Tag Archives: friends

You are better than that.

I just came across this partial post from 2011 in my livejournal. This was the end of the post:




Dont let them treat you like crap! Dont let them walk over you! Dont let them talk you down, make you feel ugly, worthless! Realize that YOU are NOT someones second prize, some consolation prize that only a loser would get. 


We are NOT second rate. Fuck your IQ. Fuck your weight. Fuck your tit size. Fuck your income. Fuck your education. FUCK IT ALL. IN A SECOND ANY OF THAT COULD CHANGE.

SO YOURE BEAUTIFUL—until a fire ravages your face.
SO YOURE SMART–til you have a head trauma and have to learn how to tie your shoes again.
SO YOU HAVE GREAT TITS–til you have to have a mastectomy because you have cancer.
SO YOU HAVE MONEY–til you lose your job and youre fucking homeless.
SO YOUR THIN–Til you get a disease that makes you gain weight, til you have a child and you gain weight.





I want out…no I want back in…..

Like every introvert out there, we resemble cats. We want to go out and be social because we think we’re lonely after long intervals of recharge, but then we go out and immediately are in over stimulation and we want back in. With all this snow, I’m getting horrible cabin fever, but then I go out or socialize and I just want to be alone and home again. 

I think the biggest problem I have is just that I want to be “normal” and “have friends” and “do stuff”….and then I try to do said things and immediatly regret the decision. I start getting easily annoyed by everyone around me. I want to say things that should probably not be said. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

I think once the weather breaks itll be better. I can get out, alone, and drive. That’s when I’m best…alone with my thoughts and my music. Now if this goddamn snow could stop dumping all over Michigan, I’d be grateful. 

So you think you’ve got friends?

I once read an article that summed up “friends” wonderfully. I’m going to attempt to explain it here, and hope I don’t completely bastardize it. I also once read that the body can only understand 150 relationships. Since you meet new people all the time, you end up forgetting relationships prior.

Lets say you have 10 “Friends”.

5-Actual Acquaintances. You’re on each others facebook, you talk small talk if you run into them at the store, your kids are in the same class. They observe your life, but don’t truly care about it. Your failures and wins equal about the same to this person. They are on the fringe of your circle. This is about as “friend” as you get. It covers 50% of all your relationships.

3-Friends. You go hang out at the bar, watch movies, get together one-three times a month, you call and text, but not all that frequently. You have a superbowl party, and invite them. You might tell them some things, but not the real important stuff.  They cover about 25% of your relationships.

2-Close friends. Call and text frequently. Hang out more than other aquantainces/friends. You get a promotion, you call these people to help you celebrate. They will be the people who help you move, and that you call when upset/happy. These cover 20% of your relationships.

1-Best Friend. These are the people who you can call at 3am when something life threatening is going on. They will pick you up in the middle of the night when you had a bad day. They know all your secrets. They are invited to the most intimate parties. You see each other frequently, and keep in constant contact. They are the person you call when something happens. These take up 5% or less of your friends.

Now, I could do the math, but I’m not going to. If you can, at max, have 150 relationships, including family, friends, neighbors, co-workers, etc, most of your relationships are acquaintances. Your 650 friends on facebook? Do the math. 80% of people you know or meet, don’t really mean anything to you in the long run. And only 5% really matter.

So when you blow off actual friends for pseudo-friends, remember the math. See who matters. Or maybe one day you’ll be in that 80% that don’t matter.






Yes what I’m about to say is petty, and I really DGAF.

Although half of it deals with facebook, I’ll write it here because no one will bother to read it that I’m talking about. Note: only half is about facebook, before I go on. Somethings been bothering me about people for about three years and its two things, and they are stupid and petty, and that’s why its taken me three years to actually say something about it. But it’s built to a point and you know once the straw breaks, its done.

1. Facebook: Somehow I always read about these great adventures of friends where they tag who they were with. That’s not the problem. Kudos for them for living life. My problem (while stupid and petty, again, I already know this) is that whenever *me* and a person (and again, generalizing as this has happened with more people than I care to mention or count) do anything at all, nothing is ever said. I’m really beginning to feel like that person who people are friends with as long as their other friends don’t know. Like, it’s ok to be my friend, just don’t talk about it. This is happening more and more WITH more and more. I’m worried about even tagging people any more–what if one of their friends sees? (sarcasm). Don’t get me wrong. I almost never get out of the house. I almost never do anything with anyone, so obviously the times I do go out, I notice. I hear about stupid mundane days spent with other people….don’t I get to be stupid and mundane? (No, obviously just stupid and petty…) I’m just really sick and damn tired of never being mentioned. Ever. It’s like, objectifying my whole existence. I’m really beginning to feel like whats the point?

