All posts by 108fate

About 108fate

Just some random girl with way to much time on her hands, that spends way too much time on a computer.

Ive found its either go or stop.

Either things are going on enough that I have a topic to write about, or its so dead I can’t find anything to write about. Can’t we have a nice middle? But then again, thats life. 100 mph or dead.

Im back to my old sleep schedule: nonexistant. Im up all hours, and I get up somewhere near lunch to dinner. Thank you risperidal for keeping it straight as long as you did. Unfortunately I cant afford your prices or the weight gain any longer. I didn’t realize it had quite spiraled back to that until I was at Burger King at 4pm and the manager was like “How is your lunch/dinner?” and I answered with “breakfast.” Yep, its baaaack. On the other hand, Im getting to listen to alot of music on pandora and Ive read more books this month than last year combined. (1-2 per couple days.)

Mentally for a long time, with 3 exceptions as of late, I just stay in a “mixed” state. They’re hard to medicate. They’re hard to live with, but I’m pretty used to them by now. Considering its February, my normal month of ruin, I’m just sitting here waiting for SOMETHING to change. Either a depression so deep I can’t function, or a high that kicks my ass. For once I’d be happy with the mixed state. This weather isn’t helping at all, of course.

Once upon a time I handled writing correctly, a beginning middle and end. Here’s the end.

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You are better than that.

I just came across this partial post from 2011 in my livejournal. This was the end of the post:

YOU ARE MORE THEN THAT.

YOU *ALL* ARE MORE THEN THAT. EVERY PERSON WHO IS READING THIS NOW…DO YOU HEAR ME???

YOU ARE BETTER THEN THAT! 

Dont let them treat you like crap! Dont let them walk over you! Dont let them talk you down, make you feel ugly, worthless! Realize that YOU are NOT someones second prize, some consolation prize that only a loser would get. 

LIFE IS TOO SHORT. DO YOU GET THAT? WHILE WE SIT HERE MISERABLE SOMEONE IS HEARING THE WORDS “YOU HAVE 6 MONTHS TO LIVE” AND THAT PERSON IS WISHING TO HELL THAT THEY DIDNT DO WHAT WE ARE ALL DOING RIGHT NOW. WE ALL SETTLE FOR SECOND BEST. THAT WE THINK WE ARE SECOND RATE IN THIS WORLD.

We are NOT second rate. Fuck your IQ. Fuck your weight. Fuck your tit size. Fuck your income. Fuck your education. FUCK IT ALL. IN A SECOND ANY OF THAT COULD CHANGE.

SO YOURE BEAUTIFUL—until a fire ravages your face.
SO YOURE SMART–til you have a head trauma and have to learn how to tie your shoes again.
SO YOU HAVE GREAT TITS–til you have to have a mastectomy because you have cancer.
SO YOU HAVE MONEY–til you lose your job and youre fucking homeless.
SO YOUR THIN–Til you get a disease that makes you gain weight, til you have a child and you gain weight.

WHAT DOES ANY OF THIS MATTER? FUCK WHAT YOU ARE! THINK OF WHAT YOU *CAN* BE!

THINK OF HOW I SEE YOU.

REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE SOMEONE SPECIAL.

Letting Go is something that comes up alot

There seems to be a weird thing that follows me. I love/obsess things that have to do with “letting go” (while listening to a song saying the lyric over and over lol.).

There is LOST which one of the key things in it, especially in the last scenes which has an entire speech about it.

There is the song “Let Her Go” by Passenger. “Letting Go” by Sozzi, which is showcased in Dawsons Creek. (A show that means alot to me.)

I think it comes up so much because I utterly suck at being able to do it.

I can never let go of mistakes Ive made. I can’t let go of toxic people in my life. I can’t let go of my past. I can’t let go of people that are already gone. (That last one I’m finally starting to come to terms with, thank god.) I can’t let go of just about anything, to be honest. I’m stuck.

I don’t mean to be. I don’t WANT to be.

