Tag Archives: death

What kind of death will you have today?

Im seeing alot of posts about grandparents and how old they would have been, and Shirley Temple died. My grandmother was born her same year (1928) which means, had she been alive, she’d be 86 in April. But she died in 1960, in her early 30’s. She was in a fatal car wreck. It wasn’t pretty. The drivers face came off from the steering column. One was ejected, and she had the motor land on her. She was barely older than me now.

My mom got in a near fatal car accident when she was almost my age. She had been in two real bad ones, but this one happened at 32. Her head was stuck in the steering column. The other wreck was I think the year after or before I can’t remember.

Are you catching the trend here?

Im scared to death to be in a car from now until 34. For the next two years I have to worry about whether 3 times a charm. One was driving, one was passenger. Every time I get into my car, I think about how this might “be it”. I know, superstitious you say.

My family don’t usually die of “normal” causes. I have murder, car crashes, a trapeze hanging, choked on popcorn, and alcohol poisoning, to name some.

Cars make me nervous to begin with. But to know that my grandmother I never met died literally around my age now, when I was little it didn’t seem like a big deal. She was old then. Well, I’m that age now, and I sure as shit don’t feel old. I feel 15. And I’ve really always hated being a passenger–you have no control. And we all know what a control freak I am. At least if Im the driver I had a chance to change whatever could happen.

Here’s to the next 2 years.

I am so fucking ANGRY and no one I can talk to

Considering I have a whopping two friends and I just left one of theirs house so they can sleep, I dont really have anyone to talk to and Im NOT in a very good mindset right now. Im seriously just about done with life and I dont know what the hell can fix this right now.

All this shit is just getting to be too much. The house is so fucking gross I cant even handle it. Were broke. BEYOND broke. I owe doctors, the dog had to skip a vet visit, we have no food, my one tire BLEW UP and the other is leaking, my husband talks to me like SHIT on a daily basis, all day long. I cant even call him because by the end of the phone call hes SCREAMING at me for god knows what this time. The only people I even talk to are my mother, his mother, my sister in law, one friend, and my husband. My husband yells at me and talks to me like Im shit and has taking to in the past few days telling me how useless I am. My mom…well our relationship is strange and talking to her half the time makes things worse. I feel like everyones second (or worse) choice. I feel like everyone just thinks that because I dont work that I obviously dont have a life and I just should drop shit and do whatever they need/want because its good for them. I have NO energy. None. And while my husband seems to think that throwing my shitty sleep schedule in my face is the answer, I cant HELP my sleep schedule! Fibro makes you tired. Stupid sleep schedules make you tired. Depression makes you tired. Being fat makes you tired. Being out of shape makes you tired. Ive been bleeding for almost a straight month. I just CANT DO IT. ANY OF IT. All I want is some HELP. I dont need people to “do it all for me” or whatever the consesus is this week. I JUST WANT SOME FUCKING HELP. NO ONE FUCKING UNDERSTANDS. Im just so worn out. The stupidest shit is impossible. And I feel bad because of it. I already feel useless. I already feel like a waste of fucking space and that there is no point in my existance. But to be told it on a daily basis, THAT REALLY HELPS!

My sense of smell is ridiculous. I can smell stuff no one can. And all I can smell right now is dog pee. Because the bathroom needs to be mopped. But my OCD is so fucking bad I cant mop it. Its getting to an untolerable point. I cant touch almost anything any more. Im scared to eat almost anything because I think Im going to get sick. And everything in here that needs to be done is stuff I cant fucking DO. IM SORRY IM SUCH A FAILURE. IM SORRY I CANT WORK. IM SORRY THAT IM USELESS. IM SORRY ABOUT EVERYTHING. I hate myself ENOUGH. Do you REALLY have to make me hate myself even more??? I dont think I CAN!

Ever since the scare with the breast cancer issue, I feel horrible for even THINKING about the fact I dont want to be here any more. To be so careless with the life Ive been given. But its just TOO MUCH. I dont want to…die. I just dont want to live. I dont want to….be here anymore. I just want to…. I dont even know. Right now all I want to do is just cut and cut and cut until I hit something. Bleed my fucking life all over the floor. But then my OCD would kick in and I cant clean it up. Theres nothing I want to do more right now. I cant drink it away, alcohol does nothing for me. I dont need drugs or pills or anything to not feel. I want to feel I want to feel what a fucking failure I am and what a fucking fuck up I am and I just want to claw and tear and just bleed all over. Im sitting here typing this just so I dont get up and do it. But I cant even do that right. The last times Ive done it Ive been ridiculed and called names and been put down and told I was stupid and everything else, screamed at me and called me names and laughed at me and told me they would commit me because Im a stupid child. Physically did things in the name of what I dont even know. This is the “help” I get. This is the “support” I get. If you know someone who self harms let me tell you from someone who has been there, telling them how stupid and worthless they are while they are doing it and threatening them and laughing at them isnt going to make them stop. Its going to make the situation ten times worse. Its going to make them realize that that person(s) think THE VERY SAME THING THEY ALREADY THINK and its going to REINFORCE that we are USELESS AND POINTLESS AND WHY DONT WE JUST FUCKING DIE ALREADY ANYWAY????