2. Not facebook: You ever been with a friend and they get a call? Of course. But lemme tell you how it plays out in my world:

  1. They answer the phone. Someone asks what theyre doing. They answer “nothing, you?” I’m apparently nothing. Thanks. Then, to add insult to injury, they stay on the phone. Well, thanks. You’re AWESOME company.
  2. You call them while they’re with a friend. You get “OH _____ IS HERE/ON THE OTHER LINE CAN I CALL YOU BACK?!” Yeah, that woulda been nice when you were with ME and THEY called but apparently thats only a one way street, got it.
  3. Person gets a text. They proceed to have lengthy conversation with person while hanging out with me.
  4. I text a person. It may or may not get answered next Tuesday.

Call it whatever you want. Hell, just reading it I can see how it sounds. But Jesus Fucking Christ I am SO fucking tired of being number 2, 3, 5, 17, 100 when I go above and beyond for people all the time. Not only am I not appreciated but jesus…. whatever, I got this out thats all that matters.

Another self discovery (Im just full of them recently)

While conversating on another post of mine, I’ve come to yet another self realization. Just call me Epiphany.

In a completely non sexual related manner, I have more issues.

I blame it on Chinese astrology:

I’m a dog.

Lets take this apart.

Dog people are honest, faithful and sincere. They respect tradition and value honor, and enjoy helping people. The Dog is very righteous, and always is the first to speak out against injustice. He is not good at socializing with friends, and rarely shines in company, but he is intelligent, caring and a good listener.

Honesty-what gets me in trouble. Faithful-Ridiculously so. Helping people-its what I do, even when I don’t want to. Injustice-I cant be around it. I am always fighting againt injustice. Lack of socialization-I am your token introvert. Intelligent-the only thing I pride myself on.

Loyal, faithful and honest, he has the most profound sense of duty. You can count on him and he’ll never let you down. And as a good listener, the Dog is also very reliable in keeping secrets for others. He simply doesn’t like to gossip.

Counting on me-I will not speak to you for years, and you call me in an emergency, and I will come to you. I know, its happened. Secret keeping-while most people know that I run at the mouth, Im keeping some major secrets for people. Even after years.

The Dog is an agreeable companion – when he is in a good mood. But when panic strikes, he can turn nasty, and bark till he is tired. He can be judgmental, defensive and picky if you rub him the wrong way, but as long as you know how to pet and massage him, the Dog makes absolutely the best and most honorable companion on earth.

Agreeable-here, I’m sure some of you are laughing. But there is many times I actually will agree just to end an arguement. Panic-that is what got me in trouble from 17-24: When I thought I was being left/uncared for I ran for the hills for replacements. I panic when there is a lack of stability. Judgemental and defensive: everyone swears I am judgemental, but I swear to you, I am not judging you. I AM opinionated on whatever topic, however. Defensive-I am constantly “justifying” myself, out of being defensive. I have to justify every mistake, every step. It has been brought to my attention many times.

Dogs are born old and get younger as they age. They take everything very serious. You may hear the Dog complains a lot about street lamps, about traffic, or about weather, but as he gets older, the less he takes his own criticisms seriously.

Ive been an old soul since I was born. Ask anyone who knew me as a child. I actually laughed out loud when I read the next part: get younger as they age. My husband literally said to me about a year ago “when you were 17, you were 90. When you were 30 you were 17.” Maybe in our rush to grow up, we miss enjoying being young. I know that was my problem. Now I am 31 going on 15 like some warped Benjamin Button.

The loyal Dog makes a splendid captain of industry, a priest, an educator, a critic, or a doctor. But whatever his career, it’ll have in him a spokesman whose ideals will be profound and often original.

Ive been told I’d make a good doctor, or teacher.

