also very reliable in keeping secrets for others. He simply doesn’t like to gossip.

Counting on me-I will not speak to you for years, and you call me in an emergency, and I will come to you. I know, its happened. Secret keeping-while most people know that I run at the mouth, Im keeping some major secrets for people. Even after years.

The Dog is an agreeable companion – when he is in a good mood. But when panic strikes, he can turn nasty, and bark till he is tired. He can be judgmental, defensive and picky if you rub him the wrong way, but as long as you know how to pet and massage him, the Dog makes absolutely the best and most honorable companion on earth.

Agreeable-here, I’m sure some of you are laughing. But there is many times I actually will agree just to end an arguement. Panic-that is what got me in trouble from 17-24: When I thought I was being left/uncared for I ran for the hills for replacements. I panic when there is a lack of stability. Judgemental and defensive: everyone swears I am judgemental, but I swear to you, I am not judging you. I AM opinionated on whatever topic, however. Defensive-I am constantly “justifying” myself, out of being defensive. I have to justify every mistake, every step. It has been brought to my attention many times.

Dogs are born old and get younger as they age. They take everything very serious. You may hear the Dog complains a lot about street lamps, about traffic, or about weather, but as he gets older, the less he takes his own criticisms seriously.

Ive been an old soul since I was born. Ask anyone who knew me as a child. I actually laughed out loud when I read the next part: get younger as they age. My husband literally said to me about a year ago “when you were 17, you were 90. When you were 30 you were 17.” Maybe in our rush to grow up, we miss enjoying being young. I know that was my problem. Now I am 31 going on 15 like some warped Benjamin Button.

The loyal Dog makes a splendid captain of industry, a priest, an educator, a critic, or a doctor. But whatever his career, it’ll have in him a spokesman whose ideals will be profound and often original.

Ive been told I’d make a good doctor, or teacher.

When the fear becomes reality, Dogs go a little crazy. The Dog enters a relationship where he is the giver and the partner is the taker. He is usually very generous and loyal, and in love, he is honest and straightforward. But he will have romantic problems all his life – it’s his own fault, really: he leads himself by his emotional in stability and his eternal anxiety. He is a worrier.

I literally just said “Oh my god” as I read this. Fear makes me make stupid, life altering mistakes. I have always been the giver, not the taker. There was a time I was a taker. I was young and stupid. As I got older, I am most definetely the giver. I give until I have nothing left, and usually, don’t get a whole lot in return. I am super generous. Loyal to an absolute fault. There are toxic relationships that if given the chance, I would probably go back to, because I don’t know any other way. In a relationship I am more than honest and straightforward. I will never lie to you, and I will be brutally honest…at the sake of anything good. So I will have romantic problems my whole life, eh? Awesome. It probably IS my own fault. Oh hell, who am I kidding, of COURSE its my fault! Worry is my middle name.

I don’t know how to give up. I just don’t. I can’t let go. Of anything, of anyone. I think of people I was friends with 20 years ago, and wonder where they are, what theyre doing, wonder why we’re no longer friends. It almost always ends with me as the issue. I think I’m a smotherer. I’m not real sure.

Everyone flinch here, I’m gonna quote LOST:

Christian Shephard:┬áThe most important part of your life was the time that you spent with these people on that island. That’s why all of you are here. Nobody does it alone, Jack. You needed all of them, and they needed you.

Jack Shephard: For what?

Christian Shephard: To remember. And to… let go.

I’m a dying breed.

Seriously.

This isn’t going to be a post about how much “better” I am than you. It’s a post about being different, therefore, not understanding…95% of people on the planet. And it’s got me into trouble/fights more than I care to count.

Maybe it started of as a religion thing. I can’t really be sure.

Sex wasn’t really something we talked about. I was brought up on horror and violence, but sex scenes were fairly taboo. Maybe that’s what started it.

Every therapist I’ve ever been to swears I was molested and I’m blocking out the memory, but I wasn’t.

I just believe that sex is not…how can I put it? Without it coming out wrong?

All my friends love sex. I even have a few in the addicted category. I’m not a prude by any stretch of the imagination. And before, I was skinny and somewhat confident, so it can’t be just from poor self esteem from weight gain. I just can’t handle the thought of people seeing me naked.

And I can’t wrap my head around (and here it is: ) multiple sex partners. No, I don’t mean, orgies. I don’t mean being in a relationship and cheating. I mean, as in, (oh boy…) ever.

Yep, did I lose you?

I can count the amount of people I have kissed on a hand..(and add a finger, I’ll be honest.) I can count the people I’ve been even REMOTELY intimate with on half a hand. And I can count the people I’ve been with sexually with my nose.

Yep. 31, and never been with more than one person.

No, this doesn’t mean I’m “better” than you. It means I can’t understand….most people.
I’m one of those people who get insanely attached. Fast. BOOM. Which luckily (hell, trust me, its also been UNLUCKILY!) means I’m loyal. Ridiculously. Loyal. (Any and all non loyalness stemmed from manic episodes, and even then, I never cheated.) This means a few things.

I can’t understand one night stands.

I can’t understand fuck buddies.

I can’t understand having “long term” (ie six month) relationships every six months.

I just can’t literally understand it.

