Grass isn’t greener, it may be dead.

For years I was so hopped up on (prescription) pills I was pretty much on auto pilot. I felt dead. I used to beg my doctor to fix me, make me feel SOMETHING. I was cutting alot just so I would feel ANYTHING. Now? MAKE IT STOP.

I cry at everything. EVERYTHING. Im irritable. Im impatient. I feel, alright. TOO MUCH.

Isn’t there some kinda middle? Where I can watch a commercial and not cry? That would be awesome.

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Those Nights

If there was ever a song that described not only the young me but the old me, this is it. It describes a few people in my life.

I remember when 
We used to laugh 
About nothing at all 
It was better than going mad 
From trying to solve all the problems we’re going through 
Forget ’em all 
Cause on those nights we would stand and never fall 
Together we faced it all 
Remember when we’d 

Stay up late and we’d talk all night 
In a dark room lit by the tv light 
Through all the hard times in my life 
Those nights kept me alive 

listen to the radio play all night 
Didn’t want to go home to another fight 
Through all the hard times in my life 
Those nights kept me alive 

I remember when 
We used to drive 
Anywhere but here 
As long as we’d forget our lives 
We were so young and confused that we didn’t know 
To laugh or cry 
Those nights were ours 
They will live and never die 
Together we’d stand forever 
Remember when we’d 

Those nights belong to us 
There’s nothing wrong with us 

I remember when 
We used to laugh 
And now I wish those nights would last

So you think you’ve got friends?

I once read an article that summed up “friends” wonderfully. I’m going to attempt to explain it here, and hope I don’t completely bastardize it. I also once read that the body can only understand 150 relationships. Since you meet new people all the time, you end up forgetting relationships prior.

Lets say you have 10 “Friends”.

5-Actual Acquaintances. You’re on each others facebook, you talk small talk if you run into them at the store, your kids are in the same class. They observe your life, but don’t truly care about it. Your failures and wins equal about the same to this person. They are on the fringe of your circle. This is about as “friend” as you get. It covers 50% of all your relationships.

3-Friends. You go hang out at the bar, watch movies, get together one-three times a month, you call and text, but not all that frequently. You have a superbowl party, and invite them. You might tell them some things, but not the real important stuff.  They cover about 25% of your relationships.

2-Close friends. Call and text frequently. Hang out more than other aquantainces/friends. You get a promotion, you call these people to help you celebrate. They will be the people who help you move, and that you call when upset/happy. These cover 20% of your relationships.

1-Best Friend. These are the people who you can call at 3am when something life threatening is going on. They will pick you up in the middle of the night when you had a bad day. They know all your secrets. They are invited to the most intimate parties. You see each other frequently, and keep in constant contact. They are the person you call when something happens. These take up 5% or less of your friends.

Now, I could do the math, but I’m not going to. If you can, at max, have 150 relationships, including family, friends, neighbors, co-workers, etc, most of your relationships are acquaintances. Your 650 friends on facebook? Do the math. 80% of people you know or meet, don’t really mean anything to you in the long run. And only 5% really matter.

So when you blow off actual friends for pseudo-friends, remember the math. See who matters. Or maybe one day you’ll be in that 80% that don’t matter.

http://www.theguardian.com/technology/2010/mar/14/my-bright-idea-robin-dunbar

http://lifeisalesson2belearned.blogspot.com/2012/02/acquaintance-vs-friend.html

http://voices.yahoo.com/how-tell-difference-between-friends-acquaintances-481467.html

http://www.differencebetween.net/language/difference-between-acquaintance-and-friend/

 

Phobias and fears.

One time when I was a teenager I counted my fears and phobias. It wasn’t a pretty outcome. Over a hundred fears and almost a hundred phobias. Ten years later, I can say alot of the phobias turned into fears (a nice upgrade) and some fears went away. I can still confidently state that I have a ridiculous amount of both of them, and they are why I haven’t fully lived life.

I never understood people who went on shows like Dr. Phil to “face” their phobias. Fuck that. You wouldn’t get me in the same BUILDING as a fear, fuck the same room. Makes me wonder either how genuiune their phobias were, or makes me wonder if mine are off the charts.