When the fear becomes reality, Dogs go a little crazy. The Dog enters a relationship where he is the giver and the partner is the taker. He is usually very generous and loyal, and in love, he is honest and straightforward. But he will have romantic problems all his life – it’s his own fault, really: he leads himself by his emotional in stability and his eternal anxiety. He is a worrier.

I literally just said “Oh my god” as I read this. Fear makes me make stupid, life altering mistakes. I have always been the giver, not the taker. There was a time I was a taker. I was young and stupid. As I got older, I am most definetely the giver. I give until I have nothing left, and usually, don’t get a whole lot in return. I am super generous. Loyal to an absolute fault. There are toxic relationships that if given the chance, I would probably go back to, because I don’t know any other way. In a relationship I am more than honest and straightforward. I will never lie to you, and I will be brutally honest…at the sake of anything good. So I will have romantic problems my whole life, eh? Awesome. It probably IS my own fault. Oh hell, who am I kidding, of COURSE its my fault! Worry is my middle name.

I don’t know how to give up. I just don’t. I can’t let go. Of anything, of anyone. I think of people I was friends with 20 years ago, and wonder where they are, what theyre doing, wonder why we’re no longer friends. It almost always ends with me as the issue. I think I’m a smotherer. I’m not real sure.

Everyone flinch here, I’m gonna quote LOST:

Christian Shephard: The most important part of your life was the time that you spent with these people on that island. That’s why all of you are here. Nobody does it alone, Jack. You needed all of them, and they needed you.

Jack Shephard: For what?

Christian Shephard: To remember. And to… let go.

It’s not enough not to lie

You know how people say “Oh, everyone lies!”

I don’t. As in, I refuse.

I’ve lost ALOT of people over this.

Don’t ask me if your ass looks big in that…if it does, I’ll tell you.

Some people have commended me on my honesty.

Others, ran screaming. (Can’t honestly say I blame them.)

There was a time…we’ll say…up til about…five years ago, that there were some people I would…not be entirely…upfront…with. Lie to them? Never. But I held a LOT of stuff back. Mostly out of fear. Mostly out of fear they’d not talk to me again. (If you’re curious how that turned out, lets just say I have alot less friends these past 5 years…) I’ve always, always, been an honest person. I’ve never stole. I tell on myself. If you ask me my honest opinion, you’re going to get it. (So if you don’t really want to know, don’t ask me, it’ll save us both alot of time and arguing!)

I’ve always been a person who believes in “treat others the way you’d like to be treated.” Some people would probably argue with that. They’d tell me how “I wouldn’t like being talked to like that,” or some other protest. But in all honesty, I would. My biggest problem is that people DON’T tell me the truth. They don’t ness. lie, but they don’t offer up the truth.

I’ve heard “I didn’t want to tell you…” more times than I care to count. It’s usually followed by “because I thought you’d judge me.” Let me stop there and explain something. I don’t judge people. It’s not for me to judge. However. I do…reply. And I could see how someone would possibly think that was a judgement. But it’s not. I promise you.

I’ve always been honest with my husband. Always. We have the most open relationship on the planet. He tells me when girls are cute. I tell him when I find people attractive. I tell him everything on my mind, even stuff most people would never dream of telling their significant other. Things that might be brutal to hear. But I believe it is owed to him.

Once, I went on a spree of finding everyone I ever wronged, and telling them I was sorry. Whether it was through a face to face, a phone call, a letter. I wanted to be honest with them about whatever had went on. There’s a person here or there I’d still like to do that with, but don’t think I ever will. I’ve as of late opened my self up TOO much perhaps. (Is there such a thing? I’m sure most would agree there is a limit…)

I know I’ve come across at times as judgemental. Tactless. Blunt. Rude.

Is it sad that I’d rather have people be the same to me… I’d rather be “slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie.” I don’t want you to kiss my ass when I’m around and talk shit about me to whoever will listen. I want you to be straight up with me. I am straight up with you.

Does this mean I’ve never “talked behind someones back?” Hell no. Of course I have… hell…I’m probably alot more guilty of it than most, to be honest! But when I’m doing that, it’s to prep for later, when I talk to the person about that very thing. I ususually write things when I want to talk. My words in person get jumbled up, there is no backspace key when youre in real time. I cry. Alot. I cry when people yell at me. I always have. I look like I’d rip your head off, but if you yell at me, I will cry.

