Tag Archives: OCD

Been there, done that, fucking recycling it apparently.

I know at least one article at some point in this wordpress has an article Ive already wrote, Im just too lazy/pissed off to actually find it.

Sometimes it doesn’t really bother me. Most times it just picks at me. Today it fucking just hauled off and pissed in my face, which is why I am here, writing about it again. And prolly coz people on FB will get all pissy and delete me for not being a sheep.

You know how (esp if youre white) you cant use the almighty “N” word. Don’t use retard, it hurts people. “Gay” isn’t for everyday use. Then why the FUCK is crazy?

I am SO fucking tired of seeing “My mommma’s crazy!” “Im so crazy!” “I’ll go crazy on you and get away with it.” and all the other stupid fucking variants. Shut. The. Fuck. Up. You wanna know motherfucking crazy? Try losing your fucking life? Try killing yourself? Try losing everything youve worked for? Try losing everyone you ever cared about? Try never being able to hold a job? Try not being able to go places? Try being stared at every fucking day in stores? But HEHEHE its SO FUNNY to make shitty FB graphics and ACT ALL BADASS OH IM SO FUCKING CRAZY. Shut the fuck up! You dont know real fucking life altering “crazy” its not fucking CUTE or funny. You’re not gonna go beat some fuckers ass. Youre gonna sit behind your stupid computer screen on your stupid ass.

I’m so fucking tired of “crazy” getting a pass.

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Phobias and fears.

One time when I was a teenager I counted my fears and phobias. It wasn’t a pretty outcome. Over a hundred fears and almost a hundred phobias. Ten years later, I can say alot of the phobias turned into fears (a nice upgrade) and some fears went away. I can still confidently state that I have a ridiculous amount of both of them, and they are why I haven’t fully lived life.

I never understood people who went on shows like Dr. Phil to “face” their phobias. Fuck that. You wouldn’t get me in the same BUILDING as a fear, fuck the same room. Makes me wonder either how genuiune their phobias were, or makes me wonder if mine are off the charts.

First of all, I wouldn’t make it to the show to begin with. Not only do I have a fear of long travel, I’d have to drive myself, because I’m phobic of aircraft and airports. Assuming I got to the place, I would then have OCD kick in and make me tick every five or so steps. When I’m in an unfamiliar place or situation I have horrible OCD ticks. Just knowing a phobias of mine was in the BUILDING would give me pause to go inside and the second I heard it was “coming onto the stage” I’d be gone, never looking back.

But I guess thats why the use of “phobia” is so overused. People think that being scared of something is a phobia. No. Thats a fear. You are scared of something. A phobia is something completely different. Just ask someone that tries to throw me into a pool. I climbed away from them and left them bleeding while hyperventilating and crying.

It’s caused me ALOT of problems. I don’t partake in any kind of adventure. Too many things I’m scared of. The germaphobia from my OCD alone makes life miserable. I’m constantly monitoring the situation to see if anyone is sick, if I can touch certain objects, etc. I wasn’t a normal teenager by any stretch of the imagination. Never went to parties. Never smoked, drank, or did drugs. Did nothing really physical (first kiss at 14, sex at 18 or 19) with my boyfriends. Never went on spring break. When I found out my choir class was having to go to New York senior year as a requirement, I quit it.

Then on top of having so many fears and phobias, I have social and general anxiety disorders. I don’t like people. I don’t trust them. They cause disease and possible death. It’s kind of hard to get new friends in situations like that. Or keep them, either. It’s probably a good thing I’m an introvert, because I probably would have killed myself by now.

Never went on an actual honeymoon. Or vacations. Most kids went to disney. You couldn’t get me there kicking and screaming. I was offered a paid hawaiian cruise…no way in hell. That involves planes AND boats. Fuck that nonsense.

I’ve spent a lot of time basically living the life of a house plant. Every now and then I get watered and flourish, but I usually get knocked over by a cat and my leaves eaten.