First of all, I wouldn’t make it to the show to begin with. Not only do I have a fear of long travel, I’d have to drive myself, because I’m phobic of aircraft and airports. Assuming I got to the place, I would then have OCD kick in and make me tick every five or so steps. When I’m in an unfamiliar place or situation I have horrible OCD ticks. Just knowing a phobias of mine was in the BUILDING would give me pause to go inside and the second I heard it was “coming onto the stage” I’d be gone, never looking back.

But I guess thats why the use of “phobia” is so overused. People think that being scared of something is a phobia. No. Thats a fear. You are scared of something. A phobia is something completely different. Just ask someone that tries to throw me into a pool. I climbed away from them and left them bleeding while hyperventilating and crying.

It’s caused me ALOT of problems. I don’t partake in any kind of adventure. Too many things I’m scared of. The germaphobia from my OCD alone makes life miserable. I’m constantly monitoring the situation to see if anyone is sick, if I can touch certain objects, etc. I wasn’t a normal teenager by any stretch of the imagination. Never went to parties. Never smoked, drank, or did drugs. Did nothing really physical (first kiss at 14, sex at 18 or 19) with my boyfriends. Never went on spring break. When I found out my choir class was having to go to New York senior year as a requirement, I quit it.

Then on top of having so many fears and phobias, I have social and general anxiety disorders. I don’t like people. I don’t trust them. They cause disease and possible death. It’s kind of hard to get new friends in situations like that. Or keep them, either. It’s probably a good thing I’m an introvert, because I probably would have killed myself by now.

Never went on an actual honeymoon. Or vacations. Most kids went to disney. You couldn’t get me there kicking and screaming. I was offered a paid hawaiian cruise…no way in hell. That involves planes AND boats. Fuck that nonsense.

I’ve spent a lot of time basically living the life of a house plant. Every now and then I get watered and flourish, but I usually get knocked over by a cat and my leaves eaten.

Contagion

I don’t know about where you live, but where I am at, people my age and younger are dying of H1N1. You can be a carrier, contagious before you even get sick. People walk around wearing masks, and you don’t know whether or not they are the sick, or the trying to avoid being sick. I have thought about wearing a mask. But they are really only about 75% effective. I was even scare mongered into getting the flu vaccine, and if anyone knows me I’m in the “don’t vaccinate” pack. (I do believe in major vaccines, just not chicken pox, flu, etc.)

Everywhere I go I stand 6 ft away from a person. If they cough or sneeze I immediately go another way. I see if they covered their face in the process. I avoid touching anything I can, and if I have to touch something, I use hand sanitizer after. (Hand sanitizer is under debate with people about working. It is completely a second choice after hand washing only if it is 62% or more alcohol. Non alcohol sanitizer IS NOT EFFECTIVE. STOP USING IT.) Pens, door handles, elevator buttons, are nightmares. I walk around opening things with my sleeves over my hands. I am a compulsive nail biter, but not in this situation. Buffet type places are a no-no from October til March. I try not to leave my house for the most part during these six months.

Every time someone says they, or their kids, are/were sick on my facebook feed I have to immediately remember when I last talked to them in person or was near them in person. If they were in my presence, I know the next two days are up in the air. Usually I won’t eat much for two days, if I was in any way shape or form exposed to norovirus. If it was coughing and sneezing, usually I just take it easy and stay vigilant.

Literally as I write this, my husband just said he felt sick, which immediatly got a “What do you mean??” out of me. My life revolves around staying healthy. For the most part, I can manage to maintain that. But its hell trying.

I know I should be grateful

I don’t know whats wrong with me lately. I really don’t like being alone suddenly. But I don’t want to be with people either. All this leaves me as a crying mess unable to explain what the hell is wrong with me. My husband used to go out for WEEKS at a time. I just heard hes going to have to go overnight tomorrow and Thursday when normally its only Thursday and I blew up. I don’t know its just … lonely with just sitting here looking at my pets all day. He told me to take him to work so I could have the car tomorrow but who the hell wants to get up at 3am, drive him to work at 4am? Obviously Im going to have to if I want a car, but my luck the damned snow storm will come and then how the hell am I going to get to him? Slowly, I guess. I’m glad my husband has a job, and a well paying one, but sometimes I’d just rather have him home than have the money.

