Category Archives: depression

Letting Go is something that comes up alot

There seems to be a weird thing that follows me. I love/obsess things that have to do with “letting go” (while listening to a song saying the lyric over and over lol.).

There is LOST which one of the key things in it, especially in the last scenes which has an entire speech about it.

There is the song “Let Her Go” by Passenger. “Letting Go” by Sozzi, which is showcased in Dawsons Creek. (A show that means alot to me.)

I think it comes up so much because I utterly suck at being able to do it.

I can never let go of mistakes Ive made. I can’t let go of toxic people in my life. I can’t let go of my past. I can’t let go of people that are already gone. (That last one I’m finally starting to come to terms with, thank god.) I can’t let go of just about anything, to be honest. I’m stuck.

I don’t mean to be. I don’t WANT to be.

I read once in a numerology book that there are certain things each life cycle we are meant to have, or meant not to have. I don’t know how true that is, and its for a whole other entry on what exactly I’m missing out on, but it does make me think. There has to be something celestially going on that I am this bad at letting go of things in life. I wish I could go into some of the topics, but this is a public place and on the infantisimal chance they were to ever find this, I won’t right now. eventually I may. It has to do with a handful of people.

I used to have a really good memory. Like, REALLY good. Once I got on all these psych meds, I walked in a stupor for approx 4-5 years. I can barely remember anything from 1999-2003. Flashes, sometimes. Maybe I don’t want to let go of things because that would just be more I couldn’t remember? I can really only guess. I’m sure there is some psychological reason. Maybe because my mom went out on Thursdays when I was a kid. Who knows?

I actually quoted the scene from LOST in another entry on here, I remember doing that. Don’t remember what one, or why. Maybe I was complaining about it. I do that alot. I know I’ve posted the lyrics to “Let Her Go”–mostly because it really reminds me not only of life in general, but of being bipolar.

Probably why Ill always remember this:

The most…important part of your life, was the time that you spent with these people. That’s why all of you are here. Nobody does it alone Jack. You needed all of them, and they needed you.”

“For what?”

“To remember…and to…let go.”

Been there, done that, fucking recycling it apparently.

I know at least one article at some point in this wordpress has an article Ive already wrote, Im just too lazy/pissed off to actually find it.

Sometimes it doesn’t really bother me. Most times it just picks at me. Today it fucking just hauled off and pissed in my face, which is why I am here, writing about it again. And prolly coz people on FB will get all pissy and delete me for not being a sheep.

You know how (esp if youre white) you cant use the almighty “N” word. Don’t use retard, it hurts people. “Gay” isn’t for everyday use. Then why the FUCK is crazy?

I am SO fucking tired of seeing “My mommma’s crazy!” “Im so crazy!” “I’ll go crazy on you and get away with it.” and all the other stupid fucking variants. Shut. The. Fuck. Up. You wanna know motherfucking crazy? Try losing your fucking life? Try killing yourself? Try losing everything youve worked for? Try losing everyone you ever cared about? Try never being able to hold a job? Try not being able to go places? Try being stared at every fucking day in stores? But HEHEHE its SO FUNNY to make shitty FB graphics and ACT ALL BADASS OH IM SO FUCKING CRAZY. Shut the fuck up! You dont know real fucking life altering “crazy” its not fucking CUTE or funny. You’re not gonna go beat some fuckers ass. Youre gonna sit behind your stupid computer screen on your stupid ass.

I’m so fucking tired of “crazy” getting a pass.

What the hell was the point of this post again?

Ever clicked the “new post” button then looked at the blank screen with a “duh” look on your face? Yeah, that’s me right now.

I have a shit ton of stuff I COULD write about but I don’t really think this is the time or the place. (But then when IS the time or place?) I’m just sitting here with a television that is on, but nothing is playing, a dog that is chewing something but everytime I ask her what the hell shes chewing on she stops chewing, a cat on top of the couch licking its ass. Its 10 pm, its cold, my husband is in the bedroom sleeping with the dog and my other cat is no where to be found.

And here I sit.

I just went on my tumblr site, and saw a gif for “wrecking ball” and now its on loop in my head. That song has a way of staying in your head. At least, it does me for some reason.

I was going to cancel my psych appt for Wednesday because I was mainly going in to “see how I was doing” on lithium (which I didn’t start), increased risperdal, increased elavil, and absence of zoloft. So I really didn’t see the point in going, but now I’m going to go so I can talk to him about YET AGAIN another med change. I thought increasing the risperdal would help the irritation, because they usually put me on it for that, but its no longer working. I think I need to get off of it, or lower it, or something, and start something different/new. Maybe I will go back to lithium. What I would like is some goddamn anger stiffler. I wanna tear everyones head off (while I alternate with crying…) and its getting old. I know they have pills for that shit, which I’m gonna have to google and go in with the names, so I have a chance. They want me in therapy coz maybe that’ll “help” my anger but lets be real. Its never worked before (Ill still try it though,) and I just need a damn pill for it. Something to lower my aggression.

My feet are falling asleep and my battery on this comp is half dead. Probably means it’s time to move position and get the charger. We’ll see.

Side note: why the hell do I smell syrup?

Grass isn’t greener, it may be dead.

For years I was so hopped up on (prescription) pills I was pretty much on auto pilot. I felt dead. I used to beg my doctor to fix me, make me feel SOMETHING. I was cutting alot just so I would feel ANYTHING. Now? MAKE IT STOP.

I cry at everything. EVERYTHING. Im irritable. Im impatient. I feel, alright. TOO MUCH.

Isn’t there some kinda middle? Where I can watch a commercial and not cry? That would be awesome.