Tag Archives: alone

I want out…no I want back in…..

Like every introvert out there, we resemble cats. We want to go out and be social because we think we’re lonely after long intervals of recharge, but then we go out and immediately are in over stimulation and we want back in. With all this snow, I’m getting horrible cabin fever, but then I go out or socialize and I just want to be alone and home again. 

I think the biggest problem I have is just that I want to be “normal” and “have friends” and “do stuff”….and then I try to do said things and immediatly regret the decision. I start getting easily annoyed by everyone around me. I want to say things that should probably not be said. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

I think once the weather breaks itll be better. I can get out, alone, and drive. That’s when I’m best…alone with my thoughts and my music. Now if this goddamn snow could stop dumping all over Michigan, I’d be grateful. 

So you think you’ve got friends?

I once read an article that summed up “friends” wonderfully. I’m going to attempt to explain it here, and hope I don’t completely bastardize it. I also once read that the body can only understand 150 relationships. Since you meet new people all the time, you end up forgetting relationships prior.

Lets say you have 10 “Friends”.

5-Actual Acquaintances. You’re on each others facebook, you talk small talk if you run into them at the store, your kids are in the same class. They observe your life, but don’t truly care about it. Your failures and wins equal about the same to this person. They are on the fringe of your circle. This is about as “friend” as you get. It covers 50% of all your relationships.

3-Friends. You go hang out at the bar, watch movies, get together one-three times a month, you call and text, but not all that frequently. You have a superbowl party, and invite them. You might tell them some things, but not the real important stuff.  They cover about 25% of your relationships.

2-Close friends. Call and text frequently. Hang out more than other aquantainces/friends. You get a promotion, you call these people to help you celebrate. They will be the people who help you move, and that you call when upset/happy. These cover 20% of your relationships.

1-Best Friend. These are the people who you can call at 3am when something life threatening is going on. They will pick you up in the middle of the night when you had a bad day. They know all your secrets. They are invited to the most intimate parties. You see each other frequently, and keep in constant contact. They are the person you call when something happens. These take up 5% or less of your friends.

Now, I could do the math, but I’m not going to. If you can, at max, have 150 relationships, including family, friends, neighbors, co-workers, etc, most of your relationships are acquaintances. Your 650 friends on facebook? Do the math. 80% of people you know or meet, don’t really mean anything to you in the long run. And only 5% really matter.

So when you blow off actual friends for pseudo-friends, remember the math. See who matters. Or maybe one day you’ll be in that 80% that don’t matter.

http://www.theguardian.com/technology/2010/mar/14/my-bright-idea-robin-dunbar

http://lifeisalesson2belearned.blogspot.com/2012/02/acquaintance-vs-friend.html

http://voices.yahoo.com/how-tell-difference-between-friends-acquaintances-481467.html

http://www.differencebetween.net/language/difference-between-acquaintance-and-friend/

 

I know I should be grateful

I don’t know whats wrong with me lately. I really don’t like being alone suddenly. But I don’t want to be with people either. All this leaves me as a crying mess unable to explain what the hell is wrong with me. My husband used to go out for WEEKS at a time. I just heard hes going to have to go overnight tomorrow and Thursday when normally its only Thursday and I blew up. I don’t know its just … lonely with just sitting here looking at my pets all day. He told me to take him to work so I could have the car tomorrow but who the hell wants to get up at 3am, drive him to work at 4am? Obviously Im going to have to if I want a car, but my luck the damned snow storm will come and then how the hell am I going to get to him? Slowly, I guess. I’m glad my husband has a job, and a well paying one, but sometimes I’d just rather have him home than have the money.

Last night I was laying in my bed and thought up a few posts to write about and you think I can remember a damn one of them now? Not a one. They were even semi interesting.  I wish I could write about some topics, but I wouldn’t on such a public forum. Id go back to my livejournal for that. Maybe I should do that some times…to write about the stuff I can’t write here, just kick all the spectators off of it first. Who knows.

As for my diet, I’ve been sticking to it mostly. I’m at least sticking to the 1500 and under rule. I saw progress the first days but now I’m leveling out. I know its a long journey and its barely been two weeks, but Im already getting jaded. I have no patience. Makes it quite hard sometimes.

Miscalculation on med change.

When I decided to get off 150 Zoloft and change my 50 Elavil to 100, apparently I didn’t realize that I’m losing meds in that change. I went from 50+150=200 to 100. And I realize that all meds are a different number and maybe 100 Elavil IS equal to 150 and 50…I have no idea, chemistry was something I never into. All I know is its been two days since I’ve had any zoloft and I’m on the edge of tears for no reason. Numerous times. I’m thinking horrible thoughts from my OCD. I’d probably benefit from a klonopin but I hate having to take them even though they’re prescribed for at least 1-3 times every day I only use them about 1 time a month.

