Category Archives: confidence

So you think you’ve got friends?

I once read an article that summed up “friends” wonderfully. I’m going to attempt to explain it here, and hope I don’t completely bastardize it. I also once read that the body can only understand 150 relationships. Since you meet new people all the time, you end up forgetting relationships prior.

Lets say you have 10 “Friends”.

5-Actual Acquaintances. You’re on each others facebook, you talk small talk if you run into them at the store, your kids are in the same class. They observe your life, but don’t truly care about it. Your failures and wins equal about the same to this person. They are on the fringe of your circle. This is about as “friend” as you get. It covers 50% of all your relationships.

3-Friends. You go hang out at the bar, watch movies, get together one-three times a month, you call and text, but not all that frequently. You have a superbowl party, and invite them. You might tell them some things, but not the real important stuff.  They cover about 25% of your relationships.

2-Close friends. Call and text frequently. Hang out more than other aquantainces/friends. You get a promotion, you call these people to help you celebrate. They will be the people who help you move, and that you call when upset/happy. These cover 20% of your relationships.

1-Best Friend. These are the people who you can call at 3am when something life threatening is going on. They will pick you up in the middle of the night when you had a bad day. They know all your secrets. They are invited to the most intimate parties. You see each other frequently, and keep in constant contact. They are the person you call when something happens. These take up 5% or less of your friends.

Now, I could do the math, but I’m not going to. If you can, at max, have 150 relationships, including family, friends, neighbors, co-workers, etc, most of your relationships are acquaintances. Your 650 friends on facebook? Do the math. 80% of people you know or meet, don’t really mean anything to you in the long run. And only 5% really matter.

So when you blow off actual friends for pseudo-friends, remember the math. See who matters. Or maybe one day you’ll be in that 80% that don’t matter.

http://www.theguardian.com/technology/2010/mar/14/my-bright-idea-robin-dunbar

http://lifeisalesson2belearned.blogspot.com/2012/02/acquaintance-vs-friend.html

http://voices.yahoo.com/how-tell-difference-between-friends-acquaintances-481467.html

http://www.differencebetween.net/language/difference-between-acquaintance-and-friend/

 

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Yes what I’m about to say is petty, and I really DGAF.

Although half of it deals with facebook, I’ll write it here because no one will bother to read it that I’m talking about. Note: only half is about facebook, before I go on. Somethings been bothering me about people for about three years and its two things, and they are stupid and petty, and that’s why its taken me three years to actually say something about it. But it’s built to a point and you know once the straw breaks, its done.

1. Facebook: Somehow I always read about these great adventures of friends where they tag who they were with. That’s not the problem. Kudos for them for living life. My problem (while stupid and petty, again, I already know this) is that whenever *me* and a person (and again, generalizing as this has happened with more people than I care to mention or count) do anything at all, nothing is ever said. I’m really beginning to feel like that person who people are friends with as long as their other friends don’t know. Like, it’s ok to be my friend, just don’t talk about it. This is happening more and more WITH more and more. I’m worried about even tagging people any more–what if one of their friends sees? (sarcasm). Don’t get me wrong. I almost never get out of the house. I almost never do anything with anyone, so obviously the times I do go out, I notice. I hear about stupid mundane days spent with other people….don’t I get to be stupid and mundane? (No, obviously just stupid and petty…) I’m just really sick and damn tired of never being mentioned. Ever. It’s like, objectifying my whole existence. I’m really beginning to feel like whats the point?

2. Not facebook: You ever been with a friend and they get a call? Of course. But lemme tell you how it plays out in my world:

  1. They answer the phone. Someone asks what theyre doing. They answer “nothing, you?” I’m apparently nothing. Thanks. Then, to add insult to injury, they stay on the phone. Well, thanks. You’re AWESOME company.
  2. You call them while they’re with a friend. You get “OH _____ IS HERE/ON THE OTHER LINE CAN I CALL YOU BACK?!” Yeah, that woulda been nice when you were with ME and THEY called but apparently thats only a one way street, got it.
  3. Person gets a text. They proceed to have lengthy conversation with person while hanging out with me.
  4. I text a person. It may or may not get answered next Tuesday.

Call it whatever you want. Hell, just reading it I can see how it sounds. But Jesus Fucking Christ I am SO fucking tired of being number 2, 3, 5, 17, 100 when I go above and beyond for people all the time. Not only am I not appreciated but jesus…. whatever, I got this out thats all that matters.

I’m Still Here

This song is very fitting to my life usually, but more so recently. I added this version because I took the time to make it almost 2 years ago. I was going to just put a lyric video, but I’m putting the lyrics after the video anyway. In case anyone don’t know the video, it’s from LOST.

I am a question to the world,
Not an answer to be heard
Or a moment that’s held in your arms.
And what do you think you’d ever say?
I won’t listen anyway…
You don’t know me,
And I’ll never be what you want me to be.

And what do you think you’d understand?
I’m a boy, no, I’m a man..
You can’t take me and throw me away.
And how can you learn what’s never shown?
Yeah, you stand here on your own.
They don’t know me ’cause I’m not here.

And I want a moment to be real,
Wanna touch things I don’t feel,
Wanna hold on and feel I belong.
And how can the world want me to change?
They’re the ones that stay the same.
They don’t know me,
‘Cause I’m not here.