I’ve been in two ACTUAL relationships in my whole life. One for a little under three years, one just hit fourteen. Yes, the math is shocking. Im 31, spent 17 years of that in long term relationships. (Like I said, that loyal thing…)

How do people go on to love 5 people in life? 10? They do. I see it all the time. Fourth marriages. Seven relationships that all last a few years.

HOW? Seriously…it’s kept me up at night, and kept me thinking for hours while I drive….

My brain would most likely explode.

I (seriously, shut up) looked into HYPNOTHERAPY to get the first guy outta my head. After seven years, I had had enough. At ten years I had to write a letter apologizing for my life because I felt it was owed. Its been 14 years now, and it’s still in daily thought. And yes, my husband is fully aware of such things. Because with my loyalness comes honesty…brutal honesty. Brutal because I have hurt many people in my quest to be honest. That’s for another post entirely…

So tell me, explain to me, help me understand, what would happen to people like me if I had say, 5 I loved? I would most likely be commited. I would lose my mind. (worse than I already have!) Two people ever in my life (and something else we wont go into here….) and I feel like that’s all that could ever fit. Ever. Like, if my husband died tomorrow (knock on wood of course) I literally would probably never be with someone again. ‘Oh sure you would!’ you say. No. HOW? How is there any more room left in my head?

So people think I’m a prude. Or that I’m weird. Or any other myriad of things. But I just feel….like it’s literally IMPOSSIBLE for me to ever be with more than one person. Don’t think I haven’t thought about this whole situation long and hard, I have. I think that’s why I cycle backwards. I’d have to go back to something I was familiar with, and that will not happen. Hopefully for me, we’ll be one of those couples that dies 15 hours apart after our 80th wedding anniversary…even though my husband swears he won’t make it past 45.

If that’s true, it’s going to be a long lonely road for me.

Sometimes (alot of times) I wish that I could be like everyone else, and that if the time came, I could move on. But something about it just won’t let me. Maybe I was born in the wrong era. Maybe my brain thinks it’s 1712. Sometimes being different really sucks.

Its almost July, time moves faster as you get older

Sitting here watching a movie on Netflix, realizing that I can’t hear for shit ever when people are talking, but man when those action scenes happen, suddenly its apocolyptically loud.

Im also realizing its damn near July, that 2012 is half over, that I’ve spent 1/6 of 2012 living at someone elses house, that I spend half my time completely content, and the other half completely depressed, I still have no idea what the hell I want to do, and even when I think I figure it out, it doesn’t work out. I also just realized that was a fucking long sentence.

This supermoon is really pissing off my back right teeth. My cheek is swollen. Theyre usually worse at new moons, but apparently its making the full moon exception that it does on occasion.

I’ve picked up quite a few new followers lately. Thanks for reading my very boring posts about my very boring life. Every now and then I write something worth posting, but usually after something thought provoking happens. Tonight, however, I’ve just sat here on netflix watching horror movies, and contemplating what I can do new in life. New piercing? Tattoo? Hair color? Life was so much easier when I just starved myself for control. What do I have control over now? Doesn’t seem like much of anything, to be honest. I feel like I have little to no say about anything in life. Which is bizarre at 31. Most people can control their jobs, or social life. I have neither. I dont really participate in life much. Im actually kinda starting to feel like a houseplant.

Wow…I also just realized how behind I really am…if anyone noticed, I literally said this was 2012. Where the hell am I? Seriously.

You know…when you dont have much of a “present” to worry about…you spend alot of time contemplating the past. And the future. Ive never been one to “live in the now”. I either dwell on the past, or I fret about the future. How every thing I do will affect later…then spend time worrying both about the past where Ive done what Ive done, and the future, and how I will deal with it.

If Im starting to lose anyone with this train of thought….

you’re not alone.

1-8-13 When will it be One Day Too Late?

Every day we are on this planet, we say “I’ll do it tomorrow.” “It can wait until this weekend.” “It’ll get done eventually.” We put off talking to people we should check up on. We put off mending failing and failed relationships. We always have this thought that tomorrow is guaranteed. That the sun will rise, and ourselves with it. But what would happen in those seconds before your life was taken away?

Tick tock hear the clock countdown
Wish the minute hand could be rewound
So much to do and so much I need to say
Will tomorrow be too late

Feel the moment slip into the past
Like sand through an hourglass
In the madness I guess I just forget
To do all the things I said

[Pre]
Time passes by
Never thought I’d wind up
One step behind
Now I’ve made my mind up

[Chorus]
Today I’m gonna try a little harder
Gonna make every minute last longer
Gonna learn to forgive and forget
‘Cause we don’t have long, gonna make the most of it

Today I’m gonna love my enemies
Reach out to somebody who needs me
Make a change, make the world a better place
‘Cause tomorrow could be one day too late
One day too late
One day too late

[V2]
Tick tock hear my life pass by
I can’t erase and I can’t rewind
Of all the things I regret the most I do…
Wish I’d spent more time with you

Here’s my chance for a new beginning
I saved the best for a better ending
And in the end I’ll make it up to you, you’ll see
You’ll get the very best of me

[Bridge]
Your time is running out
You’re never gonna get it back
Make the most of every moment
Stop saving the best for last