Category Archives: personal

Been there, done that, fucking recycling it apparently.

I know at least one article at some point in this wordpress has an article Ive already wrote, Im just too lazy/pissed off to actually find it.

Sometimes it doesn’t really bother me. Most times it just picks at me. Today it fucking just hauled off and pissed in my face, which is why I am here, writing about it again. And prolly coz people on FB will get all pissy and delete me for not being a sheep.

You know how (esp if youre white) you cant use the almighty “N” word. Don’t use retard, it hurts people. “Gay” isn’t for everyday use. Then why the FUCK is crazy?

I am SO fucking tired of seeing “My mommma’s crazy!” “Im so crazy!” “I’ll go crazy on you and get away with it.” and all the other stupid fucking variants. Shut. The. Fuck. Up. You wanna know motherfucking crazy? Try losing your fucking life? Try killing yourself? Try losing everything youve worked for? Try losing everyone you ever cared about? Try never being able to hold a job? Try not being able to go places? Try being stared at every fucking day in stores? But HEHEHE its SO FUNNY to make shitty FB graphics and ACT ALL BADASS OH IM SO FUCKING CRAZY. Shut the fuck up! You dont know real fucking life altering “crazy” its not fucking CUTE or funny. You’re not gonna go beat some fuckers ass. Youre gonna sit behind your stupid computer screen on your stupid ass.

I’m so fucking tired of “crazy” getting a pass.

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What kind of death will you have today?

Im seeing alot of posts about grandparents and how old they would have been, and Shirley Temple died. My grandmother was born her same year (1928) which means, had she been alive, she’d be 86 in April. But she died in 1960, in her early 30’s. She was in a fatal car wreck. It wasn’t pretty. The drivers face came off from the steering column. One was ejected, and she had the motor land on her. She was barely older than me now.

My mom got in a near fatal car accident when she was almost my age. She had been in two real bad ones, but this one happened at 32. Her head was stuck in the steering column. The other wreck was I think the year after or before I can’t remember.

Are you catching the trend here?

Im scared to death to be in a car from now until 34. For the next two years I have to worry about whether 3 times a charm. One was driving, one was passenger. Every time I get into my car, I think about how this might “be it”. I know, superstitious you say.

My family don’t usually die of “normal” causes. I have murder, car crashes, a trapeze hanging, choked on popcorn, and alcohol poisoning, to name some.

Cars make me nervous to begin with. But to know that my grandmother I never met died literally around my age now, when I was little it didn’t seem like a big deal. She was old then. Well, I’m that age now, and I sure as shit don’t feel old. I feel 15. And I’ve really always hated being a passenger–you have no control. And we all know what a control freak I am. At least if Im the driver I had a chance to change whatever could happen.

Here’s to the next 2 years.

Tim Mcgraw for random posting for 200, Alex.

I woke up with a few interesting topics in my head. I have pandora radio on and I think I forgot them all lol. My dreams have nicely just turned into crazy random bullshit instead of the normal ‘all to real, I wake up and don’t know which reality Im in, but if Im in the dreaming one Im in a hell of  alot of trouble’. Just that alone brightens my day considerably. I’ve been blaming myself as of late because of dreams I can’t control.

I really love (insert sarcasm) when a post is literally so all over the place that you can’t even tag it, or you have to over tag it, but in my case, I just dont tag it because why the hell would anyone want to read a rambley all over mess? Hell, I don’t even wanna read it.

Then again its posts like this you can hide stuff in. Stuff that deserves its own post but you can’t really write about it because while you want to write, you dont really want people to read it. Post something for no one to read–weird huh? No, sometimes you just need to get shit out and off your chest. I have a livejournal…Im kinda thinking about going back and reading it…it goes back to AT LEAST 2005, before that I think. (well I had to drag my greatestjournal over to it when that site went belly up.) I just remember bitching non stop about my marriage that was a whopping 3 months old. I think I said I hate you more in those three months than the whole 15 years we’ve been together lol.

“Do you remember me?” I said, “Only every memory” “A heart dont forget, something like that.”

Just tired of being tired.

My body is alternating between actual tiredness and physcially being worn out, but awake. Id say I have mono (had it), Preg (cant be), thyroid (its fine currently), so I have no damn clue as to whats goin on. With it, I’m randomly crying/depressed, again all three to be suspected, and none of them actually being it. Ive had cotton mouth horrible for a few weeks, which is now causing me a hoarse cough. I got the flu vaccine against my better judgement, over 2 weeks ago, so I know I’m innoculated. (how bad did I kill that word, I dont even care…)

Tomorrow I wont have the car, but don’t have anywhere to go anyway. Debating calling my psychiatrist and putting off the appointment til next month, if hell call me in some elavil. If not, I’m gonna have to go.