I go back into the psychiatrist and I’ll ask him when I go in if they’re “equal” or even remotely close. Due to how I feel, I’m guessing probably not. Thats three weeks from now, so I guess if it escalates Ill have my answer ahead of time.

I just keep thinking about death and what happens after death and panic from thinking about death. I think about sickness and how I dont want to leave my house because Im scared of getting sick, while having cabin fever in a huge way because of all this goddamn snow. My husbands been taking the car and leaving me here alone. I’ve been in a house with dogs for all these snowy weeks, sometimes hes home sometimes hes not. Ive barely saw anyone in these few weeks, today I saw more people than all of the time combined. Everything is back to making me cry at the drop of a hat. Or for no reason at all.

Im bored without being bored. I have nothing to do. Some people make the comment about how theyd “love” to be on disability and “do nothing” all day. No. It sucks. It’s sucked for the last 12 years I’ve been on it. You see no one, you do nothing. We just recently cancelled cable because it was something we didnt really use, but then after we cancelled it I realized I did watch it more than I originally thought. I still have netflix and hulu plus, which keep me occupied, at least. We have the internet still. I stopped playing WoW to save money…and now I want to get it back, but we’re saving for a vacation this summer so I feel guilty. I have art projects, or video projects I could be doing but at the same time I’m too tired to do them. Nothing makes sense. I want to do something but then Im tired to do it. Anyway…

Yes what I’m about to say is petty, and I really DGAF.

Although half of it deals with facebook, I’ll write it here because no one will bother to read it that I’m talking about. Note: only half is about facebook, before I go on. Somethings been bothering me about people for about three years and its two things, and they are stupid and petty, and that’s why its taken me three years to actually say something about it. But it’s built to a point and you know once the straw breaks, its done.

1. Facebook: Somehow I always read about these great adventures of friends where they tag who they were with. That’s not the problem. Kudos for them for living life. My problem (while stupid and petty, again, I already know this) is that whenever *me* and a person (and again, generalizing as this has happened with more people than I care to mention or count) do anything at all, nothing is ever said. I’m really beginning to feel like that person who people are friends with as long as their other friends don’t know. Like, it’s ok to be my friend, just don’t talk about it. This is happening more and more WITH more and more. I’m worried about even tagging people any more–what if one of their friends sees? (sarcasm). Don’t get me wrong. I almost never get out of the house. I almost never do anything with anyone, so obviously the times I do go out, I notice. I hear about stupid mundane days spent with other people….don’t I get to be stupid and mundane? (No, obviously just stupid and petty…) I’m just really sick and damn tired of never being mentioned. Ever. It’s like, objectifying my whole existence. I’m really beginning to feel like whats the point?

2. Not facebook: You ever been with a friend and they get a call? Of course. But lemme tell you how it plays out in my world:

  1. They answer the phone. Someone asks what theyre doing. They answer “nothing, you?” I’m apparently nothing. Thanks. Then, to add insult to injury, they stay on the phone. Well, thanks. You’re AWESOME company.
  2. You call them while they’re with a friend. You get “OH _____ IS HERE/ON THE OTHER LINE CAN I CALL YOU BACK?!” Yeah, that woulda been nice when you were with ME and THEY called but apparently thats only a one way street, got it.
  3. Person gets a text. They proceed to have lengthy conversation with person while hanging out with me.
  4. I text a person. It may or may not get answered next Tuesday.

Call it whatever you want. Hell, just reading it I can see how it sounds. But Jesus Fucking Christ I am SO fucking tired of being number 2, 3, 5, 17, 100 when I go above and beyond for people all the time. Not only am I not appreciated but jesus…. whatever, I got this out thats all that matters.

I’m Still Here

This song is very fitting to my life usually, but more so recently. I added this version because I took the time to make it almost 2 years ago. I was going to just put a lyric video, but I’m putting the lyrics after the video anyway. In case anyone don’t know the video, it’s from LOST.

I am a question to the world,
Not an answer to be heard
Or a moment that’s held in your arms.
And what do you think you’d ever say?
I won’t listen anyway…
You don’t know me,
And I’ll never be what you want me to be.

And what do you think you’d understand?
I’m a boy, no, I’m a man..
You can’t take me and throw me away.
And how can you learn what’s never shown?
Yeah, you stand here on your own.
They don’t know me ’cause I’m not here.