I know there are consequences for my truth. I was told once by someone that I needed to “stop not saying things…” so I did. And now they won’t talk to me. I did what they wanted, and they’re gone. I know that sometimes when you call me to vent, and I take up for you on your side, it makes you hate me for being against the person you’re complaining about. But I can’t help it.

This all probably came to be written because this afternoon me and my husband had another one of our talks. And I had told him a few things that I… not KEPT from him, just things that any NORMAL person would keep to themselves. I feel guilty for that. I feel guilty when I think something that I know would hurt someone. I have to tell them so I can ask their forgiveness. I don’t know what hurts more…the fact I had to tell them something probably best left unsaid, or the fact that I have to deal with the aftermath of knowing regardless I hurt the person. At least if I had kept whatever to myself, they’d be oblivious, right? They wouldn’t hurt. So maybe its selfish of me to be so honest. I don’t know.

I hate that my mind goes 24 hours a day at lightening speed, thinking up things I don’t want to think about, that make me feel guilty, that make me feel like I have to tell people, that makes them angry with me. I hate that people hate ME because I’m honest. Because of the WAY I’m honest. I can’t help it. I wonder if there is a name for it? Does it run with my OCD? That I LITERALLY have to tell the truth…it is an obsession.

I wonder if one day my truth will make me end up alone.

Theres alot of things I’ve said that should have gotten me to that point. Really, there is. I’ve said/done some things that I wish I never had. (Much like anyone else.) But do I really have to tell on myself afterwards? Most people are smart enough to leave it locked up, with a key. Me? I put that shit on billboards and set them on fire.

Honestly, sometimes it sucks to be honest.

There should be a name for this feeling

Im not discontent. Im not unhappy. Im actually probably happier than I’ve been in awhile.

But Im….sad.

Sad at all the people I’ve lost in my life, and the reasoning behind it all. I dont mean, losing like, death. I mean, losing like, gave up on me.

Lord knows Ive probably earned some of it. Being mentally ill, you never know when youre going to pop off at the mouth and insult someone for the last time. But then part of me is just over here like, ‘but they KNOW I have this illness, and theyre still that willing to give up?’

Im not that kind of person, so it always suprises me when people are. I’ve always been into “treat people as you would like to be treated” and I couldn’t imagine holding something against someone that they may not know they did, or don’t remember doing or that they did while they had no control.

Im not saying people need to roll over and be doormats. Hell no. But what ever happened to people talking shit out? Nowadays, you just get kicked off facebook, and people don’t return your texts and calls. Its that easy now.

What makes people give up so easy?

Ive been ran over, picked up, turned over, ran over again, backed up over, drove circles on, set fire to, and still not given up on people. So how is it people so easily give up on me?

Ive put up with ALOT of shit in life. A LOT lot. Most I dont talk about. No point. Regardless as most people see me as this outspoken, blunt, tactless person (which, 90% of the time I am) there are people and situations I not only bite my tongue, but take alot more shit than I normally would. Out of fear. So when I started to NOT do that, people suddenly ran for the hills. They were allowed to say to me whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted, but I could not do the same.

It takes ALOT…hell…it could probably be IMPOSSIBLE…for me to never talk to you again. All it takes for me to “forgive” is for someone to own up to their actions. Thats it. That simple. “I fucked up.” is enough. I can’t even think of a time that is so unforgiveable I wouldn’t not talk to someone. I believe in talking things and situations out. I can see both sides of anything.

Im sad at the people that thought I wasnt worth the time, energy, or effort. That I put that into them, but never got it in return. Because of this, I dont hold alot of people dear anymore. I dont want to get invested. Whats the point? Pretty much everyone with the exception of a small few, have failed me. That have passed over me for better things, better people.

I hate writing things that are vague. This is all vague. I can’t go into specifics. Not because I think the people I’m talking about will ever see it. (I mean after all, theyre the ones who wrote me off, why WOULD they see this?) I dont know. Maybe I should reactivate a locked journal or something. I wish there was an app on my nook that I could just write on. Maybe there is and I havent found it yet. Maybe I should resort to paper and pen. (takin it old school…)

This was all rambly and didnt make a lot of sense, I know.

How Facebook brings (tears) us apart

Facebook honestly makes me feel like shit.

