Tag Archives: mania

Been there, done that, fucking recycling it apparently.

I know at least one article at some point in this wordpress has an article Ive already wrote, Im just too lazy/pissed off to actually find it.

Sometimes it doesn’t really bother me. Most times it just picks at me. Today it fucking just hauled off and pissed in my face, which is why I am here, writing about it again. And prolly coz people on FB will get all pissy and delete me for not being a sheep.

You know how (esp if youre white) you cant use the almighty “N” word. Don’t use retard, it hurts people. “Gay” isn’t for everyday use. Then why the FUCK is crazy?

I am SO fucking tired of seeing “My mommma’s crazy!” “Im so crazy!” “I’ll go crazy on you and get away with it.” and all the other stupid fucking variants. Shut. The. Fuck. Up. You wanna know motherfucking crazy? Try losing your fucking life? Try killing yourself? Try losing everything youve worked for? Try losing everyone you ever cared about? Try never being able to hold a job? Try not being able to go places? Try being stared at every fucking day in stores? But HEHEHE its SO FUNNY to make shitty FB graphics and ACT ALL BADASS OH IM SO FUCKING CRAZY. Shut the fuck up! You dont know real fucking life altering “crazy” its not fucking CUTE or funny. You’re not gonna go beat some fuckers ass. Youre gonna sit behind your stupid computer screen on your stupid ass.

I’m so fucking tired of “crazy” getting a pass.


I Wanna Be Sedated

Its been about 18 hours. In case anyone was wondering, Im still in one piece. Some things were taken care of today so that was some stress off my plate. Got my 2 back broken tires replaced. (Well, one new one, one fixed one.) Got some groceries. My living rooms completely finished. Had some talks about the things bothering me. Took a nap. Im alot calmer now, finally.

Supposedly we were having a few people show up to help between tomorrow and Monday but well see how many show up. Im still beyond annoyed, and trust me, there are some things I’d love to go into, but I’m not. Due to low runs for the week after shut down we didnt even make 600 bucks this week, while bills are way more than that. Just like last week, where we made 500 for shut down while bills were almost 700. After we somehow catch up on this mess, things MIGHT start to ALMOST get better. Right now I just really want to sell this van thats just sitting here. We were going to keep it in case I got a job but I wont be getting a job so its just taking up the other driveway space and making it hard for me to see to back out. Plus I could take whatever I get from the sale and catch up for these two weeks. But Im not holding my breath–we attempted to sell it before and to no avail. Which ended up being a kinda good thing only because we used it in the move. But now, here it sits.

Due to the heat, no money, a blown out tire and a leaking tire, Ive been sitting at home and not leaving–at all. And its not even been that bad. Sure, I’d like to go out and do some photography or go somewhere or just go on a damn drive. But then its like, but do I REALLY wanna leave? Leaving is just so much work. Everything is too much work lately. Fuck, half the time getting out of bed its a toss up until I realize Im going to eat the cat sitting on me if I dont get up and get food at some point.

I cant remember having summer depression. Its always in winter. Its weird, but in a way, its almost safer. Mania comes with summer and with mania comes speeding tickets, and maxed charge cards, and weird stupid purchases no one understands, even me. This way with no energy, at least Im not being reckless in every way imaginable. Its odd, because Im so used to that mixed state, that not being in one is just odd. I “function” at mixed. Ive been fluctuating between mixed, mania, and depression for 14 years. Thats the whole reason why I am not a “functioning” bipolar. You can medically treat mania. Depression. Mixed states, not so much. Either your brain goes three hundred miles (mania) and your body refuses to move (depression), or your mind just shuts down (depression) and your body refuses to sleep, refuses to stop moving (mania). Usually I hover in the first kind of mixed. My brain never stops while I have no energy. Which then is weird because then you dont sleep, even though you have no energy. Your brain dont shut the hell up long enough to attempt to get sleep. Now, there is no mania in sight. Not even a slight hypomania. Body aint having it. Brain aint having it. Both just are “fuck it, we quit”. The only up I get is when my OCD starts to freak, and I get anxiety from that, which then I have some energy, just bad, misplaced energy.