And I want a moment to be real,
Wanna touch things I don’t feel,
Wanna hold on and feel I belong.
And how can the world want me to change?
They’re the ones that stay the same.
They don’t know me,
‘Cause I’m not here.

And you see the things they never see
All you wanted, I could be
Now you know me, and I’m not afraid
And I wanna tell you who I am
Can you help me be a man?
They can’t break me
As long as I know who I am

And I want a moment to be real,
Wanna touch things I don’t feel,
Wanna hold on and feel I belong.
And how can the world want me to change?
They’re the ones that stay the same.
They can’t see me,
But I’m still here.

They can’t tell me who to be,
‘Cause I’m not what they see.
Yeah, the world is still sleepin’,
While I keep on dreamin’ for me.
And their words are just whispers
And lies that I’ll never believe.

And I want a moment to be real,
Wanna touch things I don’t feel,
Wanna hold on and feel I belong.
And how can they say I never change?
They’re the ones that stay the same.
I’m the one now,
‘Cause I’m still here.

I’m the one,
‘Cause I’m still here.

-Goo Goo Dolls “I’m Still Here”

July was a very, very bad month.

I was just reading backwards on this site, and July–I wonder how I lived through it. I want to put on the record what has happened between that mindset, and now.

Soon after the tirading posts about being worthless and a burden, I started “seeing” things. They weren’t “there” but I knew they were there. I saw them in my mind. My house was being overrun by these weird demon people. I spent nights up with insence trying to rid my house of these problems. I went to my psychiatrist, at this point, I had not been on ANY medication for almost 2 months. Since I have been diagnosed I have never, ever, not been on AT LEAST an antidepressant. The past 14 years, I have ALWAYS been medicated.

At the point, I literally stopped taking EVERYTHING for two months. When my mom or husband asked me if I took my medicine, I just kinda mumbled and nodded or changed the subject. I didn’t want to lie and say I took it, so when I was pressed, I would just say “I’ve missed a few doses, I’m going to be more careful”, and it would be dropped after more conversation.  I was tired of relying on pills to make me “normal”. Its degrading and I was so sick of it.

I went into a depression psychosis. I went into my doctor, and had an absolute melt down in the office. I was told I was going to have to have an in home visiting nurse to monitor me. I was going to have to go back on anti psychotics, and possible other pills that we would add gradually. I had never had a depressive episode in summer. Summer was the time for mania. For spending and speeding, and whatever else I could get my hands into. Maybe it was our lack of funds, my inability to spend or speed, that did it. There was alot of stress, building stress from a few years ago. It was coming to a head and I couldn’t deal anymore.

My hormones at that point were a complete disaster. I was tested (again, the first time at 23!) to see if I was going through menopause. I was not. I was put on pills to fix the issue, between hormone issues, and psychiatric issues, and stress issues, they really wanted me medicated. And I had not been any kind of medicated for 2 months.

Getting back in the swing of taking pills was easier, only due to the birth control that you have to take or it fucks up. That honestly (due to my fear of puking) is the only reason I have managed to take my pills, every day, since I was put back on them. (Last time I was on birth control, I missed one, in 2002, and doubled up, and spent the next day puking my guts out.) The demons are gone, (though every now and then I think they might check up on me) stress is somewhat lifted. I still feel like I’m being watched and there are people around me I can’t see, but I’ve always felt that way. Me and my husband chose to take care of some things in life that were really bothering us. Maybe one day I’ll talk about it. Today is not that day. Stress has gone down alot. We are getting along alot better. Life is looking up.

For a month, I had to go to my moms on Mondays, to avoid him on his day to go back to work. We would get in horrible arguments where he would (for the third/fourth time) mention divorce, during these days. I couldn’t handle the stress and pain this was causing so I would sleep at my moms on Mondays for about 4-6 weeks. With one tiny minor slip up, I have been able to return home on Mondays. We get along so much better its almost scary. We don’t fight alot any more. We’re even  more honest than we were before. I’m not as folded into myself. For a long time, I just wanted to be left alone. In every way possible. My depression had just bottomed out. I have never went into psychosis from depression. That was a huge wake up call to me. I knew I needed medication. I have stayed on it, and feel better. I just worry for the day my brain rationalizes that “Im better” and I dont need it anymore. God help me when that happens.

There should be a name for this feeling

Im not discontent. Im not unhappy. Im actually probably happier than I’ve been in awhile.

But Im….sad.

Sad at all the people I’ve lost in my life, and the reasoning behind it all. I dont mean, losing like, death. I mean, losing like, gave up on me.

Lord knows Ive probably earned some of it. Being mentally ill, you never know when youre going to pop off at the mouth and insult someone for the last time. But then part of me is just over here like, ‘but they KNOW I have this illness, and theyre still that willing to give up?’

