Tag Archives: medication

Ive found its either go or stop.

Either things are going on enough that I have a topic to write about, or its so dead I can’t find anything to write about. Can’t we have a nice middle? But then again, thats life. 100 mph or dead.

Im back to my old sleep schedule: nonexistant. Im up all hours, and I get up somewhere near lunch to dinner. Thank you risperidal for keeping it straight as long as you did. Unfortunately I cant afford your prices or the weight gain any longer. I didn’t realize it had quite spiraled back to that until I was at Burger King at 4pm and the manager was like “How is your lunch/dinner?” and I answered with “breakfast.” Yep, its baaaack. On the other hand, Im getting to listen to alot of music on pandora and Ive read more books this month than last year combined. (1-2 per couple days.)

Mentally for a long time, with 3 exceptions as of late, I just stay in a “mixed” state. They’re hard to medicate. They’re hard to live with, but I’m pretty used to them by now. Considering its February, my normal month of ruin, I’m just sitting here waiting for SOMETHING to change. Either a depression so deep I can’t function, or a high that kicks my ass. For once I’d be happy with the mixed state. This weather isn’t helping at all, of course.

Once upon a time I handled writing correctly, a beginning middle and end. Here’s the end.


What the hell was the point of this post again?

Ever clicked the “new post” button then looked at the blank screen with a “duh” look on your face? Yeah, that’s me right now.

I have a shit ton of stuff I COULD write about but I don’t really think this is the time or the place. (But then when IS the time or place?) I’m just sitting here with a television that is on, but nothing is playing, a dog that is chewing something but everytime I ask her what the hell shes chewing on she stops chewing, a cat on top of the couch licking its ass. Its 10 pm, its cold, my husband is in the bedroom sleeping with the dog and my other cat is no where to be found.

And here I sit.

I just went on my tumblr site, and saw a gif for “wrecking ball” and now its on loop in my head. That song has a way of staying in your head. At least, it does me for some reason.

I was going to cancel my psych appt for Wednesday because I was mainly going in to “see how I was doing” on lithium (which I didn’t start), increased risperdal, increased elavil, and absence of zoloft. So I really didn’t see the point in going, but now I’m going to go so I can talk to him about YET AGAIN another med change. I thought increasing the risperdal would help the irritation, because they usually put me on it for that, but its no longer working. I think I need to get off of it, or lower it, or something, and start something different/new. Maybe I will go back to lithium. What I would like is some goddamn anger stiffler. I wanna tear everyones head off (while I alternate with crying…) and its getting old. I know they have pills for that shit, which I’m gonna have to google and go in with the names, so I have a chance. They want me in therapy coz maybe that’ll “help” my anger but lets be real. Its never worked before (Ill still try it though,) and I just need a damn pill for it. Something to lower my aggression.

My feet are falling asleep and my battery on this comp is half dead. Probably means it’s time to move position and get the charger. We’ll see.

Side note: why the hell do I smell syrup?

Grass isn’t greener, it may be dead.

For years I was so hopped up on (prescription) pills I was pretty much on auto pilot. I felt dead. I used to beg my doctor to fix me, make me feel SOMETHING. I was cutting alot just so I would feel ANYTHING. Now? MAKE IT STOP.

I cry at everything. EVERYTHING. Im irritable. Im impatient. I feel, alright. TOO MUCH.

Isn’t there some kinda middle? Where I can watch a commercial and not cry? That would be awesome.

Miscalculation on med change.

When I decided to get off 150 Zoloft and change my 50 Elavil to 100, apparently I didn’t realize that I’m losing meds in that change. I went from 50+150=200 to 100. And I realize that all meds are a different number and maybe 100 Elavil IS equal to 150 and 50…I have no idea, chemistry was something I never into. All I know is its been two days since I’ve had any zoloft and I’m on the edge of tears for no reason. Numerous times. I’m thinking horrible thoughts from my OCD. I’d probably benefit from a klonopin but I hate having to take them even though they’re prescribed for at least 1-3 times every day I only use them about 1 time a month.

I go back into the psychiatrist and I’ll ask him when I go in if they’re “equal” or even remotely close. Due to how I feel, I’m guessing probably not. Thats three weeks from now, so I guess if it escalates Ill have my answer ahead of time.