I feel really secretive as of late but Im not so I don’t quite understand. My dreams are getting weird again and feeling all too real which is REALLY fucking with my day to day dealings. I feel wrong. How the fuck do you stop dreaming about shit?? Seriously!

Grass isn’t greener, it may be dead.

For years I was so hopped up on (prescription) pills I was pretty much on auto pilot. I felt dead. I used to beg my doctor to fix me, make me feel SOMETHING. I was cutting alot just so I would feel ANYTHING. Now? MAKE IT STOP.

I cry at everything. EVERYTHING. Im irritable. Im impatient. I feel, alright. TOO MUCH.

Isn’t there some kinda middle? Where I can watch a commercial and not cry? That would be awesome.

Those Nights

If there was ever a song that described not only the young me but the old me, this is it. It describes a few people in my life.

I remember when 
We used to laugh 
About nothing at all 
It was better than going mad 
From trying to solve all the problems we’re going through 
Forget ’em all 
Cause on those nights we would stand and never fall 
Together we faced it all 
Remember when we’d 

Stay up late and we’d talk all night 
In a dark room lit by the tv light 
Through all the hard times in my life 
Those nights kept me alive 

listen to the radio play all night 
Didn’t want to go home to another fight 
Through all the hard times in my life 
Those nights kept me alive 

I remember when 
We used to drive 
Anywhere but here 
As long as we’d forget our lives 
We were so young and confused that we didn’t know 
To laugh or cry 
Those nights were ours 
They will live and never die 
Together we’d stand forever 
Remember when we’d 

Those nights belong to us 
There’s nothing wrong with us 

I remember when 
We used to laugh 
And now I wish those nights would last

So you think you’ve got friends?

I once read an article that summed up “friends” wonderfully. I’m going to attempt to explain it here, and hope I don’t completely bastardize it. I also once read that the body can only understand 150 relationships. Since you meet new people all the time, you end up forgetting relationships prior.

Lets say you have 10 “Friends”.

5-Actual Acquaintances. You’re on each others facebook, you talk small talk if you run into them at the store, your kids are in the same class. They observe your life, but don’t truly care about it. Your failures and wins equal about the same to this person. They are on the fringe of your circle. This is about as “friend” as you get. It covers 50% of all your relationships.

3-Friends. You go hang out at the bar, watch movies, get together one-three times a month, you call and text, but not all that frequently. You have a superbowl party, and invite them. You might tell them some things, but not the real important stuff.  They cover about 25% of your relationships.

2-Close friends. Call and text frequently. Hang out more than other aquantainces/friends. You get a promotion, you call these people to help you celebrate. They will be the people who help you move, and that you call when upset/happy. These cover 20% of your relationships.

1-Best Friend. These are the people who you can call at 3am when something life threatening is going on. They will pick you up in the middle of the night when you had a bad day. They know all your secrets. They are invited to the most intimate parties. You see each other frequently, and keep in constant contact. They are the person you call when something happens. These take up 5% or less of your friends.

Now, I could do the math, but I’m not going to. If you can, at max, have 150 relationships, including family, friends, neighbors, co-workers, etc, most of your relationships are acquaintances. Your 650 friends on facebook? Do the math. 80% of people you know or meet, don’t really mean anything to you in the long run. And only 5% really matter.

So when you blow off actual friends for pseudo-friends, remember the math. See who matters. Or maybe one day you’ll be in that 80% that don’t matter.

http://www.theguardian.com/technology/2010/mar/14/my-bright-idea-robin-dunbar

http://lifeisalesson2belearned.blogspot.com/2012/02/acquaintance-vs-friend.html

http://voices.yahoo.com/how-tell-difference-between-friends-acquaintances-481467.html

http://www.differencebetween.net/language/difference-between-acquaintance-and-friend/

 

Phobias and fears.

One time when I was a teenager I counted my fears and phobias. It wasn’t a pretty outcome. Over a hundred fears and almost a hundred phobias. Ten years later, I can say alot of the phobias turned into fears (a nice upgrade) and some fears went away. I can still confidently state that I have a ridiculous amount of both of them, and they are why I haven’t fully lived life.

I never understood people who went on shows like Dr. Phil to “face” their phobias. Fuck that. You wouldn’t get me in the same BUILDING as a fear, fuck the same room. Makes me wonder either how genuiune their phobias were, or makes me wonder if mine are off the charts.