I hate it.

If it wasnt one of the only ways for me to be social id just deactivate it. My family all sucks and acts like theyre better than me. People get upset with me for me being me. People wanna kill your happiness coz theyre selfish pricks who want everyone else to feel as bad as them. No one actually is happy FOR anyone, its all just sugarcoated bullshit. Get a car? Post a picture! Get 12 likes, a handful of comments, and next week youre the watercooler topic! “OMG…did you SEE that car? I wonder what she paid for it? I thought they were broke?” No one gives two shits about your kids pictures, your animals pictures, what you do good in life. Got a new job, get a few likes. Post a picture of your salad for dinner, get twice as many.

We only post the good things to let everyone know how happyhappy our lives are so people can envy us, and those with the balls enough to be real on here, get shitslammed. Either were “attention seeking” or “unappreciative” or whatever you want to insert here. “You shouldn’t talk about ____ on the internet!” Well, why not? If I can post what Im having for dinner or that Im pregnant, why can’t I complain that my husband trashed my house or Im upset we are broke for the week? Why do I have to be all happyhappy all the time? Thats not REAL. Thats not LIFE.

I literally lost more than a few decades long friends over a fucking SOCIAL MEDIA SITE. Like, what the hell does that say for the 15+ years of friendship? If Id never gotten facebook would I still have those friends? Is that BETTER or WORSE? Better coz I had them, but worse because Id never know that how I REALLY think and feel makes them run screaming into the night? Does anyone remember the shitstorm that happened once you could “arrange” your top 8 on MySpace? Jesus!

I am a total mixed bag on social media any more. The only way people talk is thru this shit anymore. And you deactivate it? No one even TEXTS practically! And a PHONE CALL? Fucking UNHEARD of! It might “bring us together” but I think it drives us apart more than anything. I mean, you may be able to keep in contact with your cousin who moved to Japan a hell of a lot quicker and cheaper now, but what about your friend down the road? That you see maybe once a month, but chat it up on facebook/twitter/whatever? Gone are the days of phone calls. Of visits. Do you even know (without looking at your cell phone directory!) your best friends phone number? I don’t. I know phone numbers from third grade, but I couldn’t tell you a phone number off the top of my head other than my moms and my husbands, and the only reason I know my husbands is because it used to be my old phone number!

Start a business, ask some people for help in the “like” process. Can’t get them to hit like, but theyll hit like for TEENSWAGLYRICS.

People adding you just so they can stalk you. See if youre doing worse than them. Then if you are, they feel great about themselves. If youre doing better than them, however? Lets see what can be said to bring them down to my level! Why can’t anyone just be HAPPY for people anymore? Is it really THAT HARD?

1-4-13 Addiction

Recovery. Remission. “That thing that used to control me that I’m supposed to not talk about or think about anymore.” 

What I want to know from people who have “battled and “won”” addictions, have you really ever won? How does one successfully overcome true addiction? It’s always there. It never goes away. It always rears its head at the worst possible time. Those that are strong enough to not give in? How exactly does that happen? Was it true addiction to begin with? If you can talk away? If you can get “better”? 

I’m sure at that sentence I just pissed off all you “recoverists”. 

I just don’t get it. I mean. It’s addiction. It’s there. How do you not give in? And if you don’t give in today, tomorrow, this time, that time, next time, at SOME time you will. So I fight it off today. And maybe it goes away; for a week, a month, a year. But it always comes back. Sometimes it’s there, and in your face, and in your brain, and in your thoughts, and its THERE THERE THERE and what then? How strong can you really be, forever? 

Why alcoholics end up back on the bottle time and time again?

Why drug addicts go to rehab and then five years later end up ODing?

Why gambling addicts “get help” and end up homeless when they gamble away their home?

Why I’m sitting here starving because I have almost no food in the house, and all I can think is, “Good. There shouldn’t be food. So you feel sick now. You know after a few more hours it’ll go away. Who cares if you eat? Get a jumpstart on that shit. You used to not eat for days. Fucking sissy. How are you even hungry already? Like you need to eat anyway. Look at you. So you lost the weight, you got down. Then look, thyroid came back again and BOOM youre the fattest youve ever been! Congratulations! You deserve it really. I mean, this IS the highest number! Hell, lets make it higher! Fuck, just sit here, eat it all. After all, whats the point right? No, you remember this. Get it to the point where the sight of food is disgusting. The scent is horrendous. Get it to where you used to be. It’d save money, right? Less shit in this house.”