Last night I was laying in my bed and thought up a few posts to write about and you think I can remember a damn one of them now? Not a one. They were even semi interesting.  I wish I could write about some topics, but I wouldn’t on such a public forum. Id go back to my livejournal for that. Maybe I should do that some times…to write about the stuff I can’t write here, just kick all the spectators off of it first. Who knows.

As for my diet, I’ve been sticking to it mostly. I’m at least sticking to the 1500 and under rule. I saw progress the first days but now I’m leveling out. I know its a long journey and its barely been two weeks, but Im already getting jaded. I have no patience. Makes it quite hard sometimes.

Miscalculation on med change.

When I decided to get off 150 Zoloft and change my 50 Elavil to 100, apparently I didn’t realize that I’m losing meds in that change. I went from 50+150=200 to 100. And I realize that all meds are a different number and maybe 100 Elavil IS equal to 150 and 50…I have no idea, chemistry was something I never into. All I know is its been two days since I’ve had any zoloft and I’m on the edge of tears for no reason. Numerous times. I’m thinking horrible thoughts from my OCD. I’d probably benefit from a klonopin but I hate having to take them even though they’re prescribed for at least 1-3 times every day I only use them about 1 time a month.

I go back into the psychiatrist and I’ll ask him when I go in if they’re “equal” or even remotely close. Due to how I feel, I’m guessing probably not. Thats three weeks from now, so I guess if it escalates Ill have my answer ahead of time.

I just keep thinking about death and what happens after death and panic from thinking about death. I think about sickness and how I dont want to leave my house because Im scared of getting sick, while having cabin fever in a huge way because of all this goddamn snow. My husbands been taking the car and leaving me here alone. I’ve been in a house with dogs for all these snowy weeks, sometimes hes home sometimes hes not. Ive barely saw anyone in these few weeks, today I saw more people than all of the time combined. Everything is back to making me cry at the drop of a hat. Or for no reason at all.

Im bored without being bored. I have nothing to do. Some people make the comment about how theyd “love” to be on disability and “do nothing” all day. No. It sucks. It’s sucked for the last 12 years I’ve been on it. You see no one, you do nothing. We just recently cancelled cable because it was something we didnt really use, but then after we cancelled it I realized I did watch it more than I originally thought. I still have netflix and hulu plus, which keep me occupied, at least. We have the internet still. I stopped playing WoW to save money…and now I want to get it back, but we’re saving for a vacation this summer so I feel guilty. I have art projects, or video projects I could be doing but at the same time I’m too tired to do them. Nothing makes sense. I want to do something but then Im tired to do it. Anyway…

The timing couldn’t be better

Thank god I uploaded all my diet info on here and facebook when I did. My 3 month old phone just had to be shipped out to be replaced. Apparently it thinks its headphones are in when they’re not, making it impossible to answer or make calls because I can’t hear anything. So my diet app and all the info are gone. Things happen for a reason. I’m using my MIL old phone as a loaner til mine comes in. Personally, since its on back order, I hope the full 14 days goes through and they let me get a different phone. We have three of the same phones on my plan and theyre all 3-4 months old. One got sent out last week because it shut off and never turned back on. The other one stopped charging, and then mine had the headphone issue. WTF? POS is what they are! No wonder they’re on back order! They SUCK. I wish I had never got rid of my iphone. 😦 The loaner I’m using is 4 years old and taking FOREVER to download my app. I’m still going to try to get it to download, but if not, I guess its back to paper and pen for this girl til her phone comes back. UGH. Technology.

 

Yes what I’m about to say is petty, and I really DGAF.