I’m SO OCD! No, you’re not. You’re an asshole.

OCD.

The misuse/overuse of this word drives me absolutely up the wall. “I’m SO OCD over my floors being clean!” “Oh, I KNOW, I’m SO OCD over that!” “Oh, you have OCD? I know how that is, I can’t STAND things out of place!”

OCD is not a verb. OCD is not just a cleaning illness. Its not just a counting illness. Its not just a hoarding illness. Its alot more than that. Alot darker. Trust me. You’re not “OCD” over anything. Let me explain to you a few branches of it.

  • OCD at its best is driving halfway back across town because you swear you left the oven on and your house is going to burn down, and being late for your mandatory office meeting.
  • At its quirkiest its chewing your food exactly 28 times, even when its something that requires about 4 chews.
  • Time consuming when you have to go through the same routine every day before leaving: OK! Lights, wallet, phone, keys, lock the door. Check for wallet, check for phone, check for keys, check door. Get to car. Go back check the door. Go back inside, check for the lights. Lock the door. Go back to car, panic, go back to door, check door. Panic more, check for keys, because you’re sure they’re in the house. Go back to car. Did I leave the wallet when I went inside? Where’d my phone go? Are the keys in the door still? Is the coffee pot on? I left the door to the car open when I went in the house, did someone get in the car? Is everything in the car still? Did I forget to shut the kitchen window?
  • Having to buy everything in pairs. Even things you don’t need in pairs. Which takes up room, and uses up money you may need for something else.
  • Of course, the one everyone knows: Hoarding. Those crazy OCD people and their hoarding!

Now let me branch out to a few of them you may or may not have heard about.

  • Contamination. I’m sure you could store this under “cleaning” but let me just go a little in depth here. I have a bottle of hand sanitizer in every room. In my purse. If I leave the house without it, or run out, I buy one while I am gone. I use it over 100 times a day. I use it whenever I touch ANYTHING. I will not use cloth napkins. I will not use a normal napkin more than once. I will not touch anyone ELSES napkin. (Or towel, or washcloth.) I don’t eat at buffet style restaurants in “sick” season (Oct-Apr). I try not to leave my house but for emergencies from Nov-Mar. If you are sick, you are not allowed near me. If you have been sick, or AROUND someone who has been sick, in the past week, you are not allowed around me. If you start to FEEL sick around me, you need to leave. I will then starve myself for two days to make sure that I am not sick. I will not eat any kind of meat unless it is completely charred. If there is any kind of pink to it, I will not touch it, let alone eat it. I will not eat any left overs past three days. Two, if it’s meat. I will not eat restaurant food left overs after a day. If I shower, I will not go near anything dirty the rest of the day. During christmas shopping season, I see visually every sneeze and cough that comes by me. I don’t touch anything I don’t need to. I stay away from people as much as possible.
  • The “feel” of dirt on me has caused me to shave my head repeatedly. I can’t stand the feel of dirty hair. And if I wash it multiple times a day and it still feels dirty? It’s got to go. I will also literally get very very grouchy if I feel dirty. The only thing that makes it better is a very extensive shower.
  • Intrusive thoughts. This one just kills me. Ever constantly feel like youre going to turn on a light and a demon will be there? Or that you’re SUPPOSED to jump out of the car at 80 mph and it takes everything in you not to do it? That someone else is in your body besides you, and you can’t figure out how to get them out. You’re pretty sure you die a few times a day, and that now, you’re just living in the next dimension, continuing on. Stopping at a stop light is especially traumatic. The people next to you are going to either hi jack you, or shoot you. They also may be dead. I think about being shot alot while Im driving. It makes me not stay at red lights. I will turn to get away from them, go out of my way, many miles, and pissing off my husband considerably. What if someone doesnt stop and rams into me at 50 and kills me? Or they shoot me? I’m a sitting duck at red lights. And stop signs. And TRAINS. I stop and create a bubble so far around me at a train, so I can have a possible escape route incase anything may happen. Sometimes, when you’re sitting next to a window, and it takes everything in you NOT to try to put your head through the glass. Its also really hard when your mom lives on the fourth floor, and all you want to do is jump off the balcony when you’re there. Not because you’re suicidal. Just because it’s there.
  • Symmetry and ticks, and avoidance. Have you ever saw the youtube video of the poetry slam of the man with OCD? And he ticks? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vnKZ4pdSU-s  I have tried for 20 years to explain what those ticks feel like and why you have to do them.  It feels like a strange energy is there and you have to acknowledge it X amount of times until it disappears. Its not just head turning, either. Its also, feet going back to touch, arms swinging backwards to touch, you name it. And if I’m in an unfamiliar place? Forget it. I look like I’m having random seizures. Head ticks, foot ticks, arm ticks. My husband is used to them. If theyre real bad, I have to go back and walk the same path a few times. Overhead lights, I really hate them. I look like I’m headbanging or something in stores. I also apparently stare at them and don’t notice, but that may be a whole other thing entirely.
  • Food and eating. Food is a major obstacle. We will put aside the fact I am a recovering anorexic who is now a binge eater, and concentrate merely on the food itself. I can’t eat ALOT of food due to texture. Due to color combination. (A yellow tomato? What?) Cooking practice. Who has handled it before me. Who has had access to it before me. Family get togethers almost never happen for me if there is food unless I can see the food nonstop and see how its been touched before I get there. I will avoid food that has been touched. The texture of food really limits what I can eat. I am 31 and JUST NOW started to cook. I have to wear gloves when I cook and cross contamination of ANY kind about puts me into a bad panic attack. I ate mostly boxed and frozen food that required little to no preperation because I was not ready to deal with touching food. I am terrified of food poisioning. Or of someone poisioning my food.