First of all, I wouldn’t make it to the show to begin with. Not only do I have a fear of long travel, I’d have to drive myself, because I’m phobic of aircraft and airports. Assuming I got to the place, I would then have OCD kick in and make me tick every five or so steps. When I’m in an unfamiliar place or situation I have horrible OCD ticks. Just knowing a phobias of mine was in the BUILDING would give me pause to go inside and the second I heard it was “coming onto the stage” I’d be gone, never looking back.

But I guess thats why the use of “phobia” is so overused. People think that being scared of something is a phobia. No. Thats a fear. You are scared of something. A phobia is something completely different. Just ask someone that tries to throw me into a pool. I climbed away from them and left them bleeding while hyperventilating and crying.

It’s caused me ALOT of problems. I don’t partake in any kind of adventure. Too many things I’m scared of. The germaphobia from my OCD alone makes life miserable. I’m constantly monitoring the situation to see if anyone is sick, if I can touch certain objects, etc. I wasn’t a normal teenager by any stretch of the imagination. Never went to parties. Never smoked, drank, or did drugs. Did nothing really physical (first kiss at 14, sex at 18 or 19) with my boyfriends. Never went on spring break. When I found out my choir class was having to go to New York senior year as a requirement, I quit it.

Then on top of having so many fears and phobias, I have social and general anxiety disorders. I don’t like people. I don’t trust them. They cause disease and possible death. It’s kind of hard to get new friends in situations like that. Or keep them, either. It’s probably a good thing I’m an introvert, because I probably would have killed myself by now.

Never went on an actual honeymoon. Or vacations. Most kids went to disney. You couldn’t get me there kicking and screaming. I was offered a paid hawaiian cruise…no way in hell. That involves planes AND boats. Fuck that nonsense.

I’ve spent a lot of time basically living the life of a house plant. Every now and then I get watered and flourish, but I usually get knocked over by a cat and my leaves eaten.

Contagion

I don’t know about where you live, but where I am at, people my age and younger are dying of H1N1. You can be a carrier, contagious before you even get sick. People walk around wearing masks, and you don’t know whether or not they are the sick, or the trying to avoid being sick. I have thought about wearing a mask. But they are really only about 75% effective. I was even scare mongered into getting the flu vaccine, and if anyone knows me I’m in the “don’t vaccinate” pack. (I do believe in major vaccines, just not chicken pox, flu, etc.)

Everywhere I go I stand 6 ft away from a person. If they cough or sneeze I immediately go another way. I see if they covered their face in the process. I avoid touching anything I can, and if I have to touch something, I use hand sanitizer after. (Hand sanitizer is under debate with people about working. It is completely a second choice after hand washing only if it is 62% or more alcohol. Non alcohol sanitizer IS NOT EFFECTIVE. STOP USING IT.) Pens, door handles, elevator buttons, are nightmares. I walk around opening things with my sleeves over my hands. I am a compulsive nail biter, but not in this situation. Buffet type places are a no-no from October til March. I try not to leave my house for the most part during these six months.

Every time someone says they, or their kids, are/were sick on my facebook feed I have to immediately remember when I last talked to them in person or was near them in person. If they were in my presence, I know the next two days are up in the air. Usually I won’t eat much for two days, if I was in any way shape or form exposed to norovirus. If it was coughing and sneezing, usually I just take it easy and stay vigilant.

Literally as I write this, my husband just said he felt sick, which immediatly got a “What do you mean??” out of me. My life revolves around staying healthy. For the most part, I can manage to maintain that. But its hell trying.

I know I should be grateful

I don’t know whats wrong with me lately. I really don’t like being alone suddenly. But I don’t want to be with people either. All this leaves me as a crying mess unable to explain what the hell is wrong with me. My husband used to go out for WEEKS at a time. I just heard hes going to have to go overnight tomorrow and Thursday when normally its only Thursday and I blew up. I don’t know its just … lonely with just sitting here looking at my pets all day. He told me to take him to work so I could have the car tomorrow but who the hell wants to get up at 3am, drive him to work at 4am? Obviously Im going to have to if I want a car, but my luck the damned snow storm will come and then how the hell am I going to get to him? Slowly, I guess. I’m glad my husband has a job, and a well paying one, but sometimes I’d just rather have him home than have the money.

Last night I was laying in my bed and thought up a few posts to write about and you think I can remember a damn one of them now? Not a one. They were even semi interesting.  I wish I could write about some topics, but I wouldn’t on such a public forum. Id go back to my livejournal for that. Maybe I should do that some times…to write about the stuff I can’t write here, just kick all the spectators off of it first. Who knows.

As for my diet, I’ve been sticking to it mostly. I’m at least sticking to the 1500 and under rule. I saw progress the first days but now I’m leveling out. I know its a long journey and its barely been two weeks, but Im already getting jaded. I have no patience. Makes it quite hard sometimes.