Tag Archives: memories

Letting Go is something that comes up alot

There seems to be a weird thing that follows me. I love/obsess things that have to do with “letting go” (while listening to a song saying the lyric over and over lol.).

There is LOST which one of the key things in it, especially in the last scenes which has an entire speech about it.

There is the song “Let Her Go” by Passenger. “Letting Go” by Sozzi, which is showcased in Dawsons Creek. (A show that means alot to me.)

I think it comes up so much because I utterly suck at being able to do it.

I can never let go of mistakes Ive made. I can’t let go of toxic people in my life. I can’t let go of my past. I can’t let go of people that are already gone. (That last one I’m finally starting to come to terms with, thank god.) I can’t let go of just about anything, to be honest. I’m stuck.

I don’t mean to be. I don’t WANT to be.

I read once in a numerology book that there are certain things each life cycle we are meant to have, or meant not to have. I don’t know how true that is, and its for a whole other entry on what exactly I’m missing out on, but it does make me think. There has to be something celestially going on that I am this bad at letting go of things in life. I wish I could go into some of the topics, but this is a public place and on the infantisimal chance they were to ever find this, I won’t right now. eventually I may. It has to do with a handful of people.

I used to have a really good memory. Like, REALLY good. Once I got on all these psych meds, I walked in a stupor for approx 4-5 years. I can barely remember anything from 1999-2003. Flashes, sometimes. Maybe I don’t want to let go of things because that would just be more I couldn’t remember? I can really only guess. I’m sure there is some psychological reason. Maybe because my mom went out on Thursdays when I was a kid. Who knows?

I actually quoted the scene from LOST in another entry on here, I remember doing that. Don’t remember what one, or why. Maybe I was complaining about it. I do that alot. I know I’ve posted the lyrics to “Let Her Go”–mostly because it really reminds me not only of life in general, but of being bipolar.

Probably why Ill always remember this:

The most…important part of your life, was the time that you spent with these people. That’s why all of you are here. Nobody does it alone Jack. You needed all of them, and they needed you.”

“For what?”

“To remember…and to…let go.”

Just tired of being tired.

My body is alternating between actual tiredness and physcially being worn out, but awake. Id say I have mono (had it), Preg (cant be), thyroid (its fine currently), so I have no damn clue as to whats goin on. With it, I’m randomly crying/depressed, again all three to be suspected, and none of them actually being it. Ive had cotton mouth horrible for a few weeks, which is now causing me a hoarse cough. I got the flu vaccine against my better judgement, over 2 weeks ago, so I know I’m innoculated. (how bad did I kill that word, I dont even care…)

Tomorrow I wont have the car, but don’t have anywhere to go anyway. Debating calling my psychiatrist and putting off the appointment til next month, if hell call me in some elavil. If not, I’m gonna have to go.

I feel really secretive as of late but Im not so I don’t quite understand. My dreams are getting weird again and feeling all too real which is REALLY fucking with my day to day dealings. I feel wrong. How the fuck do you stop dreaming about shit?? Seriously!

Those Nights

If there was ever a song that described not only the young me but the old me, this is it. It describes a few people in my life.

I remember when 
We used to laugh 
About nothing at all 
It was better than going mad 
From trying to solve all the problems we’re going through 
Forget ’em all 
Cause on those nights we would stand and never fall 
Together we faced it all 
Remember when we’d 

Stay up late and we’d talk all night 
In a dark room lit by the tv light 
Through all the hard times in my life 
Those nights kept me alive 

listen to the radio play all night 
Didn’t want to go home to another fight 
Through all the hard times in my life 
Those nights kept me alive 

I remember when 
We used to drive 
Anywhere but here 
As long as we’d forget our lives 
We were so young and confused that we didn’t know 
To laugh or cry 
Those nights were ours 
They will live and never die 
Together we’d stand forever 
Remember when we’d 

Those nights belong to us 
There’s nothing wrong with us 

I remember when 
We used to laugh 
And now I wish those nights would last

Did this polar vortex blow depression in as well?

With the exception of a ten minute jaunt to BK last night, I have been in the house a week due to this weather. And I think I’m starting to go a little mad.