Im not that kind of person, so it always suprises me when people are. I’ve always been into “treat people as you would like to be treated” and I couldn’t imagine holding something against someone that they may not know they did, or don’t remember doing or that they did while they had no control.

Im not saying people need to roll over and be doormats. Hell no. But what ever happened to people talking shit out? Nowadays, you just get kicked off facebook, and people don’t return your texts and calls. Its that easy now.

What makes people give up so easy?

Ive been ran over, picked up, turned over, ran over again, backed up over, drove circles on, set fire to, and still not given up on people. So how is it people so easily give up on me?

Ive put up with ALOT of shit in life. A LOT lot. Most I dont talk about. No point. Regardless as most people see me as this outspoken, blunt, tactless person (which, 90% of the time I am) there are people and situations I not only bite my tongue, but take alot more shit than I normally would. Out of fear. So when I started to NOT do that, people suddenly ran for the hills. They were allowed to say to me whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted, but I could not do the same.

It takes ALOT…hell…it could probably be IMPOSSIBLE…for me to never talk to you again. All it takes for me to “forgive” is for someone to own up to their actions. Thats it. That simple. “I fucked up.” is enough. I can’t even think of a time that is so unforgiveable I wouldn’t not talk to someone. I believe in talking things and situations out. I can see both sides of anything.

Im sad at the people that thought I wasnt worth the time, energy, or effort. That I put that into them, but never got it in return. Because of this, I dont hold alot of people dear anymore. I dont want to get invested. Whats the point? Pretty much everyone with the exception of a small few, have failed me. That have passed over me for better things, better people.

I hate writing things that are vague. This is all vague. I can’t go into specifics. Not because I think the people I’m talking about will ever see it. (I mean after all, theyre the ones who wrote me off, why WOULD they see this?) I dont know. Maybe I should reactivate a locked journal or something. I wish there was an app on my nook that I could just write on. Maybe there is and I havent found it yet. Maybe I should resort to paper and pen. (takin it old school…)

This was all rambly and didnt make a lot of sense, I know.

I am so fucking ANGRY and no one I can talk to

Considering I have a whopping two friends and I just left one of theirs house so they can sleep, I dont really have anyone to talk to and Im NOT in a very good mindset right now. Im seriously just about done with life and I dont know what the hell can fix this right now.

All this shit is just getting to be too much. The house is so fucking gross I cant even handle it. Were broke. BEYOND broke. I owe doctors, the dog had to skip a vet visit, we have no food, my one tire BLEW UP and the other is leaking, my husband talks to me like SHIT on a daily basis, all day long. I cant even call him because by the end of the phone call hes SCREAMING at me for god knows what this time. The only people I even talk to are my mother, his mother, my sister in law, one friend, and my husband. My husband yells at me and talks to me like Im shit and has taking to in the past few days telling me how useless I am. My mom…well our relationship is strange and talking to her half the time makes things worse. I feel like everyones second (or worse) choice. I feel like everyone just thinks that because I dont work that I obviously dont have a life and I just should drop shit and do whatever they need/want because its good for them. I have NO energy. None. And while my husband seems to think that throwing my shitty sleep schedule in my face is the answer, I cant HELP my sleep schedule! Fibro makes you tired. Stupid sleep schedules make you tired. Depression makes you tired. Being fat makes you tired. Being out of shape makes you tired. Ive been bleeding for almost a straight month. I just CANT DO IT. ANY OF IT. All I want is some HELP. I dont need people to “do it all for me” or whatever the consesus is this week. I JUST WANT SOME FUCKING HELP. NO ONE FUCKING UNDERSTANDS. Im just so worn out. The stupidest shit is impossible. And I feel bad because of it. I already feel useless. I already feel like a waste of fucking space and that there is no point in my existance. But to be told it on a daily basis, THAT REALLY HELPS!

My sense of smell is ridiculous. I can smell stuff no one can. And all I can smell right now is dog pee. Because the bathroom needs to be mopped. But my OCD is so fucking bad I cant mop it. Its getting to an untolerable point. I cant touch almost anything any more. Im scared to eat almost anything because I think Im going to get sick. And everything in here that needs to be done is stuff I cant fucking DO. IM SORRY IM SUCH A FAILURE. IM SORRY I CANT WORK. IM SORRY THAT IM USELESS. IM SORRY ABOUT EVERYTHING. I hate myself ENOUGH. Do you REALLY have to make me hate myself even more??? I dont think I CAN!

