Tag Archives: life

Ive found its either go or stop.

Either things are going on enough that I have a topic to write about, or its so dead I can’t find anything to write about. Can’t we have a nice middle? But then again, thats life. 100 mph or dead.

Im back to my old sleep schedule: nonexistant. Im up all hours, and I get up somewhere near lunch to dinner. Thank you risperidal for keeping it straight as long as you did. Unfortunately I cant afford your prices or the weight gain any longer. I didn’t realize it had quite spiraled back to that until I was at Burger King at 4pm and the manager was like “How is your lunch/dinner?” and I answered with “breakfast.” Yep, its baaaack. On the other hand, Im getting to listen to alot of music on pandora and Ive read more books this month than last year combined. (1-2 per couple days.)

Mentally for a long time, with 3 exceptions as of late, I just stay in a “mixed” state. They’re hard to medicate. They’re hard to live with, but I’m pretty used to them by now. Considering its February, my normal month of ruin, I’m just sitting here waiting for SOMETHING to change. Either a depression so deep I can’t function, or a high that kicks my ass. For once I’d be happy with the mixed state. This weather isn’t helping at all, of course.

Once upon a time I handled writing correctly, a beginning middle and end. Here’s the end.

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So you think you’ve got friends?

I once read an article that summed up “friends” wonderfully. I’m going to attempt to explain it here, and hope I don’t completely bastardize it. I also once read that the body can only understand 150 relationships. Since you meet new people all the time, you end up forgetting relationships prior.

Lets say you have 10 “Friends”.

5-Actual Acquaintances. You’re on each others facebook, you talk small talk if you run into them at the store, your kids are in the same class. They observe your life, but don’t truly care about it. Your failures and wins equal about the same to this person. They are on the fringe of your circle. This is about as “friend” as you get. It covers 50% of all your relationships.

3-Friends. You go hang out at the bar, watch movies, get together one-three times a month, you call and text, but not all that frequently. You have a superbowl party, and invite them. You might tell them some things, but not the real important stuff.  They cover about 25% of your relationships.

2-Close friends. Call and text frequently. Hang out more than other aquantainces/friends. You get a promotion, you call these people to help you celebrate. They will be the people who help you move, and that you call when upset/happy. These cover 20% of your relationships.

1-Best Friend. These are the people who you can call at 3am when something life threatening is going on. They will pick you up in the middle of the night when you had a bad day. They know all your secrets. They are invited to the most intimate parties. You see each other frequently, and keep in constant contact. They are the person you call when something happens. These take up 5% or less of your friends.

Now, I could do the math, but I’m not going to. If you can, at max, have 150 relationships, including family, friends, neighbors, co-workers, etc, most of your relationships are acquaintances. Your 650 friends on facebook? Do the math. 80% of people you know or meet, don’t really mean anything to you in the long run. And only 5% really matter.

So when you blow off actual friends for pseudo-friends, remember the math. See who matters. Or maybe one day you’ll be in that 80% that don’t matter.

http://www.theguardian.com/technology/2010/mar/14/my-bright-idea-robin-dunbar

http://lifeisalesson2belearned.blogspot.com/2012/02/acquaintance-vs-friend.html

http://voices.yahoo.com/how-tell-difference-between-friends-acquaintances-481467.html

http://www.differencebetween.net/language/difference-between-acquaintance-and-friend/

 

Phobias and fears.

One time when I was a teenager I counted my fears and phobias. It wasn’t a pretty outcome. Over a hundred fears and almost a hundred phobias. Ten years later, I can say alot of the phobias turned into fears (a nice upgrade) and some fears went away. I can still confidently state that I have a ridiculous amount of both of them, and they are why I haven’t fully lived life.

I never understood people who went on shows like Dr. Phil to “face” their phobias. Fuck that. You wouldn’t get me in the same BUILDING as a fear, fuck the same room. Makes me wonder either how genuiune their phobias were, or makes me wonder if mine are off the charts.

First of all, I wouldn’t make it to the show to begin with. Not only do I have a fear of long travel, I’d have to drive myself, because I’m phobic of aircraft and airports. Assuming I got to the place, I would then have OCD kick in and make me tick every five or so steps. When I’m in an unfamiliar place or situation I have horrible OCD ticks. Just knowing a phobias of mine was in the BUILDING would give me pause to go inside and the second I heard it was “coming onto the stage” I’d be gone, never looking back.