I read once in a numerology book that there are certain things each life cycle we are meant to have, or meant not to have. I don’t know how true that is, and its for a whole other entry on what exactly I’m missing out on, but it does make me think. There has to be something celestially going on that I am this bad at letting go of things in life. I wish I could go into some of the topics, but this is a public place and on the infantisimal chance they were to ever find this, I won’t right now. eventually I may. It has to do with a handful of people.

I used to have a really good memory. Like, REALLY good. Once I got on all these psych meds, I walked in a stupor for approx 4-5 years. I can barely remember anything from 1999-2003. Flashes, sometimes. Maybe I don’t want to let go of things because that would just be more I couldn’t remember? I can really only guess. I’m sure there is some psychological reason. Maybe because my mom went out on Thursdays when I was a kid. Who knows?

I actually quoted the scene from LOST in another entry on here, I remember doing that. Don’t remember what one, or why. Maybe I was complaining about it. I do that alot. I know I’ve posted the lyrics to “Let Her Go”–mostly because it really reminds me not only of life in general, but of being bipolar.

Probably why Ill always remember this:

The most…important part of your life, was the time that you spent with these people. That’s why all of you are here. Nobody does it alone Jack. You needed all of them, and they needed you.”

“For what?”

“To remember…and to…let go.”

Been there, done that, fucking recycling it apparently.

I know at least one article at some point in this wordpress has an article Ive already wrote, Im just too lazy/pissed off to actually find it.

Sometimes it doesn’t really bother me. Most times it just picks at me. Today it fucking just hauled off and pissed in my face, which is why I am here, writing about it again. And prolly coz people on FB will get all pissy and delete me for not being a sheep.

You know how (esp if youre white) you cant use the almighty “N” word. Don’t use retard, it hurts people. “Gay” isn’t for everyday use. Then why the FUCK is crazy?

I am SO fucking tired of seeing “My mommma’s crazy!” “Im so crazy!” “I’ll go crazy on you and get away with it.” and all the other stupid fucking variants. Shut. The. Fuck. Up. You wanna know motherfucking crazy? Try losing your fucking life? Try killing yourself? Try losing everything youve worked for? Try losing everyone you ever cared about? Try never being able to hold a job? Try not being able to go places? Try being stared at every fucking day in stores? But HEHEHE its SO FUNNY to make shitty FB graphics and ACT ALL BADASS OH IM SO FUCKING CRAZY. Shut the fuck up! You dont know real fucking life altering “crazy” its not fucking CUTE or funny. You’re not gonna go beat some fuckers ass. Youre gonna sit behind your stupid computer screen on your stupid ass.

I’m so fucking tired of “crazy” getting a pass.

What kind of death will you have today?

Im seeing alot of posts about grandparents and how old they would have been, and Shirley Temple died. My grandmother was born her same year (1928) which means, had she been alive, she’d be 86 in April. But she died in 1960, in her early 30’s. She was in a fatal car wreck. It wasn’t pretty. The drivers face came off from the steering column. One was ejected, and she had the motor land on her. She was barely older than me now.

My mom got in a near fatal car accident when she was almost my age. She had been in two real bad ones, but this one happened at 32. Her head was stuck in the steering column. The other wreck was I think the year after or before I can’t remember.

Are you catching the trend here?

Im scared to death to be in a car from now until 34. For the next two years I have to worry about whether 3 times a charm. One was driving, one was passenger. Every time I get into my car, I think about how this might “be it”. I know, superstitious you say.

My family don’t usually die of “normal” causes. I have murder, car crashes, a trapeze hanging, choked on popcorn, and alcohol poisoning, to name some.

Cars make me nervous to begin with. But to know that my grandmother I never met died literally around my age now, when I was little it didn’t seem like a big deal. She was old then. Well, I’m that age now, and I sure as shit don’t feel old. I feel 15. And I’ve really always hated being a passenger–you have no control. And we all know what a control freak I am. At least if Im the driver I had a chance to change whatever could happen.

Here’s to the next 2 years.

Tim Mcgraw for random posting for 200, Alex.

I woke up with a few interesting topics in my head. I have pandora radio on and I think I forgot them all lol. My dreams have nicely just turned into crazy random bullshit instead of the normal ‘all to real, I wake up and don’t know which reality Im in, but if Im in the dreaming one Im in a hell of  alot of trouble’. Just that alone brightens my day considerably. I’ve been blaming myself as of late because of dreams I can’t control.

