Tag Archives: lost

Another self discovery (Im just full of them recently)

While conversating on another post of mine, I’ve come to yet another self realization. Just call me Epiphany.

In a completely non sexual related manner, I have more issues.

I blame it on Chinese astrology:

I’m a dog.

Lets take this apart.

Dog people are honest, faithful and sincere. They respect tradition and value honor, and enjoy helping people. The Dog is very righteous, and always is the first to speak out against injustice. He is not good at socializing with friends, and rarely shines in company, but he is intelligent, caring and a good listener.

Honesty-what gets me in trouble. Faithful-Ridiculously so. Helping people-its what I do, even when I don’t want to. Injustice-I cant be around it. I am always fighting againt injustice. Lack of socialization-I am your token introvert. Intelligent-the only thing I pride myself on.

Loyal, faithful and honest, he has the most profound sense of duty. You can count on him and he’ll never let you down. And as a good listener, the Dog is also very reliable in keeping secrets for others. He simply doesn’t like to gossip.

Counting on me-I will not speak to you for years, and you call me in an emergency, and I will come to you. I know, its happened. Secret keeping-while most people know that I run at the mouth, Im keeping some major secrets for people. Even after years.

The Dog is an agreeable companion – when he is in a good mood. But when panic strikes, he can turn nasty, and bark till he is tired. He can be judgmental, defensive and picky if you rub him the wrong way, but as long as you know how to pet and massage him, the Dog makes absolutely the best and most honorable companion on earth.

Agreeable-here, I’m sure some of you are laughing. But there is many times I actually will agree just to end an arguement. Panic-that is what got me in trouble from 17-24: When I thought I was being left/uncared for I ran for the hills for replacements. I panic when there is a lack of stability. Judgemental and defensive: everyone swears I am judgemental, but I swear to you, I am not judging you. I AM opinionated on whatever topic, however. Defensive-I am constantly “justifying” myself, out of being defensive. I have to justify every mistake, every step. It has been brought to my attention many times.

Dogs are born old and get younger as they age. They take everything very serious. You may hear the Dog complains a lot about street lamps, about traffic, or about weather, but as he gets older, the less he takes his own criticisms seriously.

Ive been an old soul since I was born. Ask anyone who knew me as a child. I actually laughed out loud when I read the next part: get younger as they age. My husband literally said to me about a year ago “when you were 17, you were 90. When you were 30 you were 17.” Maybe in our rush to grow up, we miss enjoying being young. I know that was my problem. Now I am 31 going on 15 like some warped Benjamin Button.

The loyal Dog makes a splendid captain of industry, a priest, an educator, a critic, or a doctor. But whatever his career, it’ll have in him a spokesman whose ideals will be profound and often original.

Ive been told I’d make a good doctor, or teacher.

When the fear becomes reality, Dogs go a little crazy. The Dog enters a relationship where he is the giver and the partner is the taker. He is usually very generous and loyal, and in love, he is honest and straightforward. But he will have romantic problems all his life – it’s his own fault, really: he leads himself by his emotional in stability and his eternal anxiety. He is a worrier.

I literally just said “Oh my god” as I read this. Fear makes me make stupid, life altering mistakes. I have always been the giver, not the taker. There was a time I was a taker. I was young and stupid. As I got older, I am most definetely the giver. I give until I have nothing left, and usually, don’t get a whole lot in return. I am super generous. Loyal to an absolute fault. There are toxic relationships that if given the chance, I would probably go back to, because I don’t know any other way. In a relationship I am more than honest and straightforward. I will never lie to you, and I will be brutally honest…at the sake of anything good. So I will have romantic problems my whole life, eh? Awesome. It probably IS my own fault. Oh hell, who am I kidding, of COURSE its my fault! Worry is my middle name.

I don’t know how to give up. I just don’t. I can’t let go. Of anything, of anyone. I think of people I was friends with 20 years ago, and wonder where they are, what theyre doing, wonder why we’re no longer friends. It almost always ends with me as the issue. I think I’m a smotherer. I’m not real sure.

Everyone flinch here, I’m gonna quote LOST:

Christian Shephard: The most important part of your life was the time that you spent with these people on that island. That’s why all of you are here. Nobody does it alone, Jack. You needed all of them, and they needed you.

Jack Shephard: For what?

Christian Shephard: To remember. And to… let go.

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Stop cancelling shows that require intelligence / Introversion Problems

I normally boycott any and all new shows til the end of the first season/confirmation of pick up order, but against my better judgement, I had to try out Under The Dome. Every show that has ties to LOST dies a fiery death with the exception of Person of Interest and Once Upon A Time and Revolution. (RIP Alcatraz…Park Avenue 666….FlashForward….) But goddamn it I will be pissed if they cancel it.  Im so sick of shows that require 4 braincells to watch getting cancelled coz theyre too “complicated”, while shit like Jersey Shore can get season upon season.

Every time a show comes out that requires people to think, the reviews always come in the same…”Im not watching another LOST.” “Im not spending another 6 years on LOST.” You know what? To all those people that “wasted those 6 years”, I pity your lack of insight on what could have been arguably the best show to ever grace television. Paint me biased, as I run close to ten LOST based fan sites, but how people can not see its genius is beyond me. Oh, you had to think? Something didnt make sense to you? It MUST have been “stupid” and “pointless”. No. You should just attempt to think more. Or, go watch some more Jersey Shore.

Granted alot of people in todays world watch TV to “escape.” Great. Kudos to them. Awesome. Other people, people like myself, people that are introverted, or disabled, look to television for a much different kind of escape. A world where we are involved. Characters that we care about more than actual people. Stories we can lose ourselves in that take us away from what holds us back. People with “9 to 5” normalcy dont get it. They never will. You can go to your job, and make your friends. You can go to the bar, or a party. Thats fun for you. You know whats fun for me? Having a complicated story with complicated characters that I learn to love as my friends. That I feel their pain and watch their story and feel involved. Some of you know what I’m talking about.

There are people that just have to lose themselves. In TV. In movies. In books. In music. We need that escape to recharge. And sometimes having complete bubblegum fluff is the answer. But for people like me, thats almost never the case. Im a complex woman, in a fucked up reality.

Networks need to start realizing that by cancelling a show 7 episodes in, they are just fucking themselves. “Oh its not getting the ratings! Its losing money!” This isn’t the Nelson ratings anymore. We DVR. We On Demand. We stream. We YouTube. As much as you all claim to be up on technology, you ARE–I guarantee-missing views. How is it that shows that have huge cult following get that way? By no one watching them? Doubtful. Stop bowing to critics, stop basing everything on the almighty dollar, and readjust your way of measure. Too much good is going to waste.

Insanity

Long term depression, you’d think of my expression
and maybe you’re correct
My blank eyes stare through everyone
knowing they’re there
but not totally comprehending

I’m very misunderstood
and no one tries to help
I can’t really say anyone could
when I can’t even help myself

Not totally insane
at least–not yet

No one can feel the pain
in my heart; in my head
I hear a constant pounding
don’t know where it is at
and the way it’s sounding
is making me lose my mind.

Insanity, depression
all the same to me
in my minds judgemental session
both of them are to be.

-March 30, year unknown

Hiding Within

My lonely tears fall down my face
down they fall, and mark their place
on this poem I am writing here
the one I write, through more unshed tears

Who am I? Why am I here?
Not understanding, just feeling fear
I know who I am, just not the real me
That’s the one I need to know
she hides inside of me

I don’t know how to bring her out
I don’t know exactly what I’m about
One day I hope I’ll bring myself
into this world
Until then I hope and pray
that day will come, someway.

-March 27, year not known.