Mind you, this article is hardly complete. This is just a sampling of my day. I’m sure I’m forgetting many things. But please, the next time you tell me how “OMG OCD” you are about something… kindly remember this and realize that you sound like a giant douchebag to those who ACTUALLY suffer a real DISEASE. OCD is not some stupid thing that happens. I have lost MANY jobs over it. I can’t touch almost anything that someone else has touched. Do you realize how hard that is to work ANYWHERE? I’ve been on disability for a myriad of psychiatric conditions over half my life. OCD rules my life, everyday, in every way.

Another self discovery (Im just full of them recently)

While conversating on another post of mine, I’ve come to yet another self realization. Just call me Epiphany.

In a completely non sexual related manner, I have more issues.

I blame it on Chinese astrology:

I’m a dog.

Lets take this apart.

Dog people are honest, faithful and sincere. They respect tradition and value honor, and enjoy helping people. The Dog is very righteous, and always is the first to speak out against injustice. He is not good at socializing with friends, and rarely shines in company, but he is intelligent, caring and a good listener.

Honesty-what gets me in trouble. Faithful-Ridiculously so. Helping people-its what I do, even when I don’t want to. Injustice-I cant be around it. I am always fighting againt injustice. Lack of socialization-I am your token introvert. Intelligent-the only thing I pride myself on.

Loyal, faithful and honest, he has the most profound sense of duty. You can count on him and he’ll never let you down. And as a good listener, the Dog is also very reliable in keeping secrets for others. He simply doesn’t like to gossip.

Counting on me-I will not speak to you for years, and you call me in an emergency, and I will come to you. I know, its happened. Secret keeping-while most people know that I run at the mouth, Im keeping some major secrets for people. Even after years.

The Dog is an agreeable companion – when he is in a good mood. But when panic strikes, he can turn nasty, and bark till he is tired. He can be judgmental, defensive and picky if you rub him the wrong way, but as long as you know how to pet and massage him, the Dog makes absolutely the best and most honorable companion on earth.