But I guess thats why the use of “phobia” is so overused. People think that being scared of something is a phobia. No. Thats a fear. You are scared of something. A phobia is something completely different. Just ask someone that tries to throw me into a pool. I climbed away from them and left them bleeding while hyperventilating and crying.

It’s caused me ALOT of problems. I don’t partake in any kind of adventure. Too many things I’m scared of. The germaphobia from my OCD alone makes life miserable. I’m constantly monitoring the situation to see if anyone is sick, if I can touch certain objects, etc. I wasn’t a normal teenager by any stretch of the imagination. Never went to parties. Never smoked, drank, or did drugs. Did nothing really physical (first kiss at 14, sex at 18 or 19) with my boyfriends. Never went on spring break. When I found out my choir class was having to go to New York senior year as a requirement, I quit it.

Then on top of having so many fears and phobias, I have social and general anxiety disorders. I don’t like people. I don’t trust them. They cause disease and possible death. It’s kind of hard to get new friends in situations like that. Or keep them, either. It’s probably a good thing I’m an introvert, because I probably would have killed myself by now.

Never went on an actual honeymoon. Or vacations. Most kids went to disney. You couldn’t get me there kicking and screaming. I was offered a paid hawaiian cruise…no way in hell. That involves planes AND boats. Fuck that nonsense.

I’ve spent a lot of time basically living the life of a house plant. Every now and then I get watered and flourish, but I usually get knocked over by a cat and my leaves eaten.

Let It All Go.

Well you only need the light when it’s burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missin’ home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go

Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you’ll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast

You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you’ll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies

But you only need the light when it’s burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missin’ home
Only know you love her when you let her go

Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
‘Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast

Well you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
‘Cause you loved her too much
And you dived too deep

Well you only need the light when it’s burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missin’ home
Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go

For me, this song isn’t just about a love, its about the rest of it. So often we never realize what we have until we don’t have it. How we wish for change, but then the change comes and we wish it were back to the way it was.

Another self discovery (Im just full of them recently)

While conversating on another post of mine, I’ve come to yet another self realization. Just call me Epiphany.

In a completely non sexual related manner, I have more issues.

I blame it on Chinese astrology:

I’m a dog.

Lets take this apart.

Dog people are honest, faithful and sincere. They respect tradition and value honor, and enjoy helping people. The Dog is very righteous, and always is the first to speak out against injustice. He is not good at socializing with friends, and rarely shines in company, but he is intelligent, caring and a good listener.

Honesty-what gets me in trouble. Faithful-Ridiculously so. Helping people-its what I do, even when I don’t want to. Injustice-I cant be around it. I am always fighting againt injustice. Lack of socialization-I am your token introvert. Intelligent-the only thing I pride myself on.

Loyal, faithful and honest, he has the most profound sense of duty. You can count on him and he’ll never let you down. And as a good listener, the Dog is also very reliable in keeping secrets for others. He simply doesn’t like to gossip.

Counting on me-I will not speak to you for years, and you call me in an emergency, and I will come to you. I know, its happened. Secret keeping-while most people know that I run at the mouth, Im keeping some major secrets for people. Even after years.

The Dog is an agreeable companion – when he is in a good mood. But when panic strikes, he can turn nasty, and bark till he is tired. He can be judgmental, defensive and picky if you rub him the wrong way, but as long as you know how to pet and massage him, the Dog makes absolutely the best and most honorable companion on earth.

Agreeable-here, I’m sure some of you are laughing. But there is many times I actually will agree just to end an arguement. Panic-that is what got me in trouble from 17-24: When I thought I was being left/uncared for I ran for the hills for replacements. I panic when there is a lack of stability. Judgemental and defensive: everyone swears I am judgemental, but I swear to you, I am not judging you. I AM opinionated on whatever topic, however. Defensive-I am constantly “justifying” myself, out of being defensive. I have to justify every mistake, every step. It has been brought to my attention many times.

Dogs are born old and get younger as they age. They take everything very serious. You may hear the Dog complains a lot about street lamps, about traffic, or about weather, but as he gets older, the less he takes his own criticisms seriously.