I’m an introvert in the most extreme way. Being alone is something that I actually like. I’m not good around people…never have been. Going out into public is sometimes a trying event. But something about being caged in this house is setting off all sorts of issues in me. I’m getting depressed, my OCD is going apeshit, anxiety is off the hook. I sit here day in day out with nothing but my animals because my husband has been working alot. My OCD is screaming at me this isn’t clean, that isn’t clean, GERMSGERMSGERMS but then I don’t have the energy to do anything about it. (and in reality, everything is clean, anyway.) Ive thought my house was being broke into for a few days now, when in reality its ice melting. (although that one night I really have no idea what was going on…)

I can’t up any of my pills. I’m maxed on zoloft. They won’t raise my elavil. (Being on two anti depressants is bad for bipolars coz it can make you go into mania if there are too many at once). And if I take any more risperdal, I’ll be so fat I’ll not be able to move. I’m on double-triple the dose I used to take, as it is. And the more I take, the more weight I gain. I’ve gained 50 lbs this year. And I feel like it needs to be raised sometimes, with the thoughts in my head, but I just cant bring myself to take anymore.

I hate that because I stay in mixed bipolar 1 that its so damn hard to medicate. Im up, Im down, all at the same time. How the hell you medicate that? You don’t. You just take pills and pray they dampen the shitty parts. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.

I had pop for the first time in like three months yesterday. (Ive been giving it up, trying to lose weight…didn’t work this time so fuck it.) The large dose of caffiene kept me up an extra hour rehashing the last 15 years of my life, and all the fuck ups Ive had/done in that time. It was awesome. Dark room, unable to sleep, normally I cant remember anything, but suddenly, I remembered everything. And most of it, I didn’t want/need to remember.

And suddenly Im back to being emotional….how many pills can I take…I used to hate feeling numb, but I’m kinda tired of feeling.

I know its been a minute…

Life kinda is at a standstill. We’re moved, but not completely done. He’s been on vacation because BMW shuts down for the 4th of July (how patriotic -_-) so were financially fucked. My air conditioning unit went to hell after the move, but it was fixed today, which was nice because living in the 8th layer of hell was getting old. Its literally rained 18/19 days. My yard is a swamp and if I go outside, I am a mosquito buffet. I had a job interview for a place I put an app in like a month ago. I could tell she wasn’t paying any attention to any of the questions she was asking me. I contemplated giving really bizarre answers just to see if my hunch was right, but then thought better not. Needless to say, not getting that job. Which is ok. Because they asked me two questions in about covering my tattoos that people “may find offensive”. Well, what I find offensive is letting someone on the sales floor in a tank top two sizes too small and flip flops. But hey, to each their own, right?

Ive become bored with most everything. Nothing seems worthwhile. I get on World of Warcraft, but then get bored. I scroll through facebook or tumblr for awhile, but then tire of that. Ive been watching alot of netflix and tv recently…something I dont normally do. Now that my tv is back in my bedroom, I may never need to leave bed, either. My L5 disc in my back thinks that to be an awesome idea.

Im sitting in my office, I can hear the train in the distance. I dont have on a radio, or a tv, or anything. Just silence. I like silence. I really hate when we’re both in the office because he was to have tv on, or some kind of noise. I like silence.

Ive been quite literally itchy lately. My skin feels weird…like I dont belong in it or something. Like its not used to being there. I could chalk it up to the water…its new water. From Detroit. Supposedly better then the water I was getting. I guess my water probably had all sorts of nuclear shit in it since I live like under 10 miles from a nuclear power plant. I guess having water that people are dead in is better? Or so they assured me when I asked about it.

Its already half way through July. What am I doing with my life?

I read an article that people of my generation have peter pan syndrome. Ive been “grown up” since I was like, 12. But that doesn’t stop me from wishing life would slow the fuck down and chill. I just wish things were the way they used to be. Even though they were shitty, I still would like them back, in a weird way.

I also find it odd that while I write this, people who have never and will never meet me face to face will read it, while people I have know for years will remain clueless. Even though this posts through to my facebook, my tumblr, my twitter… none of them will take the time to even look. I dont know how I feel about that. Part of me finds solice in the fact I can literally write anything I want and it will never be read…and part of me wonders why people don’t find it important to read.

2-1-13 When Pandora radio attacks.

I always have music on. I spend alot (and I mean ALOT) of time in my car. I have a 3 hour trip to school twice a week. I put 26k miles on my car in 13 months. Ive put 6k on it since November 19. Pandora radio is kind of my best friend. I have ECCLECTIC taste. 1950s. 1980s. 1990s! (seriously the BEST ten years of music, EVER.) Current. Reggae. Rock. Punk. Emo. (fuck R&b!) My pandora stations are all over the place. My best channel is Hollywood Undead. Anyone who uses Pandora knows that the more you listen, all the channels kind of merge together based on how you rate songs. So while I might BE on the Hollywood Undead channel, Goo Goo Dolls are a regular on it.