Agreeable-here, I’m sure some of you are laughing. But there is many times I actually will agree just to end an arguement. Panic-that is what got me in trouble from 17-24: When I thought I was being left/uncared for I ran for the hills for replacements. I panic when there is a lack of stability. Judgemental and defensive: everyone swears I am judgemental, but I swear to you, I am not judging you. I AM opinionated on whatever topic, however. Defensive-I am constantly “justifying” myself, out of being defensive. I have to justify every mistake, every step. It has been brought to my attention many times.

Dogs are born old and get younger as they age. They take everything very serious. You may hear the Dog complains a lot about street lamps, about traffic, or about weather, but as he gets older, the less he takes his own criticisms seriously.

Ive been an old soul since I was born. Ask anyone who knew me as a child. I actually laughed out loud when I read the next part: get younger as they age. My husband literally said to me about a year ago “when you were 17, you were 90. When you were 30 you were 17.” Maybe in our rush to grow up, we miss enjoying being young. I know that was my problem. Now I am 31 going on 15 like some warped Benjamin Button.

The loyal Dog makes a splendid captain of industry, a priest, an educator, a critic, or a doctor. But whatever his career, it’ll have in him a spokesman whose ideals will be profound and often original.

Ive been told I’d make a good doctor, or teacher.

When the fear becomes reality, Dogs go a little crazy. The Dog enters a relationship where he is the giver and the partner is the taker. He is usually very generous and loyal, and in love, he is honest and straightforward. But he will have romantic problems all his life – it’s his own fault, really: he leads himself by his emotional in stability and his eternal anxiety. He is a worrier.

I literally just said “Oh my god” as I read this. Fear makes me make stupid, life altering mistakes. I have always been the giver, not the taker. There was a time I was a taker. I was young and stupid. As I got older, I am most definetely the giver. I give until I have nothing left, and usually, don’t get a whole lot in return. I am super generous. Loyal to an absolute fault. There are toxic relationships that if given the chance, I would probably go back to, because I don’t know any other way. In a relationship I am more than honest and straightforward. I will never lie to you, and I will be brutally honest…at the sake of anything good. So I will have romantic problems my whole life, eh? Awesome. It probably IS my own fault. Oh hell, who am I kidding, of COURSE its my fault! Worry is my middle name.

I don’t know how to give up. I just don’t. I can’t let go. Of anything, of anyone. I think of people I was friends with 20 years ago, and wonder where they are, what theyre doing, wonder why we’re no longer friends. It almost always ends with me as the issue. I think I’m a smotherer. I’m not real sure.

Everyone flinch here, I’m gonna quote LOST:

Christian Shephard: The most important part of your life was the time that you spent with these people on that island. That’s why all of you are here. Nobody does it alone, Jack. You needed all of them, and they needed you.

Jack Shephard: For what?

Christian Shephard: To remember. And to… let go.

It’s not enough not to lie

You know how people say “Oh, everyone lies!”

I don’t. As in, I refuse.

I’ve lost ALOT of people over this.

Don’t ask me if your ass looks big in that…if it does, I’ll tell you.

Some people have commended me on my honesty.

Others, ran screaming. (Can’t honestly say I blame them.)

There was a time…we’ll say…up til about…five years ago, that there were some people I would…not be entirely…upfront…with. Lie to them? Never. But I held a LOT of stuff back. Mostly out of fear. Mostly out of fear they’d not talk to me again. (If you’re curious how that turned out, lets just say I have alot less friends these past 5 years…) I’ve always, always, been an honest person. I’ve never stole. I tell on myself. If you ask me my honest opinion, you’re going to get it. (So if you don’t really want to know, don’t ask me, it’ll save us both alot of time and arguing!)

I’ve always been a person who believes in “treat others the way you’d like to be treated.” Some people would probably argue with that. They’d tell me how “I wouldn’t like being talked to like that,” or some other protest. But in all honesty, I would. My biggest problem is that people DON’T tell me the truth. They don’t ness. lie, but they don’t offer up the truth.