And you see the things they never see
All you wanted, I could be
Now you know me, and I’m not afraid
And I wanna tell you who I am
Can you help me be a man?
They can’t break me
As long as I know who I am

And I want a moment to be real,
Wanna touch things I don’t feel,
Wanna hold on and feel I belong.
And how can the world want me to change?
They’re the ones that stay the same.
They can’t see me,
But I’m still here.

They can’t tell me who to be,
‘Cause I’m not what they see.
Yeah, the world is still sleepin’,
While I keep on dreamin’ for me.
And their words are just whispers
And lies that I’ll never believe.

And I want a moment to be real,
Wanna touch things I don’t feel,
Wanna hold on and feel I belong.
And how can they say I never change?
They’re the ones that stay the same.
I’m the one now,
‘Cause I’m still here.

I’m the one,
‘Cause I’m still here.

-Goo Goo Dolls “I’m Still Here”

I think it’s time for me to address this

I had actually thought about writing about this topic a week or two ago, but ended up writing about other things instead. But today someone brought up the topic again, so I’ll write about it now.

The topic? Guys who chase skinny girls and why fat girls have issues.

Know going into this, that I have been on both sides. I was anorexic, at my lowest being 76. At my highest, around 190. Ive been to both extremes. So I got a pretty good idea of what goes through alot of minds.

When I was skinny, I had no self confidence. I thought I was fat. (As do all other anorexics.) Though I was in steady relationships, I could have dated people, pretty sure I wouldn’t have had a hard time finding someone. I was never single long. I got with my husband when I was about 80 pounds. Hes been with me on my weight adventure. From 76 to 120 to 160 to 125 to 170 to 140 to 190 to 150 and back to 190. (You dont wanna know how frustrating it is buying clothes when you have that big of a jump and youre only 5 ft tall. 10 pounds is a size or two!) I will say that through all of those, I will always have more confidence and feel better about myself as a person when Im…

fat.

There is too much pressure to be skinny. You always want to be skinnier than her, than her, definetely than her. Then someones smaller than you, and you’re a failure. When you’re fat, fuck it. You’re bigger than some, you’re fatter than others.

My problem is men.

I’ve always been real lucky and dated guys who were human. Not macho douchebags who wanted a trophy on their arm. Not all women are that lucky. I heard a guy on the radio the other day that said if she was 121, she was out the door: he worked for her, she should work to be good looking for him. And the guy was no prize. But this is acceptable behavior for some reason.

My husband likes me bigger. He has admitted (hold on to the handle, let me explain) that it’s easier being with a bigger girl because most have self esteem issues, that most don’t know how pretty they are, so they’re less likely to cheat. A broad generalization to be sure, but still somewhat accurate. Self doubt will keep you in relationships, even horrible ones you shouldn’t be in, just to feel loved.  Do skinny girls have these issues? Sure. But society leans towards “fat should take what they get and stay there” and skinny “can have anyone, anytime”. Its sad, but true.

Today I had to listen to a guy go on about how he’d rather be with a skinny ugly girl than a pretty bigger girl because HELLO hadn’t I ever heard of exercise and portion control? And its a ‘proven fact’ they smell. Yes, I seriously heard all that today.

Not every fat person is lazy. They didn’t all get there because they eat too much, or don’t excersize. As much as people don’t believe it, shit happens. I got fat because my lithium went off, destroyed my thyroid, and I gained 100 lbs in under six months. Which then gave me type 2 diabetes, which I then gained more. It happens. We’re not all lazy. I managed to lose it. And gain it back. And lose it again. And gain it again. Rinse, repeat. After awhile you just get tired of yo-yoing your life away.  Who was I REALLY losing that weight for?

Why are skinny people so coveted? And its not even NORMAL skinny any more. Its usually NASTY skinny. UNHEALTHY skinny. Its just as dangerous and unhealthy to be 76 lbs as it is 190 at 5’1, but lemme tell ya…that’s not how people treat you. I got appreciative stares at one weight, and sure didn’t at another. I’ll let you do the math as to what went where.

As a person, I didn’t change. Just my body did. But suddenly I was worth less as a person. (Unless you donate me to science, do they pay per pound?) Suddenly that girl is better than me because shes skinnier than me? Why?

This isn’t some rejected fat girl coveting what the skinnies get. I’m a fat girl whose seen both sides, and am in a happy relationship. But I see it daily, and it just disgusts me. Great women looked over and discarded because they’re not models. Pretty, skinny women put on pedestals that take what they can, cheat, lie, and still get more men. Why? Why aren’t people judged for their hearts? I wish peoples outsides mimicked their insides. That way horrible wretched skinny girls got the real attention they deserve. And people with hearts of gold were loved for who they are.

My doctor told me he wanted me to get skinnier. He wanted me 135. I laughed in his face. I told him no way. I didn’t want to be that little ever again. That it was dangerous for me–a recovering anorexic, that I would continue to plummet. He said “Good!” … What? I was worth more anorexic?

Because I am a recovering anorexic, I have to be very careful with my weight. I lost 40 lbs last year, got to MY goal: 150. But there was that itch. (Come on, 145. 145! Let’s see 140! Thats real close to that 135 he wanted! I bet 130 would be better!) I’m sorry but that is NOT the life I want again. If that makes me less of a person, so be it.

I just wish people would judge people on their actions, and not on stupid menial things like looks and weight.