I just keep thinking about death and what happens after death and panic from thinking about death. I think about sickness and how I dont want to leave my house because Im scared of getting sick, while having cabin fever in a huge way because of all this goddamn snow. My husbands been taking the car and leaving me here alone. I’ve been in a house with dogs for all these snowy weeks, sometimes hes home sometimes hes not. Ive barely saw anyone in these few weeks, today I saw more people than all of the time combined. Everything is back to making me cry at the drop of a hat. Or for no reason at all.

Im bored without being bored. I have nothing to do. Some people make the comment about how theyd “love” to be on disability and “do nothing” all day. No. It sucks. It’s sucked for the last 12 years I’ve been on it. You see no one, you do nothing. We just recently cancelled cable because it was something we didnt really use, but then after we cancelled it I realized I did watch it more than I originally thought. I still have netflix and hulu plus, which keep me occupied, at least. We have the internet still. I stopped playing WoW to save money…and now I want to get it back, but we’re saving for a vacation this summer so I feel guilty. I have art projects, or video projects I could be doing but at the same time I’m too tired to do them. Nothing makes sense. I want to do something but then Im tired to do it. Anyway…

Did this polar vortex blow depression in as well?

With the exception of a ten minute jaunt to BK last night, I have been in the house a week due to this weather. And I think I’m starting to go a little mad.

I’m an introvert in the most extreme way. Being alone is something that I actually like. I’m not good around people…never have been. Going out into public is sometimes a trying event. But something about being caged in this house is setting off all sorts of issues in me. I’m getting depressed, my OCD is going apeshit, anxiety is off the hook. I sit here day in day out with nothing but my animals because my husband has been working alot. My OCD is screaming at me this isn’t clean, that isn’t clean, GERMSGERMSGERMS but then I don’t have the energy to do anything about it. (and in reality, everything is clean, anyway.) Ive thought my house was being broke into for a few days now, when in reality its ice melting. (although that one night I really have no idea what was going on…)

I can’t up any of my pills. I’m maxed on zoloft. They won’t raise my elavil. (Being on two anti depressants is bad for bipolars coz it can make you go into mania if there are too many at once). And if I take any more risperdal, I’ll be so fat I’ll not be able to move. I’m on double-triple the dose I used to take, as it is. And the more I take, the more weight I gain. I’ve gained 50 lbs this year. And I feel like it needs to be raised sometimes, with the thoughts in my head, but I just cant bring myself to take anymore.

I hate that because I stay in mixed bipolar 1 that its so damn hard to medicate. Im up, Im down, all at the same time. How the hell you medicate that? You don’t. You just take pills and pray they dampen the shitty parts. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.

I had pop for the first time in like three months yesterday. (Ive been giving it up, trying to lose weight…didn’t work this time so fuck it.) The large dose of caffiene kept me up an extra hour rehashing the last 15 years of my life, and all the fuck ups Ive had/done in that time. It was awesome. Dark room, unable to sleep, normally I cant remember anything, but suddenly, I remembered everything. And most of it, I didn’t want/need to remember.

And suddenly Im back to being emotional….how many pills can I take…I used to hate feeling numb, but I’m kinda tired of feeling.

July was a very, very bad month.

I was just reading backwards on this site, and July–I wonder how I lived through it. I want to put on the record what has happened between that mindset, and now.

Soon after the tirading posts about being worthless and a burden, I started “seeing” things. They weren’t “there” but I knew they were there. I saw them in my mind. My house was being overrun by these weird demon people. I spent nights up with insence trying to rid my house of these problems. I went to my psychiatrist, at this point, I had not been on ANY medication for almost 2 months. Since I have been diagnosed I have never, ever, not been on AT LEAST an antidepressant. The past 14 years, I have ALWAYS been medicated.

At the point, I literally stopped taking EVERYTHING for two months. When my mom or husband asked me if I took my medicine, I just kinda mumbled and nodded or changed the subject. I didn’t want to lie and say I took it, so when I was pressed, I would just say “I’ve missed a few doses, I’m going to be more careful”, and it would be dropped after more conversation.  I was tired of relying on pills to make me “normal”. Its degrading and I was so sick of it.

I went into a depression psychosis. I went into my doctor, and had an absolute melt down in the office. I was told I was going to have to have an in home visiting nurse to monitor me. I was going to have to go back on anti psychotics, and possible other pills that we would add gradually. I had never had a depressive episode in summer. Summer was the time for mania. For spending and speeding, and whatever else I could get my hands into. Maybe it was our lack of funds, my inability to spend or speed, that did it. There was alot of stress, building stress from a few years ago. It was coming to a head and I couldn’t deal anymore.