Ive been an old soul since I was born. Ask anyone who knew me as a child. I actually laughed out loud when I read the next part: get younger as they age. My husband literally said to me about a year ago “when you were 17, you were 90. When you were 30 you were 17.” Maybe in our rush to grow up, we miss enjoying being young. I know that was my problem. Now I am 31 going on 15 like some warped Benjamin Button.

The loyal Dog makes a splendid captain of industry, a priest, an educator, a critic, or a doctor. But whatever his career, it’ll have in him a spokesman whose ideals will be profound and often original.

Ive been told I’d make a good doctor, or teacher.

When the fear becomes reality, Dogs go a little crazy. The Dog enters a relationship where he is the giver and the partner is the taker. He is usually very generous and loyal, and in love, he is honest and straightforward. But he will have romantic problems all his life – it’s his own fault, really: he leads himself by his emotional in stability and his eternal anxiety. He is a worrier.

I literally just said “Oh my god” as I read this. Fear makes me make stupid, life altering mistakes. I have always been the giver, not the taker. There was a time I was a taker. I was young and stupid. As I got older, I am most definetely the giver. I give until I have nothing left, and usually, don’t get a whole lot in return. I am super generous. Loyal to an absolute fault. There are toxic relationships that if given the chance, I would probably go back to, because I don’t know any other way. In a relationship I am more than honest and straightforward. I will never lie to you, and I will be brutally honest…at the sake of anything good. So I will have romantic problems my whole life, eh? Awesome. It probably IS my own fault. Oh hell, who am I kidding, of COURSE its my fault! Worry is my middle name.

I don’t know how to give up. I just don’t. I can’t let go. Of anything, of anyone. I think of people I was friends with 20 years ago, and wonder where they are, what theyre doing, wonder why we’re no longer friends. It almost always ends with me as the issue. I think I’m a smotherer. I’m not real sure.

Everyone flinch here, I’m gonna quote LOST:

Christian Shephard: The most important part of your life was the time that you spent with these people on that island. That’s why all of you are here. Nobody does it alone, Jack. You needed all of them, and they needed you.

Jack Shephard: For what?

Christian Shephard: To remember. And to… let go.

It’s not enough not to lie

You know how people say “Oh, everyone lies!”

I don’t. As in, I refuse.

I’ve lost ALOT of people over this.

Don’t ask me if your ass looks big in that…if it does, I’ll tell you.

Some people have commended me on my honesty.

Others, ran screaming. (Can’t honestly say I blame them.)

There was a time…we’ll say…up til about…five years ago, that there were some people I would…not be entirely…upfront…with. Lie to them? Never. But I held a LOT of stuff back. Mostly out of fear. Mostly out of fear they’d not talk to me again. (If you’re curious how that turned out, lets just say I have alot less friends these past 5 years…) I’ve always, always, been an honest person. I’ve never stole. I tell on myself. If you ask me my honest opinion, you’re going to get it. (So if you don’t really want to know, don’t ask me, it’ll save us both alot of time and arguing!)

I’ve always been a person who believes in “treat others the way you’d like to be treated.” Some people would probably argue with that. They’d tell me how “I wouldn’t like being talked to like that,” or some other protest. But in all honesty, I would. My biggest problem is that people DON’T tell me the truth. They don’t ness. lie, but they don’t offer up the truth.

I’ve heard “I didn’t want to tell you…” more times than I care to count. It’s usually followed by “because I thought you’d judge me.” Let me stop there and explain something. I don’t judge people. It’s not for me to judge. However. I do…reply. And I could see how someone would possibly think that was a judgement. But it’s not. I promise you.

I’ve always been honest with my husband. Always. We have the most open relationship on the planet. He tells me when girls are cute. I tell him when I find people attractive. I tell him everything on my mind, even stuff most people would never dream of telling their significant other. Things that might be brutal to hear. But I believe it is owed to him.

Once, I went on a spree of finding everyone I ever wronged, and telling them I was sorry. Whether it was through a face to face, a phone call, a letter. I wanted to be honest with them about whatever had went on. There’s a person here or there I’d still like to do that with, but don’t think I ever will. I’ve as of late opened my self up TOO much perhaps. (Is there such a thing? I’m sure most would agree there is a limit…)

I know I’ve come across at times as judgemental. Tactless. Blunt. Rude.