Although half of it deals with facebook, I’ll write it here because no one will bother to read it that I’m talking about. Note: only half is about facebook, before I go on. Somethings been bothering me about people for about three years and its two things, and they are stupid and petty, and that’s why its taken me three years to actually say something about it. But it’s built to a point and you know once the straw breaks, its done.

1. Facebook: Somehow I always read about these great adventures of friends where they tag who they were with. That’s not the problem. Kudos for them for living life. My problem (while stupid and petty, again, I already know this) is that whenever *me* and a person (and again, generalizing as this has happened with more people than I care to mention or count) do anything at all, nothing is ever said. I’m really beginning to feel like that person who people are friends with as long as their other friends don’t know. Like, it’s ok to be my friend, just don’t talk about it. This is happening more and more WITH more and more. I’m worried about even tagging people any more–what if one of their friends sees? (sarcasm). Don’t get me wrong. I almost never get out of the house. I almost never do anything with anyone, so obviously the times I do go out, I notice. I hear about stupid mundane days spent with other people….don’t I get to be stupid and mundane? (No, obviously just stupid and petty…) I’m just really sick and damn tired of never being mentioned. Ever. It’s like, objectifying my whole existence. I’m really beginning to feel like whats the point?

2. Not facebook: You ever been with a friend and they get a call? Of course. But lemme tell you how it plays out in my world:

  1. They answer the phone. Someone asks what theyre doing. They answer “nothing, you?” I’m apparently nothing. Thanks. Then, to add insult to injury, they stay on the phone. Well, thanks. You’re AWESOME company.
  2. You call them while they’re with a friend. You get “OH _____ IS HERE/ON THE OTHER LINE CAN I CALL YOU BACK?!” Yeah, that woulda been nice when you were with ME and THEY called but apparently thats only a one way street, got it.
  3. Person gets a text. They proceed to have lengthy conversation with person while hanging out with me.
  4. I text a person. It may or may not get answered next Tuesday.

Call it whatever you want. Hell, just reading it I can see how it sounds. But Jesus Fucking Christ I am SO fucking tired of being number 2, 3, 5, 17, 100 when I go above and beyond for people all the time. Not only am I not appreciated but jesus…. whatever, I got this out thats all that matters.

Starting a new plan of action

While having routine checkups after the breast cancer scare, I realized that I am continuing to gain weight, no matter what I do. Even the doctor was confused. Since it is winter, and under 0 here, I obviously am not getting outside to walk. I walk around stores and malls and the such when I get the chance, which isn’t often because my husband takes the car to work, but I do as much as I can. That being said, I haven’t changed activity behaviors, but I had changed eating, (giving up pop, etc) and still managed to climb. I was stumped. No plateau in sight. No matter what I tried to do, gained more weight.

Some things are obviously a factor. I had gained 18 pounds in six months, probably due to birth control, and climbing risperdal doseage. Since this time last year, I had gained 60. All the weight I had dropped during school I had gained back, PLUS some. The doctor told me to stay at 1500 calories or under, and get an app for my phone. So I downloaded My Diet Diary and within the first day realized I was much to blame for the weight gain.

I am an emotional eater. I attempt to eat my feelings, whatever they might be. Which is a start contrast to 15 years ago, when I would starve my feelings instead. I went from one extreme to the other. Neither one of them being particularily good for me.

I accidently set the app wrong (I told it to make me WEIGH 60 lbs instead of to LOSE it) and lost almost 10 pounds the first three days. I’ve since then I’ve fixed the app. I also came across something interesting at Wal-mart. A 5 day nutrisystem box that gives you breakfast, lunch, dinner, and dessert for 44 dollars. You have to find 2+ servings of vegetables for lunch and dinner, but other than that, its all there. I’ve been on it for 2 days now. Four days in my change. I’m still holding at almost 10 lost. I plan on documenting it so I know what I did in case (probably) I’ll ever have to lose weight again. Last time I have no idea how I almost got to goal weight. Probably the activity of going to college and stress. But once it was over, I ballooned.

I think I’m going to attempt to make it all one page, to make it easy for myself and not bore the living hell out of anyone who happens to be reading. We’ll see how well that works.