I see posts all the time about how people LIVE music. While I’m glad people love music, there are some people that literally are so sensitive to music, it can change their moods within seconds. In one car ride, I can be jamming to rock, thumping to rap, and crying into my steering wheel from memories. Now, (and here’s where I will lose 90% of you) I am a firm believer in…shall we say…new age. That all things are energy. That we can communicate with energy.

Which is why Pandora freaks me the fuck out 90% of the time.

I was babbling on facebook one night about how Pandora was…talking to me. It had been in alot of new age news about electronics being used as a…device…to get points across. I stated the fact how, I knew within minutes at the rate of the radio, a certain song would be on.

With in ten minutes, guess what happened? I of course took a photo and posted it on facebook.

My music has saved my life on many occasions. I know others that have felt this way, and had this happen. While this entire article sounds insane to most people, others may just know what I’m talking about. This will affect not just us empaths, but also “normal” people. That when we put on music, certain songs just HAVE to come on. To help us, to give us memories, to haunt us, to make us remember. What is life without memories? What is life without lessons? Even the worst of times have good things that come from them.

Always hear the signs, always listen to your heart, and always follow the music.

After all, when you open up “Pandora’s Box”, you never know what comes from it. 😉

1-18-13 Reaccurring Dreams and Alternate Reality

I’ve always been one to have reoccurring dreams.

I’ve also been one to have crazy real dreams. I have memories in dreams, dreams will stop one night and start up exactly where they left off the night before, Sometimes I’ve been known to talk to people about the stuff in my dreams because I really thought it happened in reality.

So a few days ago, the mall dream with its variations showed up again.

I have alot of dreams that happen alot, they always have parts of each other in them.

This one is the one with the mall that has an elevator that goes to somewhere around 90-115 floor. It doesnt travel like a normal elevator, it literally takes SECONDS and makes me feel ACTUALLY ILL in my sleep, and if Im unlucky enough to wake up during the ride. (Like I did a few days ago. OMG I felt gross. Took like 2 hours to not feel sick.) There are a few different malls or portions of malls that show up in my dream. One of them has an airport in it, that sometimes has planes, sometimes has spaceships. There is also a high school in it, with a very large (and I mean IMMENSLY LARGE) locker room in it. (Im talking approx 50 or more stalls.) The same stores are always in it, none of which I’ve ever actually heard of or seen in my life. Sometimes the elevator ends up in the hospital, it also goes horizontal. The mall is a hospital/high school/urgent care/ doctors office/high rise/library/spacestation/airport. I take the same road to get there every time. There is this one road that is nauseating to manuever. The road is the same. There is a little town if I go one way, and not if I go another. There is always the same two choices of highway. Sometimes Im going by a different version of our river, sometimes it leads to the backyard that is a bomb shelter of my dads house that isnt really anything like his house. His basement has something really wrong with it…I think its some kind of gateway to hell. So is part of the walls.

If I dont have a version of that dream, sometimes I have this dream (usually sometimes with that river/bomb shelter) where there is asteroids or something falling from the sky. You can see everything burning and cant get away. Then the tornadoes start. Im not talking one or two. Im talking an outbreak. And theyre always within a close proximity to me. There is never less then 5-15 per dream. I am there and there are just literally all these tornadoes in various stages of power the whole dream.

Then of course there is this dream where I am in my senior year of high school, needing one half credit in order to graduate, so I had to come back. Various things happen in the dream. It is ALWAYS this premise, however. ALWAYS. It never changes.

Now, I know that tornadoes mean that I feel my life is out of control. And that shopping means Im looking for something. Im sure I could psychoanalyze the hell out of all this mess. But the worst part of it all?

Im there. Like, REALLY, REALLY, there. Today I had to ask my husband if the comment he left me on facebook was real. (He doesnt even HAVE a facebook.) I have MEMORIES in my dreams. I cant even tell when Im dreaming or asleep sometimes.

Ive always been a firm believer in two things. One, when you are sleeping, you are alive in another reality. Two, I must at some point be either doing one of two things: living past life, or dreaming through someone elses eyes. I know things and people and memories that there is no way I should know or keep having such a recollection of. I know that quite a few of these are alternate reality dreams, due to the people in them and how they pan out.

I have dreams where me and my husband are no longer together. They are not only reaccuring, but they are continuing. I have another version where we were together, then werent together. I have other ones as well that I dont feel like they should be broadcasted currently about other people.

Im going to start trying to keep better track of them. I was going to write this the other day when it happend then I got side tracked. I really have to stop letting that happen.