Is it sad that I’d rather have people be the same to me… I’d rather be “slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie.” I don’t want you to kiss my ass when I’m around and talk shit about me to whoever will listen. I want you to be straight up with me. I am straight up with you.

Does this mean I’ve never “talked behind someones back?” Hell no. Of course I have… hell…I’m probably alot more guilty of it than most, to be honest! But when I’m doing that, it’s to prep for later, when I talk to the person about that very thing. I ususually write things when I want to talk. My words in person get jumbled up, there is no backspace key when youre in real time. I cry. Alot. I cry when people yell at me. I always have. I look like I’d rip your head off, but if you yell at me, I will cry.

I know there are consequences for my truth. I was told once by someone that I needed to “stop not saying things…” so I did. And now they won’t talk to me. I did what they wanted, and they’re gone. I know that sometimes when you call me to vent, and I take up for you on your side, it makes you hate me for being against the person you’re complaining about. But I can’t help it.

This all probably came to be written because this afternoon me and my husband had another one of our talks. And I had told him a few things that I… not KEPT from him, just things that any NORMAL person would keep to themselves. I feel guilty for that. I feel guilty when I think something that I know would hurt someone. I have to tell them so I can ask their forgiveness. I don’t know what hurts more…the fact I had to tell them something probably best left unsaid, or the fact that I have to deal with the aftermath of knowing regardless I hurt the person. At least if I had kept whatever to myself, they’d be oblivious, right? They wouldn’t hurt. So maybe its selfish of me to be so honest. I don’t know.

I hate that my mind goes 24 hours a day at lightening speed, thinking up things I don’t want to think about, that make me feel guilty, that make me feel like I have to tell people, that makes them angry with me. I hate that people hate ME because I’m honest. Because of the WAY I’m honest. I can’t help it. I wonder if there is a name for it? Does it run with my OCD? That I LITERALLY have to tell the truth…it is an obsession.

I wonder if one day my truth will make me end up alone.

Theres alot of things I’ve said that should have gotten me to that point. Really, there is. I’ve said/done some things that I wish I never had. (Much like anyone else.) But do I really have to tell on myself afterwards? Most people are smart enough to leave it locked up, with a key. Me? I put that shit on billboards and set them on fire.

Honestly, sometimes it sucks to be honest.

There should be a name for this feeling

Im not discontent. Im not unhappy. Im actually probably happier than I’ve been in awhile.

But Im….sad.

Sad at all the people I’ve lost in my life, and the reasoning behind it all. I dont mean, losing like, death. I mean, losing like, gave up on me.

Lord knows Ive probably earned some of it. Being mentally ill, you never know when youre going to pop off at the mouth and insult someone for the last time. But then part of me is just over here like, ‘but they KNOW I have this illness, and theyre still that willing to give up?’

Im not that kind of person, so it always suprises me when people are. I’ve always been into “treat people as you would like to be treated” and I couldn’t imagine holding something against someone that they may not know they did, or don’t remember doing or that they did while they had no control.

Im not saying people need to roll over and be doormats. Hell no. But what ever happened to people talking shit out? Nowadays, you just get kicked off facebook, and people don’t return your texts and calls. Its that easy now.

What makes people give up so easy?

Ive been ran over, picked up, turned over, ran over again, backed up over, drove circles on, set fire to, and still not given up on people. So how is it people so easily give up on me?

Ive put up with ALOT of shit in life. A LOT lot. Most I dont talk about. No point. Regardless as most people see me as this outspoken, blunt, tactless person (which, 90% of the time I am) there are people and situations I not only bite my tongue, but take alot more shit than I normally would. Out of fear. So when I started to NOT do that, people suddenly ran for the hills. They were allowed to say to me whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted, but I could not do the same.

It takes ALOT…hell…it could probably be IMPOSSIBLE…for me to never talk to you again. All it takes for me to “forgive” is for someone to own up to their actions. Thats it. That simple. “I fucked up.” is enough. I can’t even think of a time that is so unforgiveable I wouldn’t not talk to someone. I believe in talking things and situations out. I can see both sides of anything.

