Either things are going on enough that I have a topic to write about, or its so dead I can’t find anything to write about. Can’t we have a nice middle? But then again, thats life. 100 mph or dead.
Im back to my old sleep schedule: nonexistant. Im up all hours, and I get up somewhere near lunch to dinner. Thank you risperidal for keeping it straight as long as you did. Unfortunately I cant afford your prices or the weight gain any longer. I didn’t realize it had quite spiraled back to that until I was at Burger King at 4pm and the manager was like “How is your lunch/dinner?” and I answered with “breakfast.” Yep, its baaaack. On the other hand, Im getting to listen to alot of music on pandora and Ive read more books this month than last year combined. (1-2 per couple days.)
Mentally for a long time, with 3 exceptions as of late, I just stay in a “mixed” state. They’re hard to medicate. They’re hard to live with, but I’m pretty used to them by now. Considering its February, my normal month of ruin, I’m just sitting here waiting for SOMETHING to change. Either a depression so deep I can’t function, or a high that kicks my ass. For once I’d be happy with the mixed state. This weather isn’t helping at all, of course.
Once upon a time I handled writing correctly, a beginning middle and end. Here’s the end.
Ever clicked the “new post” button then looked at the blank screen with a “duh” look on your face? Yeah, that’s me right now.
I have a shit ton of stuff I COULD write about but I don’t really think this is the time or the place. (But then when IS the time or place?) I’m just sitting here with a television that is on, but nothing is playing, a dog that is chewing something but everytime I ask her what the hell shes chewing on she stops chewing, a cat on top of the couch licking its ass. Its 10 pm, its cold, my husband is in the bedroom sleeping with the dog and my other cat is no where to be found.
And here I sit.
I just went on my tumblr site, and saw a gif for “wrecking ball” and now its on loop in my head. That song has a way of staying in your head. At least, it does me for some reason.
I was going to cancel my psych appt for Wednesday because I was mainly going in to “see how I was doing” on lithium (which I didn’t start), increased risperdal, increased elavil, and absence of zoloft. So I really didn’t see the point in going, but now I’m going to go so I can talk to him about YET AGAIN another med change. I thought increasing the risperdal would help the irritation, because they usually put me on it for that, but its no longer working. I think I need to get off of it, or lower it, or something, and start something different/new. Maybe I will go back to lithium. What I would like is some goddamn anger stiffler. I wanna tear everyones head off (while I alternate with crying…) and its getting old. I know they have pills for that shit, which I’m gonna have to google and go in with the names, so I have a chance. They want me in therapy coz maybe that’ll “help” my anger but lets be real. Its never worked before (Ill still try it though,) and I just need a damn pill for it. Something to lower my aggression.
My feet are falling asleep and my battery on this comp is half dead. Probably means it’s time to move position and get the charger. We’ll see.
Side note: why the hell do I smell syrup?