Tag Archives: addiction

Addiction and death and life and coping

So last night while on Tumblr, it broke that the guy from Glee died.

He was a month younger than me.

And hes dead.

No doubt there are SO many people out there with the idea that he somehow “earned” it. Mr. Hollywood, threw it away for drugs. (Assuming the rumors of the cause are true…) Do people think that by making it to Hollywood you somehow are untouchable from lifes downfalls? That because they make money and people like them, they are really any different from you or I?

Some people may think, why all this fuss about an actor? Some guy from some TV show. There are children dying of diseases they never asked for! There are people like military, and police, and firemen that go to work everyday knowing it may be their last! WHY the fuss over just some actor?

Today, more than ever, people rely on things like TV or music to get by. They connect with characters, or lyrics, or fictional characters. Maybe alot of people identified with him, both fictionally, and in “real life”. More and more people today are dying due to drugs. More people go to rehab. Alot of the people that come out of rehab last a day…a week…a month…a year. But eventually, sadly, there will be a triggering event at some point down the line.  Addiction is real. I’m not even just talking about drug addiction. I’m talking addiction in general. What other kinds of addiction are there? Food. Cutting. Weight maintanence. Spending. Sex. Alcohol. Some people have addictive personalities. I am one of those people.

Maybe its because I have OCD. But in my life, I have become “addicted” to many, many things. Some of which very well could have killed me:

  • Anorexia: I reached 76 lbs.
  • Cutting: I got up to three times DAILY
  • Spending: (you dont even want me to go there, but I have about 30k in credit card debt.)
  • World Of Warcraft: 12 hour stretches, daily. People have died from less.
  • Speeding in my car: 30+ over the limit (caught) twice.
  • Pop: the acid from it began to burn a whole through my lip.
  • Eating: after anorexia, I began to OVEReat. (Into obesity.)
  • Bingo: seven days a week, a few hundred dollars per week. (Gambling addiction.)

Any one of those things could end me. Starvation. Bleed out. Homelessness. Exhaustion. Reckless behavior. Binge eating.

Do any of them disappear? No. An addict is an addict. We deal daily. Sometimes we will go a week. A month. YEARS. Before some kind of a relapse. I’ve relapsed on every single topic.

Maybe there is all this attention to a person not because of his “celebrity” but because so many of us UNDERSTAND. We ALL have vices. Some more dangerous than others. Some better maintained than others. But we all know each other. We all see what each other goes through. Are you any better to look down your nose at a drug overdose while you puff on your cigarette and have your beer, while you are betting at the race track? No one is a saint. We all have demons, and we all fight those demons daily. Next time a celebrity, or a person you don’t know, or someone close to you has a “set back”…rememeber they are human. We all fail. We need people to understand. We need the support.

To those before me and those after me who fail and succomb to their demons, you are not alone, you are not weak, you are not any less. We are all dead in the end, we all die sometime. Don’t judge people for how they exit.


2-2-13 When one persons pain is another persons lesson

I am sitting here watching Teen Trouble and watching a girl being shown how her life can turn out. One of the women was a recovering addict, that took time out of her day, to show her what her life was going to end up like. She didn’t have to do that. She didn’t have to go on national television. She didn’t have to make time for some girl she doesn’t know. But she did.

Why? Why do people do that?

Maybe it’s the same reason people like me write blogs, that air our dirty laundry. It isn’t to get followers. It’s in the hope that the one person scrolling through the internet, trying to find SOMETHING to keep themselves alive one more day finds what we’ve written. Sees that we have been there, sees that we are still here. That they are not alone.

No one is perfect in life. Some of us are worse off than others. And it is OUR duty to be the ones who speak out. We have to show others that we are still here.

That we will continue on, and fight every day, just like they are.

You don’t have to be ashamed. You don’t have to be alone.

1-4-13 Addiction

Recovery. Remission. “That thing that used to control me that I’m supposed to not talk about or think about anymore.” 

What I want to know from people who have “battled and “won”” addictions, have you really ever won? How does one successfully overcome true addiction? It’s always there. It never goes away. It always rears its head at the worst possible time. Those that are strong enough to not give in? How exactly does that happen? Was it true addiction to begin with? If you can talk away? If you can get “better”? 

I’m sure at that sentence I just pissed off all you “recoverists”. 

I just don’t get it. I mean. It’s addiction. It’s there. How do you not give in? And if you don’t give in today, tomorrow, this time, that time, next time, at SOME time you will. So I fight it off today. And maybe it goes away; for a week, a month, a year. But it always comes back. Sometimes it’s there, and in your face, and in your brain, and in your thoughts, and its THERE THERE THERE and what then? How strong can you really be, forever? 

Why alcoholics end up back on the bottle time and time again?

Why drug addicts go to rehab and then five years later end up ODing?

Why gambling addicts “get help” and end up homeless when they gamble away their home?

Why I’m sitting here starving because I have almost no food in the house, and all I can think is, “Good. There shouldn’t be food. So you feel sick now. You know after a few more hours it’ll go away. Who cares if you eat? Get a jumpstart on that shit. You used to not eat for days. Fucking sissy. How are you even hungry already? Like you need to eat anyway. Look at you. So you lost the weight, you got down. Then look, thyroid came back again and BOOM youre the fattest youve ever been! Congratulations! You deserve it really. I mean, this IS the highest number! Hell, lets make it higher! Fuck, just sit here, eat it all. After all, whats the point right? No, you remember this. Get it to the point where the sight of food is disgusting. The scent is horrendous. Get it to where you used to be. It’d save money, right? Less shit in this house.”

And the worst part is that one up there isn’t even honestly the problem I care about. 

Because, lets be honest: I’ll cave. Im too fucking fat at this point that if I dont eat Ill just cave. THAT addiction won’t win. It USED to win. For 15 years it won. Being addicted to being able to say no to food. The fatass in me just outshines that guy now.

No, the other one that is always in the back of my mind. That controlled me for so long, so many years. That never really was honestly a “threat” because I knew all the ways to not do it to really be a problem. Well, until they took away everything and I had to find new ways and things. Once that happend, well, it made it easier, for sure. A little more dangerous, but isnt that the point? I sat for almost an hour today just thinking of ways to do it. I could. I still am sitting here even after sitting and breathing and thinking. Because I thought about it so long that now, even afterwards, I still want to. I miss it sometimes. It was my friend. Just like the other guy that went away and left me this fat disgusting mess of a person. They left me, just like everyone else. Hell, you can’t count on anyone these days, can you?

So how is it you strong people just stop, walk away? Was it ever really there for you to begin with? I mean, hell…quitting is something I’m GREAT at, ask anyone! I quit everything! Yet, can’t seem to shake these. If a great quitter can’t quit…

Can’t quit….or don’t want to? Is that what it boils down to? Can’t over won’t? A mixture of both? It must be nice for those people. 

Guess I’ll never know.