And the worst part is that one up there isn’t even honestly the problem I care about. 

Because, lets be honest: I’ll cave. Im too fucking fat at this point that if I dont eat Ill just cave. THAT addiction won’t win. It USED to win. For 15 years it won. Being addicted to being able to say no to food. The fatass in me just outshines that guy now.

No, the other one that is always in the back of my mind. That controlled me for so long, so many years. That never really was honestly a “threat” because I knew all the ways to not do it to really be a problem. Well, until they took away everything and I had to find new ways and things. Once that happend, well, it made it easier, for sure. A little more dangerous, but isnt that the point? I sat for almost an hour today just thinking of ways to do it. I could. I still am sitting here even after sitting and breathing and thinking. Because I thought about it so long that now, even afterwards, I still want to. I miss it sometimes. It was my friend. Just like the other guy that went away and left me this fat disgusting mess of a person. They left me, just like everyone else. Hell, you can’t count on anyone these days, can you?

So how is it you strong people just stop, walk away? Was it ever really there for you to begin with? I mean, hell…quitting is something I’m GREAT at, ask anyone! I quit everything! Yet, can’t seem to shake these. If a great quitter can’t quit…

Can’t quit….or don’t want to? Is that what it boils down to? Can’t over won’t? A mixture of both? It must be nice for those people. 

Guess I’ll never know. 

1-1-13 The Beginning

Alright so its now technically 1-2-13 but its still 1-1-13 somewhere on the planet so technically Im safe.

Im going to (and Ive said this before) attempt to actually do a “day by day” and now since the world hasnt ended and were back at day 1, guess there is no better time than now.

When I was twelve and first heard about the mayans, I thought, well Ill be 30 then, thats so far away. Well, its came and passed, and man it didnt really take that long to get here. Thats something Ive come to realize recently after becoming so entangled in social media. Why you ask? I have a tumblr among other sites, and I read all these “Teenage relatable” posts and you know what boys and girls? There is no difference in my 30 year old brain as there was when I was 13. Sure, now I’m a grown adult and I pay bills, own my home, and have been married for what seems like ever (in Hollywood we’d be a golden couple by now.) but everything I read is still true to this day.

1. Music and how it relates to life. Hell, this may be even MORE relatable at 30 than at 13. We’ve had more life at this point. There are days I just sit and listen to songs on repeat for hours. (Currently song of choice is Those Nights-Skillet.) Which is ironic due to the fact Im a rather huge fan of this christian rock band while being a pagan.

2. Friends and how they work. It never changes. As the song High School Never Ends-Bowling For Soup very correctly states, it just changes in the way of the world. Theres still the drama and the bullshit, the backstabbing and jealousy, except this time its over how much your yearly salary is or what car you drive instead of your ipad.

3. Celebrity stalking and being a fangirl. Yes, its true, we are still the same girls we were at 13, we just hold it a little better inside than we did then. We may not put posters on our walls, but our pinterests may be covered with our favorite actor, singer, or show.

4. When we tell our children “we’ve been there” we REALLY have. We don’t just tell you that to make you feel better or to make you feel like you arent important. We have been there, done that, and wished we never did. We all had that broken heart, that backstabbing bitch of a best friend, had the rumors spread about us, hated our bodies, felt stupid. But we’re still here. And you will be too.

5. We still have dreams and wonder what we’ll be “when we grow up”. A lot of people are in a job they hate wishing they could be a doctor or a singer or president. Some of us will do it. Some of us can only dream about it. We can only tell you, that life never goes as planned, always have a plan B, and to roll with it. Sometimes life has plans for us that we never even knew.

The year 2012 and the years leading to it have been crazy. A part of me always really did believe the world would end (in what context, I never really did know) whether the power would go out due to a solar flare, some aliens came, a God returned, or the zombie apocolypse occured. I lived a lot of my life wondering, “what’s the point in doing anything important? What is life after 2012?” Well, here we are, and its after 2012. So whats the point?

The point is to live, and live to the fullest. Don’t spend your lives in fear, insecurity, and self loathing. You have one life. Make it count.