Tag Archives: introvert

I want out…no I want back in…..

Like every introvert out there, we resemble cats. We want to go out and be social because we think we’re lonely after long intervals of recharge, but then we go out and immediately are in over stimulation and we want back in. With all this snow, I’m getting horrible cabin fever, but then I go out or socialize and I just want to be alone and home again. 

I think the biggest problem I have is just that I want to be “normal” and “have friends” and “do stuff”….and then I try to do said things and immediatly regret the decision. I start getting easily annoyed by everyone around me. I want to say things that should probably not be said. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

I think once the weather breaks itll be better. I can get out, alone, and drive. That’s when I’m best…alone with my thoughts and my music. Now if this goddamn snow could stop dumping all over Michigan, I’d be grateful. 

Did this polar vortex blow depression in as well?

With the exception of a ten minute jaunt to BK last night, I have been in the house a week due to this weather. And I think I’m starting to go a little mad.

I’m an introvert in the most extreme way. Being alone is something that I actually like. I’m not good around people…never have been. Going out into public is sometimes a trying event. But something about being caged in this house is setting off all sorts of issues in me. I’m getting depressed, my OCD is going apeshit, anxiety is off the hook. I sit here day in day out with nothing but my animals because my husband has been working alot. My OCD is screaming at me this isn’t clean, that isn’t clean, GERMSGERMSGERMS but then I don’t have the energy to do anything about it. (and in reality, everything is clean, anyway.) Ive thought my house was being broke into for a few days now, when in reality its ice melting. (although that one night I really have no idea what was going on…)

I can’t up any of my pills. I’m maxed on zoloft. They won’t raise my elavil. (Being on two anti depressants is bad for bipolars coz it can make you go into mania if there are too many at once). And if I take any more risperdal, I’ll be so fat I’ll not be able to move. I’m on double-triple the dose I used to take, as it is. And the more I take, the more weight I gain. I’ve gained 50 lbs this year. And I feel like it needs to be raised sometimes, with the thoughts in my head, but I just cant bring myself to take anymore.

I hate that because I stay in mixed bipolar 1 that its so damn hard to medicate. Im up, Im down, all at the same time. How the hell you medicate that? You don’t. You just take pills and pray they dampen the shitty parts. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.

I had pop for the first time in like three months yesterday. (Ive been giving it up, trying to lose weight…didn’t work this time so fuck it.) The large dose of caffiene kept me up an extra hour rehashing the last 15 years of my life, and all the fuck ups Ive had/done in that time. It was awesome. Dark room, unable to sleep, normally I cant remember anything, but suddenly, I remembered everything. And most of it, I didn’t want/need to remember.

And suddenly Im back to being emotional….how many pills can I take…I used to hate feeling numb, but I’m kinda tired of feeling.

Stop cancelling shows that require intelligence / Introversion Problems

I normally boycott any and all new shows til the end of the first season/confirmation of pick up order, but against my better judgement, I had to try out Under The Dome. Every show that has ties to LOST dies a fiery death with the exception of Person of Interest and Once Upon A Time and Revolution. (RIP Alcatraz…Park Avenue 666….FlashForward….) But goddamn it I will be pissed if they cancel it.  Im so sick of shows that require 4 braincells to watch getting cancelled coz theyre too “complicated”, while shit like Jersey Shore can get season upon season.

Every time a show comes out that requires people to think, the reviews always come in the same…”Im not watching another LOST.” “Im not spending another 6 years on LOST.” You know what? To all those people that “wasted those 6 years”, I pity your lack of insight on what could have been arguably the best show to ever grace television. Paint me biased, as I run close to ten LOST based fan sites, but how people can not see its genius is beyond me. Oh, you had to think? Something didnt make sense to you? It MUST have been “stupid” and “pointless”. No. You should just attempt to think more. Or, go watch some more Jersey Shore.

Granted alot of people in todays world watch TV to “escape.” Great. Kudos to them. Awesome. Other people, people like myself, people that are introverted, or disabled, look to television for a much different kind of escape. A world where we are involved. Characters that we care about more than actual people. Stories we can lose ourselves in that take us away from what holds us back. People with “9 to 5” normalcy dont get it. They never will. You can go to your job, and make your friends. You can go to the bar, or a party. Thats fun for you. You know whats fun for me? Having a complicated story with complicated characters that I learn to love as my friends. That I feel their pain and watch their story and feel involved. Some of you know what I’m talking about.

There are people that just have to lose themselves. In TV. In movies. In books. In music. We need that escape to recharge. And sometimes having complete bubblegum fluff is the answer. But for people like me, thats almost never the case. Im a complex woman, in a fucked up reality.

Networks need to start realizing that by cancelling a show 7 episodes in, they are just fucking themselves. “Oh its not getting the ratings! Its losing money!” This isn’t the Nelson ratings anymore. We DVR. We On Demand. We stream. We YouTube. As much as you all claim to be up on technology, you ARE–I guarantee-missing views. How is it that shows that have huge cult following get that way? By no one watching them? Doubtful. Stop bowing to critics, stop basing everything on the almighty dollar, and readjust your way of measure. Too much good is going to waste.

Tomorrow is college graduation

My last day of school was actually Feb 28, but they combine classes so the hall is cheaper. So, four months later, I’m “graduating”.

Its been 13 years since I did anything like that.

The last time I graduated I had been diagnosed with bipolar 1, OCD, and anxiety disorder for a little over a year. I remember the day of graduation, it was a warm day. Everyone was outside on the field, and I was having a massive panic attack in the cafeteria. The thought of being on that field, with people. That people were watching. That I was trapped on the field. That I would look like the crazy ass I was if I ended up running off of it in a panic.

They set me at the edge of a row, just in case my fight or flight kicked in and I ran like hell. But I made it through, amazingly. I don’t remember most of it…or hell…90% of it. But then again, year 2000-2004 are pretty much nonexistant in my memory. I was diagnosed in 1999, and was on a myriad of drugs for those years. I was taking upwards of 15 pills a day. Anti psychotics, mood stablizers, anti depressants, anti anxiety, anti seizure, you name it. And when something wasn’t working, just up the dose! I ended up spending alot of time doped to the gills, thus the memory issues. To this day, my short term memory is practically non existant. I can remember great from childhood to 1999. I remember 2005-2009 vaguely.

I get angry that I have practically no memory of a decade. The twenties are supposed to be a great time. Finding yourself. Making your mistakes. I made mistakes alright. I know I held some jobs, but I don’t remember when, or how long, or sometimes even WHERE.

I started this as a post about graduation and it turned into…this. That’s just how my brain works when I’m writing, I suppose.

But, the point I was getting at, is that I haven’t had to do anything in front of crowds for a long time. I’ve never had what you call, “stage fright”, I’ve sang in front of people my whole life. I was in plays. But somehow the thought of not doing SOMETHING and people staring at me is horrible. I recently lost what could have been a very awesome job because of it. I was taking pictures at Comerica Park for the Detroit Tigers. I was doing fine until it was time to walk the stands, that hold 45k. The place wasn’t remotely full, but no matter where you sit, everyone can see you. Which meant that everywhere I walked, people could see me. I hate people looking at me. Maybe its due to insecurity, I have no idea. But I stood frozen for an hour at the top of the stands until I ended up a crying mess and I quit.

Here’s to hoping I get through it in one piece.