Im sad at the people that thought I wasnt worth the time, energy, or effort. That I put that into them, but never got it in return. Because of this, I dont hold alot of people dear anymore. I dont want to get invested. Whats the point? Pretty much everyone with the exception of a small few, have failed me. That have passed over me for better things, better people.

I hate writing things that are vague. This is all vague. I can’t go into specifics. Not because I think the people I’m talking about will ever see it. (I mean after all, theyre the ones who wrote me off, why WOULD they see this?) I dont know. Maybe I should reactivate a locked journal or something. I wish there was an app on my nook that I could just write on. Maybe there is and I havent found it yet. Maybe I should resort to paper and pen. (takin it old school…)

This was all rambly and didnt make a lot of sense, I know.

Ive pretty much been glued to the computer/phone for 48/72 hours

Considering Ive barely slept enough in three days for one night, Id say Ive spend entirely too much time on the computer the past few days.

I am utterly and completely exhausted and I keep thinking, go take a nap. And yet, here I sit.

On a random note, Id really like for WordPress to stop telling me I have new likes and adds after I’ve already cleared them. You get my hopes up and smush them like tiny bugs. I take that follower count seriously, dude.

I revamped my website. Only to realize I hated it, bought another URL, redid the first website, made the second website, made a new facebook/twitter/email to go with the second one. So now my art (http://niteowl-media.com) has its place, and my tarot reading has its place (http://niteowloracle.net) Because originally I put them together and while it didnt look bad due to seperate pages, it just seemed really really odd.

Then I spent a couple hours today remaking business cards, etc.

I also have spent ridiculous amounts of time on the phone in the past 36 hours. I don’t like the phone, and I don’t like using it to have to talk to people I don’t even know about situations that are none of their business. I only ended up screaming at and hanging up on one, and I think that is a personal best.

-Called 7 places about selling my van. (In good news, van is sold now because of this.)

-Tried to figure out where the hell my student loans are which only required three different places giving me numbers to the next guy to answer my questions, but now thats taken care of.

-Called my cable company and told them their tech guy was a qualified douchebag, to come get their shit outta my house. It ended up with them sending a new guy out and fixing the problem the original fuckstick was too lazy to fix.

-Called my bank to report my card lost/stolen only for them to tell me I had to pay 7.50 for a new card on an account Ive had over a decade that I dont lose cards on. It pissed me off enough I told them to put a hold on my card and that if I didnt find it in the seven days there was a hold I would come pull all my money out and take it elsewhere. Yes, over 7.50. Why? After posting it to facebook, had someone tell me how they get free cards from them. Yeah, fuck you bank.

-Ended up blowing up social media and filing a report at a mall after some unprofessional shiz went down. That was totally how I wanted to spend my day. But then again between that instance (because the owner of a store yelling their customers are bitches and to GET THE FUCK OUT OF HER STORE in front of a 10 and 13 year old is GREAT PROFESSIONALISM), the tech guy being misogynistic little prick, and the bank being assholes, Im about 589809% done with customer service.

-After making comments the past year and a half about how I have no idea how people break their Iphones, broke my iphone. I have THROWN it, DROPPED it, you name it. Never a dent. Never a scratch. I was tired as fuck from no sleep, it slipped about 3 feet from my hands and BOOM diagonal fuckdom on the phone. So guess who gets to go drive up to best buy and fix that solution?

How is it that all this random bullshit is actually while VERY GODDAMN ANNOYING, not enough to make the past few days horrible. Of course, get back with me in a day or two. I may have changed my mind.

Just not enough time in the day

The situation where I am is a little annoying, but knowing where to point that annoyance is getting harder.

We moved my house. The house has been in its new spot since late June. The air conditioning didnt work until about a week ago. (Well it wasnt hooked up AT ALL to begin with, then when it was, it was hooked up wrong.) I don’t work. My husband works so much I almost never see him, as he is a truck driver. He has maybe 48 hours over the stretch of the week that hes home, and obviously some of that is spent sleeping. The rest of that time?

Regardless of the fact that, lets be honest, my husband is slacking, in the end, even if he WASNT there just isnt enough time in a day. Granted the past couple weeks getting him to do much of ANYTHING has been like pulling teeth. But on top of that, it rained 17/18 days in a three week span. Its been a heat index of about 105 for the past few days, plus other sporadic heat waves. My yards been flooded, and its been ravaged by mosquitoes on top of that. If you take all that into consideration, plus the fact he isnt even in the state most of the time, and when hes home he does some work and some relaxation, obviously this house is not getting done in a timely manner.