What kind of life is it to not want to live, not want to die. I just want to go somewhere far far far fucking away and just be left alone. I dont need people. I dont need shit. All Ive ever been is a fucking burden. First I was a burden on my mom who had to raise me alone. Then I was a burden on my father who had to pay child support. Now Im  a burdern on my husband who has to “DO EVERYTHING” because he JUST DOESNT UNDERSTAND and it doesnt help when there is other people making close minded comments to him making it “ok” to make me feel the way I feel. Thats all Ive ever been, its all Ill ever be. I came into this life a burden, and fuck, Ill leave it that way too. Ill be some body that they have to pay to get rid of, and then theyll have to come up with a way to pay off all my debts as well. Well, if I was to have a tombstone, which I wont because theyre too expensive, it would say HERE LIES THE BURDEN. ITS FINALLY LIFTED. REJOICE.

“In this life, there are more questions than answers”-Nana Mary

Im watching my dvd of season 9 of roseanne. While everyone in the world wanted to grow up and have a Full House or Cosby life, I always wanted to have roseannes. Dan Conner seemed to be the best husband ever. I was alot like Darlene growing up, but ended up having a marriage like Dan and Roseannes.

Ive literally saw every episode probably a hundred times. Between the dvds, and the fact they ran it on syndication for about 5 years on nick where Id watch it every night. I remember when it was on live when I was a kid, and people (ok 12 year olds who didnt have a clue) saw the finale, they said it was so stupid and pointless and the whole season 9 was stupid. I didnt see it forever. But call it my wonderful tendency to empathize with fictional characters, but it wasn’t stupid at all to me.

Once I ended up with my husband, a housewife who depended on her husband, and we’ve now been together 14 years, it wasn’t stupid or silly at all. I see it as the coping mechanism of someone who was lost, and had to live in a fantasy world in order to cope with the reality that her whole life was dependant on someone for more than half her life. Losing someone like that and moving on? I don’t think people realize that. Not today, in the 72 hour marriage society. Spending most of your life with one person is not something people do anymore. People (especially the 12 year olds who didnt understand life at the time) just aren’t capable of getting it. That she found it easier to make a reality where he left by cheating due to her anger of being left then to deal with the reality of his death.

The final scenes of the finale are only truly felt by someone who could understand, and no matter how many times I’ve seen it, I will forever cry through it.

“”If what doesn’t kill us is making us stronger, We’re gonna last longer
Like the Great Wall of China, Or that rabbit with the drum
If there’s one thing that I learned, While waiting for my turn
Is that in each life some rain falls, But you also get some sun.
And we’ll make out better than okay, Hear what I say
Yeah, any day.”

 

3-24-13 Another death

Today I lost another pet. 4th one in a year. Im not talking like, fish deaths either.

Today was my ferret, Jackson. A few months ago, his ‘sister’ Kate died. Sawyer is left now. My leopard geckos Echidnea (8 years old) and Ziggy (fairly newish) as well. My cat just had her 11th birthday and has dwindled away from the cancer diagnosis she got last birthday, and no doubt is somewhat soon to follow since she is getting ridiculously skinny.

Sawyer, Jack, and Kate
Sawyer, Jack, and Kate

Kate is the albino one, Jack is the smaller of the brown ones.

Echidnea the leopard gecko
Echidnea the leopard gecko

This was Echidnea. I have no picture of Ziggy.

RIP little ones.

1-8-13 When will it be One Day Too Late?

Every day we are on this planet, we say “I’ll do it tomorrow.” “It can wait until this weekend.” “It’ll get done eventually.” We put off talking to people we should check up on. We put off mending failing and failed relationships. We always have this thought that tomorrow is guaranteed. That the sun will rise, and ourselves with it. But what would happen in those seconds before your life was taken away?

Tick tock hear the clock countdown
Wish the minute hand could be rewound
So much to do and so much I need to say
Will tomorrow be too late

Feel the moment slip into the past
Like sand through an hourglass
In the madness I guess I just forget
To do all the things I said

[Pre]
Time passes by
Never thought I’d wind up
One step behind
Now I’ve made my mind up

[Chorus]
Today I’m gonna try a little harder
Gonna make every minute last longer
Gonna learn to forgive and forget
‘Cause we don’t have long, gonna make the most of it

Today I’m gonna love my enemies
Reach out to somebody who needs me
Make a change, make the world a better place
‘Cause tomorrow could be one day too late
One day too late
One day too late

[V2]
Tick tock hear my life pass by
I can’t erase and I can’t rewind
Of all the things I regret the most I do…
Wish I’d spent more time with you

Here’s my chance for a new beginning
I saved the best for a better ending
And in the end I’ll make it up to you, you’ll see
You’ll get the very best of me

[Bridge]
Your time is running out
You’re never gonna get it back
Make the most of every moment
Stop saving the best for last