I know part of its my fault. I know it. The sane part of me knows why I am this way, the unsane part doesnt give a fuck because its tired of drug dependancy. For 14 years, through all 30+ psychiatric medications, I have ALWAYS maintained at LEAST an anti depressant. I always have ran depressive/manic depressive. Through all the anti psychotics, anti seizure, anti manic, mood stablizer, buffers, anti anxiety, there has always at least been that ONE pill. Even when I went from 15 pills a day–still had that one. (along with my thyroid pill or any other pill I was on at the time.) But I just….get so tired of relying on pills to function. Of everytime Im in a bad mood or have a bad day someone quips “Did you take your pills today?” Because once you have that label, youre not longer a real human. Youre a diagnosis with a face. Take your pills, like a good girl! You’ll feel better! No. I’ll feel LESS like wanting to jump in front of a bus, Im less likely to punch you in your face, but no, I don’t “feel better.” I feel…not as shitty. Yay. Kill my body and my organs in side effects so I can feel “not as shitty”. I think its because between the lithium toxicity that destroyed my thyroid which then lead to cholestorol, diabetes, and PCOS, and then the sulfa drug allergy that caused a hospital stay for 4 days while they saw if I was going to bleed out due to platelets plummeting, I just am really damn weary of drugs. Yeah Ive been on these ones forever. So? Theyre just still slowly damaging everything.

Anyway, Ive noticed that I start on a topic which then jumps to another, to another to another, so Im just going to wrap this one up.

Addiction and death and life and coping

So last night while on Tumblr, it broke that the guy from Glee died.

He was a month younger than me.

And hes dead.

No doubt there are SO many people out there with the idea that he somehow “earned” it. Mr. Hollywood, threw it away for drugs. (Assuming the rumors of the cause are true…) Do people think that by making it to Hollywood you somehow are untouchable from lifes downfalls? That because they make money and people like them, they are really any different from you or I?

Some people may think, why all this fuss about an actor? Some guy from some TV show. There are children dying of diseases they never asked for! There are people like military, and police, and firemen that go to work everyday knowing it may be their last! WHY the fuss over just some actor?

Today, more than ever, people rely on things like TV or music to get by. They connect with characters, or lyrics, or fictional characters. Maybe alot of people identified with him, both fictionally, and in “real life”. More and more people today are dying due to drugs. More people go to rehab. Alot of the people that come out of rehab last a day…a week…a month…a year. But eventually, sadly, there will be a triggering event at some point down the line. ¬†Addiction is real. I’m not even just talking about drug addiction. I’m talking addiction in general. What other kinds of addiction are there? Food. Cutting. Weight maintanence. Spending. Sex. Alcohol. Some people have addictive personalities. I am one of those people.

Maybe its because I have OCD. But in my life, I have become “addicted” to many, many things. Some of which very well could have killed me:

  • Anorexia: I reached 76 lbs.
  • Cutting: I got up to three times DAILY
  • Spending: (you dont even want me to go there, but I have about 30k in credit card debt.)
  • World Of Warcraft: 12 hour stretches, daily. People have died from less.
  • Speeding in my car: 30+ over the limit (caught) twice.
  • Pop: the acid from it began to burn a whole through my lip.
  • Eating: after anorexia, I began to OVEReat. (Into obesity.)
  • Bingo: seven days a week, a few hundred dollars per week. (Gambling addiction.)

Any one of those things could end me. Starvation. Bleed out. Homelessness. Exhaustion. Reckless behavior. Binge eating.

Do any of them disappear? No. An addict is an addict. We deal daily. Sometimes we will go a week. A month. YEARS. Before some kind of a relapse. I’ve relapsed on every single topic.

Maybe there is all this attention to a person not because of his “celebrity” but because so many of us UNDERSTAND. We ALL have vices. Some more dangerous than others. Some better maintained than others. But we all know each other. We all see what each other goes through. Are you any better to look down your nose at a drug overdose while you puff on your cigarette and have your beer, while you are betting at the race track? No one is a saint. We all have demons, and we all fight those demons daily. Next time a celebrity, or a person you don’t know, or someone close to you has a “set back”…rememeber they are human. We all fail. We need people to understand. We need the support.

To those before me and those after me who fail and succomb to their demons, you are not alone, you are not weak, you are not any less. We are all dead in the end, we all die sometime. Don’t judge people for how they exit.