You know how people say “Oh, everyone lies!”
I don’t. As in, I refuse.
I’ve lost ALOT of people over this.
Don’t ask me if your ass looks big in that…if it does, I’ll tell you.
Some people have commended me on my honesty.
Others, ran screaming. (Can’t honestly say I blame them.)
There was a time…we’ll say…up til about…five years ago, that there were some people I would…not be entirely…upfront…with. Lie to them? Never. But I held a LOT of stuff back. Mostly out of fear. Mostly out of fear they’d not talk to me again. (If you’re curious how that turned out, lets just say I have alot less friends these past 5 years…) I’ve always, always, been an honest person. I’ve never stole. I tell on myself. If you ask me my honest opinion, you’re going to get it. (So if you don’t really want to know, don’t ask me, it’ll save us both alot of time and arguing!)
I’ve always been a person who believes in “treat others the way you’d like to be treated.” Some people would probably argue with that. They’d tell me how “I wouldn’t like being talked to like that,” or some other protest. But in all honesty, I would. My biggest problem is that people DON’T tell me the truth. They don’t ness. lie, but they don’t offer up the truth.
I’ve heard “I didn’t want to tell you…” more times than I care to count. It’s usually followed by “because I thought you’d judge me.” Let me stop there and explain something. I don’t judge people. It’s not for me to judge. However. I do…reply. And I could see how someone would possibly think that was a judgement. But it’s not. I promise you.
I’ve always been honest with my husband. Always. We have the most open relationship on the planet. He tells me when girls are cute. I tell him when I find people attractive. I tell him everything on my mind, even stuff most people would never dream of telling their significant other. Things that might be brutal to hear. But I believe it is owed to him.
Once, I went on a spree of finding everyone I ever wronged, and telling them I was sorry. Whether it was through a face to face, a phone call, a letter. I wanted to be honest with them about whatever had went on. There’s a person here or there I’d still like to do that with, but don’t think I ever will. I’ve as of late opened my self up TOO much perhaps. (Is there such a thing? I’m sure most would agree there is a limit…)
I know I’ve come across at times as judgemental. Tactless. Blunt. Rude.
Is it sad that I’d rather have people be the same to me… I’d rather be “slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie.” I don’t want you to kiss my ass when I’m around and talk shit about me to whoever will listen. I want you to be straight up with me. I am straight up with you.
Does this mean I’ve never “talked behind someones back?” Hell no. Of course I have… hell…I’m probably alot more guilty of it than most, to be honest! But when I’m doing that, it’s to prep for later, when I talk to the person about that very thing. I ususually write things when I want to talk. My words in person get jumbled up, there is no backspace key when youre in real time. I cry. Alot. I cry when people yell at me. I always have. I look like I’d rip your head off, but if you yell at me, I will cry.
I know there are consequences for my truth. I was told once by someone that I needed to “stop not saying things…” so I did. And now they won’t talk to me. I did what they wanted, and they’re gone. I know that sometimes when you call me to vent, and I take up for you on your side, it makes you hate me for being against the person you’re complaining about. But I can’t help it.
This all probably came to be written because this afternoon me and my husband had another one of our talks. And I had told him a few things that I… not KEPT from him, just things that any NORMAL person would keep to themselves. I feel guilty for that. I feel guilty when I think something that I know would hurt someone. I have to tell them so I can ask their forgiveness. I don’t know what hurts more…the fact I had to tell them something probably best left unsaid, or the fact that I have to deal with the aftermath of knowing regardless I hurt the person. At least if I had kept whatever to myself, they’d be oblivious, right? They wouldn’t hurt. So maybe its selfish of me to be so honest. I don’t know.
I hate that my mind goes 24 hours a day at lightening speed, thinking up things I don’t want to think about, that make me feel guilty, that make me feel like I have to tell people, that makes them angry with me. I hate that people hate ME because I’m honest. Because of the WAY I’m honest. I can’t help it. I wonder if there is a name for it? Does it run with my OCD? That I LITERALLY have to tell the truth…it is an obsession.
I wonder if one day my truth will make me end up alone.
Theres alot of things I’ve said that should have gotten me to that point. Really, there is. I’ve said/done some things that I wish I never had. (Much like anyone else.) But do I really have to tell on myself afterwards? Most people are smart enough to leave it locked up, with a key. Me? I put that shit on billboards and set them on fire.
Honestly, sometimes it sucks to be honest.