Tag Archives: letting go

Letting Go is something that comes up alot

There seems to be a weird thing that follows me. I love/obsess things that have to do with “letting go” (while listening to a song saying the lyric over and over lol.).

There is LOST which one of the key things in it, especially in the last scenes which has an entire speech about it.

There is the song “Let Her Go” by Passenger. “Letting Go” by Sozzi, which is showcased in Dawsons Creek. (A show that means alot to me.)

I think it comes up so much because I utterly suck at being able to do it.

I can never let go of mistakes Ive made. I can’t let go of toxic people in my life. I can’t let go of my past. I can’t let go of people that are already gone. (That last one I’m finally starting to come to terms with, thank god.) I can’t let go of just about anything, to be honest. I’m stuck.

I don’t mean to be. I don’t WANT to be.

I read once in a numerology book that there are certain things each life cycle we are meant to have, or meant not to have. I don’t know how true that is, and its for a whole other entry on what exactly I’m missing out on, but it does make me think. There has to be something celestially going on that I am this bad at letting go of things in life. I wish I could go into some of the topics, but this is a public place and on the infantisimal chance they were to ever find this, I won’t right now. eventually I may. It has to do with a handful of people.

I used to have a really good memory. Like, REALLY good. Once I got on all these psych meds, I walked in a stupor for approx 4-5 years. I can barely remember anything from 1999-2003. Flashes, sometimes. Maybe I don’t want to let go of things because that would just be more I couldn’t remember? I can really only guess. I’m sure there is some psychological reason. Maybe because my mom went out on Thursdays when I was a kid. Who knows?

I actually quoted the scene from LOST in another entry on here, I remember doing that. Don’t remember what one, or why. Maybe I was complaining about it. I do that alot. I know I’ve posted the lyrics to “Let Her Go”–mostly because it really reminds me not only of life in general, but of being bipolar.

Probably why Ill always remember this:

The most…important part of your life, was the time that you spent with these people. That’s why all of you are here. Nobody does it alone Jack. You needed all of them, and they needed you.”

“For what?”

“To remember…and to…let go.”

Another self discovery (Im just full of them recently)

While conversating on another post of mine, I’ve come to yet another self realization. Just call me Epiphany.

In a completely non sexual related manner, I have more issues.

I blame it on Chinese astrology:

I’m a dog.

Lets take this apart.

Dog people are honest, faithful and sincere. They respect tradition and value honor, and enjoy helping people. The Dog is very righteous, and always is the first to speak out against injustice. He is not good at socializing with friends, and rarely shines in company, but he is intelligent, caring and a good listener.

Honesty-what gets me in trouble. Faithful-Ridiculously so. Helping people-its what I do, even when I don’t want to. Injustice-I cant be around it. I am always fighting againt injustice. Lack of socialization-I am your token introvert. Intelligent-the only thing I pride myself on.

Loyal, faithful and honest, he has the most profound sense of duty. You can count on him and he’ll never let you down. And as a good listener, the Dog is also very reliable in keeping secrets for others. He simply doesn’t like to gossip.

Counting on me-I will not speak to you for years, and you call me in an emergency, and I will come to you. I know, its happened. Secret keeping-while most people know that I run at the mouth, Im keeping some major secrets for people. Even after years.

The Dog is an agreeable companion – when he is in a good mood. But when panic strikes, he can turn nasty, and bark till he is tired. He can be judgmental, defensive and picky if you rub him the wrong way, but as long as you know how to pet and massage him, the Dog makes absolutely the best and most honorable companion on earth.

Agreeable-here, I’m sure some of you are laughing. But there is many times I actually will agree just to end an arguement. Panic-that is what got me in trouble from 17-24: When I thought I was being left/uncared for I ran for the hills for replacements. I panic when there is a lack of stability. Judgemental and defensive: everyone swears I am judgemental, but I swear to you, I am not judging you. I AM opinionated on whatever topic, however. Defensive-I am constantly “justifying” myself, out of being defensive. I have to justify every mistake, every step. It has been brought to my attention many times.

Dogs are born old and get younger as they age. They take everything very serious. You may hear the Dog complains a lot about street lamps, about traffic, or about weather, but as he gets older, the less he takes his own criticisms seriously.

Ive been an old soul since I was born. Ask anyone who knew me as a child. I actually laughed out loud when I read the next part: get younger as they age. My husband literally said to me about a year ago “when you were 17, you were 90. When you were 30 you were 17.” Maybe in our rush to grow up, we miss enjoying being young. I know that was my problem. Now I am 31 going on 15 like some warped Benjamin Button.

The loyal Dog makes a splendid captain of industry, a priest, an educator, a critic, or a doctor. But whatever his career, it’ll have in him a spokesman whose ideals will be profound and often original.

Ive been told I’d make a good doctor, or teacher.

When the fear becomes reality, Dogs go a little crazy. The Dog enters a relationship where he is the giver and the partner is the taker. He is usually very generous and loyal, and in love, he is honest and straightforward. But he will have romantic problems all his life – it’s his own fault, really: he leads himself by his emotional in stability and his eternal anxiety. He is a worrier.

I literally just said “Oh my god” as I read this. Fear makes me make stupid, life altering mistakes. I have always been the giver, not the taker. There was a time I was a taker. I was young and stupid. As I got older, I am most definetely the giver. I give until I have nothing left, and usually, don’t get a whole lot in return. I am super generous. Loyal to an absolute fault. There are toxic relationships that if given the chance, I would probably go back to, because I don’t know any other way. In a relationship I am more than honest and straightforward. I will never lie to you, and I will be brutally honest…at the sake of anything good. So I will have romantic problems my whole life, eh? Awesome. It probably IS my own fault. Oh hell, who am I kidding, of COURSE its my fault! Worry is my middle name.

I don’t know how to give up. I just don’t. I can’t let go. Of anything, of anyone. I think of people I was friends with 20 years ago, and wonder where they are, what theyre doing, wonder why we’re no longer friends. It almost always ends with me as the issue. I think I’m a smotherer. I’m not real sure.

Everyone flinch here, I’m gonna quote LOST:

Christian Shephard:┬áThe most important part of your life was the time that you spent with these people on that island. That’s why all of you are here. Nobody does it alone, Jack. You needed all of them, and they needed you.

Jack Shephard: For what?

Christian Shephard: To remember. And to… let go.