My hormones at that point were a complete disaster. I was tested (again, the first time at 23!) to see if I was going through menopause. I was not. I was put on pills to fix the issue, between hormone issues, and psychiatric issues, and stress issues, they really wanted me medicated. And I had not been any kind of medicated for 2 months.

Getting back in the swing of taking pills was easier, only due to the birth control that you have to take or it fucks up. That honestly (due to my fear of puking) is the only reason I have managed to take my pills, every day, since I was put back on them. (Last time I was on birth control, I missed one, in 2002, and doubled up, and spent the next day puking my guts out.) The demons are gone, (though every now and then I think they might check up on me) stress is somewhat lifted. I still feel like I’m being watched and there are people around me I can’t see, but I’ve always felt that way. Me and my husband chose to take care of some things in life that were really bothering us. Maybe one day I’ll talk about it. Today is not that day. Stress has gone down alot. We are getting along alot better. Life is looking up.

For a month, I had to go to my moms on Mondays, to avoid him on his day to go back to work. We would get in horrible arguments where he would (for the third/fourth time) mention divorce, during these days. I couldn’t handle the stress and pain this was causing so I would sleep at my moms on Mondays for about 4-6 weeks. With one tiny minor slip up, I have been able to return home on Mondays. We get along so much better its almost scary. We don’t fight alot any more. We’re even  more honest than we were before. I’m not as folded into myself. For a long time, I just wanted to be left alone. In every way possible. My depression had just bottomed out. I have never went into psychosis from depression. That was a huge wake up call to me. I knew I needed medication. I have stayed on it, and feel better. I just worry for the day my brain rationalizes that “Im better” and I dont need it anymore. God help me when that happens.

2-26-13 It’s baaaack.

When I was a teenager, when I ate, I would feel horrible for like an hour afterwards. I’m not quite sure how far progressed it would have gotten, since that was ALSO the time I became severely anorexic. Regardless, after a few years, it went away. I made it through most, if not all, of my twenties no problem. I think I started to feel that way again for awhile, but then I was (FINALLY) diagnosed with PCOS and Insulin Resistance. I was put on a RIDICULOUS amount of medication, like every other time in my life. I was not even a CONFIRMED diabetic–I was merely insulin resistant: on my way to type 2 diabetes, and I was on 2500 of metformin a day. I lost 40 lbs. I gained it all back. EVENTUALLY around 2009 or so, I didn’t have to take it anymore. I got just kind of well all over: I didn’t have to take my (again higher than should be doseage) of cholestoral medicine, my hypothyroidism went into check, I got off the metformin, and I was barely even taking any kind of psychiatric medication at that point. That was around the same time I landed in the hospital for the first time since I was two, due to a rare, serious allergic reaction to Bactrim that I was taking for the kidney infection I had. (again. at that point I was having around six kidney infections per year. Still am…) I was in the hospital for four days, and then suddenly sans for my anti depressant, I was pretty much medication free!

Started school. Mental breakdown. Back on the psych meds (and then some). Thyroid went off again. Back on that. Now I have fibromyalgia meds. Started getting kidney infections. (On second one this year. Its February. Seriously?) I was supposed to be taking a five month maintenance pill for the kidneys but I kinda forgot about it…along with most of the psych meds.

So recently, like as in the past month or so, I started getting that weird feeling when I eat again. Nauseous. Pain. Etc. I’ve been through all the “could bes”. I’ve had acid reflux since I was 12. It’s not heartburn. My mom swears its because I don’t “take my medicine properly” which while it WILL make me feel ill, its not connected to my food intake. Plus I wasn’t on those psych meds the first time I felt like that. Then it was the fact I didn’t take the kidney pills. And yes, kidney infections make you feel like ass. This is not the same ass. I bring up I think its more sugar related, and my mom counters with, “but you didn’t have sugar til your 20s”. MIGHT not be correct. I fought with doctors for LITERALLY about five years that I had PCOS. They told me I didn’t. Finally they gave me the test. Lo and behold, after arguing that “your sugar is perfect and normal” turns out my two hour glucose test is NOT normal. It ONLY showed up there. (Thats how I ended up on an ass ton of metformin.) My sugar could have been whacked for god knows how long. True, it DID happen after everything else, and insulin WAS laying on my liver from the ridiculously fast weight gain the hypothyroidism caused. (And by ridiculously fast I mean 100 lbs in like 6 months. I had BLACK stretch marks and I’m literally almost albino.) THAT wonderful little issue was caused because from LITERALLY one week monitor to the next, I went toxic on lithium, and it shut down my thyroid. I SERIOUSLY have the worst luck on the planet with side effects. I get all the bizarre ones. So I gained a SHIT ton of weight and got all this shit at once. It was a miserable fucking decade. I don’t even remember 2000-2004 at all. Vaguely 2005-2009 or so. Just ridiculous.