I’ve heard “I didn’t want to tell you…” more times than I care to count. It’s usually followed by “because I thought you’d judge me.” Let me stop there and explain something. I don’t judge people. It’s not for me to judge. However. I do…reply. And I could see how someone would possibly think that was a judgement. But it’s not. I promise you.

I’ve always been honest with my husband. Always. We have the most open relationship on the planet. He tells me when girls are cute. I tell him when I find people attractive. I tell him everything on my mind, even stuff most people would never dream of telling their significant other. Things that might be brutal to hear. But I believe it is owed to him.

Once, I went on a spree of finding everyone I ever wronged, and telling them I was sorry. Whether it was through a face to face, a phone call, a letter. I wanted to be honest with them about whatever had went on. There’s a person here or there I’d still like to do that with, but don’t think I ever will. I’ve as of late opened my self up TOO much perhaps. (Is there such a thing? I’m sure most would agree there is a limit…)

I know I’ve come across at times as judgemental. Tactless. Blunt. Rude.

Is it sad that I’d rather have people be the same to me… I’d rather be “slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie.” I don’t want you to kiss my ass when I’m around and talk shit about me to whoever will listen. I want you to be straight up with me. I am straight up with you.

Does this mean I’ve never “talked behind someones back?” Hell no. Of course I have… hell…I’m probably alot more guilty of it than most, to be honest! But when I’m doing that, it’s to prep for later, when I talk to the person about that very thing. I ususually write things when I want to talk. My words in person get jumbled up, there is no backspace key when youre in real time. I cry. Alot. I cry when people yell at me. I always have. I look like I’d rip your head off, but if you yell at me, I will cry.

I know there are consequences for my truth. I was told once by someone that I needed to “stop not saying things…” so I did. And now they won’t talk to me. I did what they wanted, and they’re gone. I know that sometimes when you call me to vent, and I take up for you on your side, it makes you hate me for being against the person you’re complaining about. But I can’t help it.

This all probably came to be written because this afternoon me and my husband had another one of our talks. And I had told him a few things that I… not KEPT from him, just things that any NORMAL person would keep to themselves. I feel guilty for that. I feel guilty when I think something that I know would hurt someone. I have to tell them so I can ask their forgiveness. I don’t know what hurts more…the fact I had to tell them something probably best left unsaid, or the fact that I have to deal with the aftermath of knowing regardless I hurt the person. At least if I had kept whatever to myself, they’d be oblivious, right? They wouldn’t hurt. So maybe its selfish of me to be so honest. I don’t know.

I hate that my mind goes 24 hours a day at lightening speed, thinking up things I don’t want to think about, that make me feel guilty, that make me feel like I have to tell people, that makes them angry with me. I hate that people hate ME because I’m honest. Because of the WAY I’m honest. I can’t help it. I wonder if there is a name for it? Does it run with my OCD? That I LITERALLY have to tell the truth…it is an obsession.

I wonder if one day my truth will make me end up alone.

Theres alot of things I’ve said that should have gotten me to that point. Really, there is. I’ve said/done some things that I wish I never had. (Much like anyone else.) But do I really have to tell on myself afterwards? Most people are smart enough to leave it locked up, with a key. Me? I put that shit on billboards and set them on fire.

Honestly, sometimes it sucks to be honest.

I am so fucking ANGRY and no one I can talk to

Considering I have a whopping two friends and I just left one of theirs house so they can sleep, I dont really have anyone to talk to and Im NOT in a very good mindset right now. Im seriously just about done with life and I dont know what the hell can fix this right now.