Im beyond annoyed at the fact that Ive had numerous people offer to help and not show up. Honestly, if youre not really planning on helping can you do yourself and me a favor and not offer to make yourself look good? Because you end up looking like the deceitful lying jackass you are. Ive had some people offer and GENUINELY cannot stand to their word due to THEIR lives, and those people I have no issue with. I do have issues when others tell me they will help and we count on that help and in some times WAIT for that help only for it not to show, which then sets us even FARTHER back.

I refuse to name any names or even hint as to any of these peoples identity. Its not important. Whats important is that I’m losing my mind from this mess, I need it done and over and not only is it NOT done and over, its multiplying. On top of the mess of the move there is the mess of every day life, there is a mess of animals there is just MESS. And when you have OCD its hard to deal with that mess.

Ive not been as “helpful” as I should be. Im fat, Im out of shape. My fibro kicks up not only due to the weather, the stress, and any other reason, but I also havent been taking my meds correctly. Again, falls on me. Im not as strong as needed sometimes. My OCD keeps me from doing alot of shit. My PCOS is being its wonderful self and Ive been bleeding for almost a month straight. And in the end, I just dont have the energy or even care enough to work on it. Its spiralled into this “theres so much to do, lets just do nothing.” So instead, I spend my time bitching while getting nothing accomplished. The things LEFT to do are just stupid menial shit that honestly if everyone shut up, pitched in, and grinded it out, each room would take under an hour. Stuff needs to be hung. Standard cleaning like dusting/vacuuming. Thanks to this damn dog every room needs to have its carpet cleaned. But instead there are boxes and random crap all over. Nothing where it needs to be. I have no kitchen table, there are boxes covering it. My living room table, covered in stuff we need to get rid of. Then there is stupid bullshit maintenance stuff that I cant understand why it doesnt get done.

Im angry because when he comes home, he wants to not work on it. He wants to relax. (And obviousy, who the hell doesnt deserve to relax, esp people who work 70 hours a week!) He’ll however find time to go help someone ELSE with whatever. The funny part about that issue is that those same people that hes helping, cant ever seem to find time to help back. We need tons of help.

Im angry because people offer and then dont come through with the actual help.

Im angry because I pretty much fail at everything in life and if I was a normal person this all would have been done by now.

Im angry because he works like he does and when he does come home its either he cleans or we spend time together but theres never time for both. And even then, its pointless wanting that because the time spent isn’t with me anyway. Its either time spent with someone else doing something for them, or time spent by himself doing whatever he wants to do.

Im angry I cant do anything or go anywhere while hes gone, and then he gets home and we still go no where and do nothing. As of late I cant be fiscally mad due to the fact we have no money for anything. But if we do have money, its pointless too.

Im angry because instead of DOING something about it, Im sitting here WRITING about doing something about it instead.

Im not blind. Im not stupid. I KNOW how this looks to people. “I dont work” “What do I do all day” “Why arent you working on it more if it bothers you so much”. I dont know where to start, and I dont know what I can do by myself and so all I do is spend my time doing stupid menial shit like laundry.

In reality I know this isnt just his fault. In reality its a mix of everyone and no one all at the same time. There just isn’t enough time in the day to finish what needs to be done.

I’m so lazy I’m on my phone

Remember that person that stayed on their couch so long they became a part of it? yeah that’s probably going to end up being me. I don’t want to move. the most I’ve done in the past two hours is swat at this goddamn mosquito that keeps feeding on my dog that’s on my leg. 

ive missed a few doses of medicine lately but that can’t account for the shitty mental status I’m in. at least I’m not so far gone that I dot realize what’s going on. I’m sure another week or so and I’ll have no clue if it continues at the rate. 

 

im beyond apathetic. do just don’t care bout anything. I’m lonely but don’t want to be around people. they just annoy the shit outta me. I can’t explain my issue I don’t even understand it myself. I’ve barely left my house at all the past two weeks and when I do it’s to go to family. or take my husband to work. it’s mid July. the years is half over. the summer is flying by. and I’m just here. always just here. waiting. 

for what I don’t know.