So jump to today and after this shit is seriously getting old, I google hypoglycemia because I used to have attacks (hello you give someone that much metformin theyre going to bottom out.) and somehow I missed the fact it tends to ALSO come with fibromyalgia. This version is called “reactive hypoglycemia”. No idea if I ACTUALLY have it but I found it interesting that it was tied in there.

I’m sure by reading this (if anyone has actually made it this far, congrats.) you’re thinking to yourself “Jesus! This chicks got Muncheusens Syndrome!” Sadly, I have proof and verification of all my ailments. And they ALL started from being dosed too high on psych meds, and the side effects. So one lesson you can take from this long rambley mess, boys and girls, is: Don’t let a doctor over medicate you. Otherwise you end up like me. No one wants that. Trust me.

2-17-13 Spiral

I went to sleep today at 1pm after staying up all night. I got up at 1030pm, laid in a dark room, and somehow managed to mentally sink as low and dark as the room I laid in. 

It started off fine. I could feel it, but it wasn’t going to necessarily spiral out of control. 

I have to say part of it is honestly my fault. After 14 years on medication, and I used to be so good with it, I just don’t really care about it anymore. I used to set alarms, write it down, make sure that I stayed on it, so I wouldn’t go up or down on a moments notice. About a couple years ago, once I was well enough to be on only a handful of pills per day, I just figured, well, why bother? And while the sane me says “hello, the whole reason you feel like this is due to DEPRESSION because you’re not taking the pills!” the other part of me says “and?” 

Is it weird and sick that after so many years of being so numb the only way to even remotely feel anything is to cut yourself to see the life drain out of you to realize you are a real human being? That by not taking medication, you FINALLY feel things? Albeit, you end up usually only feeling sadness, and you cry–alot–but at the same time, just the ABILITY to feel is such a nice thing, you’re willing to sacrifice stability and normalcy. A word, a song, a chord, a thought, a memory, can take you to places from the past that while making you cry or feel, its just so nice to not be a granite boulder that you will gladly live through it just for that moment? 

I’ve actually caught myself being happy on occasion. Me? Happy? Wow. But it’s true. And I catch it and I think–this is happy. I have come to a point in life where it is good enough where I am happy. But then I think–if there is happiness, how long will it be? What will happen? When will it choose to leave? What can I do to make it stay?

I’ve been in my routine for a year now. And it is coming to a close. I get up, drive my hour and a half, go to school. Go to a restaurant where I am a “regular” and they know my order before I even get to the counter. See the same people every day. Some I like, some I don’t. Get back in my car, drive the hour and a half home. Do my homework during the week. Lately, sometimes take my neices or hang with other family members. Things I NEVER would have done even a year or two ago. And now, in just ten days time, it will be over.

I’ve never been one that adjusts well to change. It took me months to even accept THIS routine. And now, before I know it, it’s over. What am I going to do now? Where am I going to go? I’ve been applying to jobs. Hopefully I’ll get one. I’m hoping to go back to school very soon. But then that will be another routine of things I have to get used to. I am hoping that the particular place I want to go works, it is a different school out of the school I am in currently. I would be in the same building, in the same area. But no matter where I go, or what I do, there will be an adjustment period. And I just don’t know if it’ll be adjusted to well. 

Part of me says graduate, try to get a job, and forget going back to school. That’s dangerous. I’ll end up never getting a job, never going to school, and end up feeling as worthless as I have the past ten years. Yes, I’m on disability. I want OFF. I want to LIVE. I want to depend on MYSELF and not others. I want to stop just SURVIVING.

And sometimes I just wonder where all the medication fits into that. I need it to keep jobs or go to school, but then I’m dead inside. I DON’T take it, I may flunk out or be expelled etc, and not finish. Why can’t pills just work for me like everyone else instead of either all or nothing, crazy or numb. 

People who wish to be numb, be careful what you wish for. It’s not worth it.