All this shit is just getting to be too much. The house is so fucking gross I cant even handle it. Were broke. BEYOND broke. I owe doctors, the dog had to skip a vet visit, we have no food, my one tire BLEW UP and the other is leaking, my husband talks to me like SHIT on a daily basis, all day long. I cant even call him because by the end of the phone call hes SCREAMING at me for god knows what this time. The only people I even talk to are my mother, his mother, my sister in law, one friend, and my husband. My husband yells at me and talks to me like Im shit and has taking to in the past few days telling me how useless I am. My mom…well our relationship is strange and talking to her half the time makes things worse. I feel like everyones second (or worse) choice. I feel like everyone just thinks that because I dont work that I obviously dont have a life and I just should drop shit and do whatever they need/want because its good for them. I have NO energy. None. And while my husband seems to think that throwing my shitty sleep schedule in my face is the answer, I cant HELP my sleep schedule! Fibro makes you tired. Stupid sleep schedules make you tired. Depression makes you tired. Being fat makes you tired. Being out of shape makes you tired. Ive been bleeding for almost a straight month. I just CANT DO IT. ANY OF IT. All I want is some HELP. I dont need people to “do it all for me” or whatever the consesus is this week. I JUST WANT SOME FUCKING HELP. NO ONE FUCKING UNDERSTANDS. Im just so worn out. The stupidest shit is impossible. And I feel bad because of it. I already feel useless. I already feel like a waste of fucking space and that there is no point in my existance. But to be told it on a daily basis, THAT REALLY HELPS!

My sense of smell is ridiculous. I can smell stuff no one can. And all I can smell right now is dog pee. Because the bathroom needs to be mopped. But my OCD is so fucking bad I cant mop it. Its getting to an untolerable point. I cant touch almost anything any more. Im scared to eat almost anything because I think Im going to get sick. And everything in here that needs to be done is stuff I cant fucking DO. IM SORRY IM SUCH A FAILURE. IM SORRY I CANT WORK. IM SORRY THAT IM USELESS. IM SORRY ABOUT EVERYTHING. I hate myself ENOUGH. Do you REALLY have to make me hate myself even more??? I dont think I CAN!

Ever since the scare with the breast cancer issue, I feel horrible for even THINKING about the fact I dont want to be here any more. To be so careless with the life Ive been given. But its just TOO MUCH. I dont want to…die. I just dont want to live. I dont want to….be here anymore. I just want to…. I dont even know. Right now all I want to do is just cut and cut and cut until I hit something. Bleed my fucking life all over the floor. But then my OCD would kick in and I cant clean it up. Theres nothing I want to do more right now. I cant drink it away, alcohol does nothing for me. I dont need drugs or pills or anything to not feel. I want to feel I want to feel what a fucking failure I am and what a fucking fuck up I am and I just want to claw and tear and just bleed all over. Im sitting here typing this just so I dont get up and do it. But I cant even do that right. The last times Ive done it Ive been ridiculed and called names and been put down and told I was stupid and everything else, screamed at me and called me names and laughed at me and told me they would commit me because Im a stupid child. Physically did things in the name of what I dont even know. This is the “help” I get. This is the “support” I get. If you know someone who self harms let me tell you from someone who has been there, telling them how stupid and worthless they are while they are doing it and threatening them and laughing at them isnt going to make them stop. Its going to make the situation ten times worse. Its going to make them realize that that person(s) think THE VERY SAME THING THEY ALREADY THINK and its going to REINFORCE that we are USELESS AND POINTLESS AND WHY DONT WE JUST FUCKING DIE ALREADY ANYWAY????

What kind of life is it to not want to live, not want to die. I just want to go somewhere far far far fucking away and just be left alone. I dont need people. I dont need shit. All Ive ever been is a fucking burden. First I was a burden on my mom who had to raise me alone. Then I was a burden on my father who had to pay child support. Now Im  a burdern on my husband who has to “DO EVERYTHING” because he JUST DOESNT UNDERSTAND and it doesnt help when there is other people making close minded comments to him making it “ok” to make me feel the way I feel. Thats all Ive ever been, its all Ill ever be. I came into this life a burden, and fuck, Ill leave it that way too. Ill be some body that they have to pay to get rid of, and then theyll have to come up with a way to pay off all my debts as well. Well, if I was to have a tombstone, which I wont because theyre too expensive, it would say HERE LIES THE BURDEN. ITS FINALLY LIFTED. REJOICE.