Ever since the scare with the breast cancer issue, I feel horrible for even THINKING about the fact I dont want to be here any more. To be so careless with the life Ive been given. But its just TOO MUCH. I dont want to…die. I just dont want to live. I dont want to….be here anymore. I just want to…. I dont even know. Right now all I want to do is just cut and cut and cut until I hit something. Bleed my fucking life all over the floor. But then my OCD would kick in and I cant clean it up. Theres nothing I want to do more right now. I cant drink it away, alcohol does nothing for me. I dont need drugs or pills or anything to not feel. I want to feel I want to feel what a fucking failure I am and what a fucking fuck up I am and I just want to claw and tear and just bleed all over. Im sitting here typing this just so I dont get up and do it. But I cant even do that right. The last times Ive done it Ive been ridiculed and called names and been put down and told I was stupid and everything else, screamed at me and called me names and laughed at me and told me they would commit me because Im a stupid child. Physically did things in the name of what I dont even know. This is the “help” I get. This is the “support” I get. If you know someone who self harms let me tell you from someone who has been there, telling them how stupid and worthless they are while they are doing it and threatening them and laughing at them isnt going to make them stop. Its going to make the situation ten times worse. Its going to make them realize that that person(s) think THE VERY SAME THING THEY ALREADY THINK and its going to REINFORCE that we are USELESS AND POINTLESS AND WHY DONT WE JUST FUCKING DIE ALREADY ANYWAY????

What kind of life is it to not want to live, not want to die. I just want to go somewhere far far far fucking away and just be left alone. I dont need people. I dont need shit. All Ive ever been is a fucking burden. First I was a burden on my mom who had to raise me alone. Then I was a burden on my father who had to pay child support. Now Im  a burdern on my husband who has to “DO EVERYTHING” because he JUST DOESNT UNDERSTAND and it doesnt help when there is other people making close minded comments to him making it “ok” to make me feel the way I feel. Thats all Ive ever been, its all Ill ever be. I came into this life a burden, and fuck, Ill leave it that way too. Ill be some body that they have to pay to get rid of, and then theyll have to come up with a way to pay off all my debts as well. Well, if I was to have a tombstone, which I wont because theyre too expensive, it would say HERE LIES THE BURDEN. ITS FINALLY LIFTED. REJOICE.

I know its been a minute…

Life kinda is at a standstill. We’re moved, but not completely done. He’s been on vacation because BMW shuts down for the 4th of July (how patriotic -_-) so were financially fucked. My air conditioning unit went to hell after the move, but it was fixed today, which was nice because living in the 8th layer of hell was getting old. Its literally rained 18/19 days. My yard is a swamp and if I go outside, I am a mosquito buffet. I had a job interview for a place I put an app in like a month ago. I could tell she wasn’t paying any attention to any of the questions she was asking me. I contemplated giving really bizarre answers just to see if my hunch was right, but then thought better not. Needless to say, not getting that job. Which is ok. Because they asked me two questions in about covering my tattoos that people “may find offensive”. Well, what I find offensive is letting someone on the sales floor in a tank top two sizes too small and flip flops. But hey, to each their own, right?

Ive become bored with most everything. Nothing seems worthwhile. I get on World of Warcraft, but then get bored. I scroll through facebook or tumblr for awhile, but then tire of that. Ive been watching alot of netflix and tv recently…something I dont normally do. Now that my tv is back in my bedroom, I may never need to leave bed, either. My L5 disc in my back thinks that to be an awesome idea.

Im sitting in my office, I can hear the train in the distance. I dont have on a radio, or a tv, or anything. Just silence. I like silence. I really hate when we’re both in the office because he was to have tv on, or some kind of noise. I like silence.

Ive been quite literally itchy lately. My skin feels weird…like I dont belong in it or something. Like its not used to being there. I could chalk it up to the water…its new water. From Detroit. Supposedly better then the water I was getting. I guess my water probably had all sorts of nuclear shit in it since I live like under 10 miles from a nuclear power plant. I guess having water that people are dead in is better? Or so they assured me when I asked about it.

Its already half way through July. What am I doing with my life?

I read an article that people of my generation have peter pan syndrome. Ive been “grown up” since I was like, 12. But that doesn’t stop me from wishing life would slow the fuck down and chill. I just wish things were the way they used to be. Even though they were shitty, I still would like them back, in a weird way.

I also find it odd that while I write this, people who have never and will never meet me face to face will read it, while people I have know for years will remain clueless. Even though this posts through to my facebook, my tumblr, my twitter… none of them will take the time to even look. I dont know how I feel about that. Part of me finds solice in the fact I can literally write anything I want and it will never be read…and part of me wonders why people don’t find it important to read.