Addiction and death and life and coping

So last night while on Tumblr, it broke that the guy from Glee died.

He was a month younger than me.

And hes dead.

No doubt there are SO many people out there with the idea that he somehow “earned” it. Mr. Hollywood, threw it away for drugs. (Assuming the rumors of the cause are true…) Do people think that by making it to Hollywood you somehow are untouchable from lifes downfalls? That because they make money and people like them, they are really any different from you or I?

Some people may think, why all this fuss about an actor? Some guy from some TV show. There are children dying of diseases they never asked for! There are people like military, and police, and firemen that go to work everyday knowing it may be their last! WHY the fuss over just some actor?

Today, more than ever, people rely on things like TV or music to get by. They connect with characters, or lyrics, or fictional characters. Maybe alot of people identified with him, both fictionally, and in “real life”. More and more people today are dying due to drugs. More people go to rehab. Alot of the people that come out of rehab last a day…a week…a month…a year. But eventually, sadly, there will be a triggering event at some point down the line.  Addiction is real. I’m not even just talking about drug addiction. I’m talking addiction in general. What other kinds of addiction are there? Food. Cutting. Weight maintanence. Spending. Sex. Alcohol. Some people have addictive personalities. I am one of those people.

Maybe its because I have OCD. But in my life, I have become “addicted” to many, many things. Some of which very well could have killed me:

  • Anorexia: I reached 76 lbs.
  • Cutting: I got up to three times DAILY
  • Spending: (you dont even want me to go there, but I have about 30k in credit card debt.)
  • World Of Warcraft: 12 hour stretches, daily. People have died from less.
  • Speeding in my car: 30+ over the limit (caught) twice.
  • Pop: the acid from it began to burn a whole through my lip.
  • Eating: after anorexia, I began to OVEReat. (Into obesity.)
  • Bingo: seven days a week, a few hundred dollars per week. (Gambling addiction.)

Any one of those things could end me. Starvation. Bleed out. Homelessness. Exhaustion. Reckless behavior. Binge eating.

Do any of them disappear? No. An addict is an addict. We deal daily. Sometimes we will go a week. A month. YEARS. Before some kind of a relapse. I’ve relapsed on every single topic.

Maybe there is all this attention to a person not because of his “celebrity” but because so many of us UNDERSTAND. We ALL have vices. Some more dangerous than others. Some better maintained than others. But we all know each other. We all see what each other goes through. Are you any better to look down your nose at a drug overdose while you puff on your cigarette and have your beer, while you are betting at the race track? No one is a saint. We all have demons, and we all fight those demons daily. Next time a celebrity, or a person you don’t know, or someone close to you has a “set back”…rememeber they are human. We all fail. We need people to understand. We need the support.

To those before me and those after me who fail and succomb to their demons, you are not alone, you are not weak, you are not any less. We are all dead in the end, we all die sometime. Don’t judge people for how they exit.

Change A Mind About Mental Illness

Please watch, and know that this video is what mentally ill people need. We need support and understanding. We are your brothers and sisters, your friends and family.

And you are not alone.

___

Some years back, there was a public service video done for a mental illness awareness campaign. I fell in love with the video, and when I went to look for it online, some of the ones I found weren’t very good quality. For a class project, I used that video, but put another spin on it.

1-16-13 Radio DJ’s/Crazy

I was driving home from taking my husband to work the other day and someone was giving an interview on KISS FM. The voice sounded familiar, and I was trying to figure out who it was, when I realized it was Charlie Sheen. He was going on about how he thought he had bipolar, and I only caught part of the interview. It makes sense, tbh, he sure acted manic. That didn’t bother me.

What bothered me was the group of DJ’s that were commenting on it. I get that Charlie was supposedly “self diagnosing” or something (again, I got into the interview late), and had diagnosed himself with other things as well (or something). And they were going on how “well hes bipolar, and OCD, why not schizophrenic”, etc., etc. They were really making light of the whole thing. And it started to really grate my nerves to a point that I (had I known then number) would have probably called and schooled them.

With all these shootings and crazy bullshit going on, and the eye on mental health recently, its things like this that make the mentally ill scared to get help or even say they are sick. We’re looked at as a joke, or a zoo exhibit. The things that have been said to me, or done to me from people who knew I was sick I could write a book on.

I just think is sick. In todays world we are all about “equality”. Don’t use the “bad” words. Dont call someone the “N” word. Retard shouldnt be used. Dont say gay! But please, go ahead and use EVERY VARIETY of the word “crazy”. That’s cool. No problem there! Why the hell is it ok?

It shouldn’t be.

1-4-13 Addiction

Recovery. Remission. “That thing that used to control me that I’m supposed to not talk about or think about anymore.” 

What I want to know from people who have “battled and “won”” addictions, have you really ever won? How does one successfully overcome true addiction? It’s always there. It never goes away. It always rears its head at the worst possible time. Those that are strong enough to not give in? How exactly does that happen? Was it true addiction to begin with? If you can talk away? If you can get “better”? 

I’m sure at that sentence I just pissed off all you “recoverists”. 

I just don’t get it. I mean. It’s addiction. It’s there. How do you not give in? And if you don’t give in today, tomorrow, this time, that time, next time, at SOME time you will. So I fight it off today. And maybe it goes away; for a week, a month, a year. But it always comes back. Sometimes it’s there, and in your face, and in your brain, and in your thoughts, and its THERE THERE THERE and what then? How strong can you really be, forever? 

Why alcoholics end up back on the bottle time and time again?

Why drug addicts go to rehab and then five years later end up ODing?

Why gambling addicts “get help” and end up homeless when they gamble away their home?

Why I’m sitting here starving because I have almost no food in the house, and all I can think is, “Good. There shouldn’t be food. So you feel sick now. You know after a few more hours it’ll go away. Who cares if you eat? Get a jumpstart on that shit. You used to not eat for days. Fucking sissy. How are you even hungry already? Like you need to eat anyway. Look at you. So you lost the weight, you got down. Then look, thyroid came back again and BOOM youre the fattest youve ever been! Congratulations! You deserve it really. I mean, this IS the highest number! Hell, lets make it higher! Fuck, just sit here, eat it all. After all, whats the point right? No, you remember this. Get it to the point where the sight of food is disgusting. The scent is horrendous. Get it to where you used to be. It’d save money, right? Less shit in this house.”

And the worst part is that one up there isn’t even honestly the problem I care about. 

Because, lets be honest: I’ll cave. Im too fucking fat at this point that if I dont eat Ill just cave. THAT addiction won’t win. It USED to win. For 15 years it won. Being addicted to being able to say no to food. The fatass in me just outshines that guy now.

No, the other one that is always in the back of my mind. That controlled me for so long, so many years. That never really was honestly a “threat” because I knew all the ways to not do it to really be a problem. Well, until they took away everything and I had to find new ways and things. Once that happend, well, it made it easier, for sure. A little more dangerous, but isnt that the point? I sat for almost an hour today just thinking of ways to do it. I could. I still am sitting here even after sitting and breathing and thinking. Because I thought about it so long that now, even afterwards, I still want to. I miss it sometimes. It was my friend. Just like the other guy that went away and left me this fat disgusting mess of a person. They left me, just like everyone else. Hell, you can’t count on anyone these days, can you?

So how is it you strong people just stop, walk away? Was it ever really there for you to begin with? I mean, hell…quitting is something I’m GREAT at, ask anyone! I quit everything! Yet, can’t seem to shake these. If a great quitter can’t quit…

Can’t quit….or don’t want to? Is that what it boils down to? Can’t over won’t? A mixture of both? It must be nice for those people. 

Guess I’ll never know.