I really love (insert sarcasm) when a post is literally so all over the place that you can’t even tag it, or you have to over tag it, but in my case, I just dont tag it because why the hell would anyone want to read a rambley all over mess? Hell, I don’t even wanna read it.

Then again its posts like this you can hide stuff in. Stuff that deserves its own post but you can’t really write about it because while you want to write, you dont really want people to read it. Post something for no one to read–weird huh? No, sometimes you just need to get shit out and off your chest. I have a livejournal…Im kinda thinking about going back and reading it…it goes back to AT LEAST 2005, before that I think. (well I had to drag my greatestjournal over to it when that site went belly up.) I just remember bitching non stop about my marriage that was a whopping 3 months old. I think I said I hate you more in those three months than the whole 15 years we’ve been together lol.

“Do you remember me?” I said, “Only every memory” “A heart dont forget, something like that.”

What the hell was the point of this post again?

Ever clicked the “new post” button then looked at the blank screen with a “duh” look on your face? Yeah, that’s me right now.

I have a shit ton of stuff I COULD write about but I don’t really think this is the time or the place. (But then when IS the time or place?) I’m just sitting here with a television that is on, but nothing is playing, a dog that is chewing something but everytime I ask her what the hell shes chewing on she stops chewing, a cat on top of the couch licking its ass. Its 10 pm, its cold, my husband is in the bedroom sleeping with the dog and my other cat is no where to be found.

And here I sit.

I just went on my tumblr site, and saw a gif for “wrecking ball” and now its on loop in my head. That song has a way of staying in your head. At least, it does me for some reason.

I was going to cancel my psych appt for Wednesday because I was mainly going in to “see how I was doing” on lithium (which I didn’t start), increased risperdal, increased elavil, and absence of zoloft. So I really didn’t see the point in going, but now I’m going to go so I can talk to him about YET AGAIN another med change. I thought increasing the risperdal would help the irritation, because they usually put me on it for that, but its no longer working. I think I need to get off of it, or lower it, or something, and start something different/new. Maybe I will go back to lithium. What I would like is some goddamn anger stiffler. I wanna tear everyones head off (while I alternate with crying…) and its getting old. I know they have pills for that shit, which I’m gonna have to google and go in with the names, so I have a chance. They want me in therapy coz maybe that’ll “help” my anger but lets be real. Its never worked before (Ill still try it though,) and I just need a damn pill for it. Something to lower my aggression.

My feet are falling asleep and my battery on this comp is half dead. Probably means it’s time to move position and get the charger. We’ll see.

Side note: why the hell do I smell syrup?

Just tired of being tired.

My body is alternating between actual tiredness and physcially being worn out, but awake. Id say I have mono (had it), Preg (cant be), thyroid (its fine currently), so I have no damn clue as to whats goin on. With it, I’m randomly crying/depressed, again all three to be suspected, and none of them actually being it. Ive had cotton mouth horrible for a few weeks, which is now causing me a hoarse cough. I got the flu vaccine against my better judgement, over 2 weeks ago, so I know I’m innoculated. (how bad did I kill that word, I dont even care…)

Tomorrow I wont have the car, but don’t have anywhere to go anyway. Debating calling my psychiatrist and putting off the appointment til next month, if hell call me in some elavil. If not, I’m gonna have to go.

I feel really secretive as of late but Im not so I don’t quite understand. My dreams are getting weird again and feeling all too real which is REALLY fucking with my day to day dealings. I feel wrong. How the fuck do you stop dreaming about shit?? Seriously!

I want out…no I want back in…..

Like every introvert out there, we resemble cats. We want to go out and be social because we think we’re lonely after long intervals of recharge, but then we go out and immediately are in over stimulation and we want back in. With all this snow, I’m getting horrible cabin fever, but then I go out or socialize and I just want to be alone and home again. 

I think the biggest problem I have is just that I want to be “normal” and “have friends” and “do stuff”….and then I try to do said things and immediatly regret the decision. I start getting easily annoyed by everyone around me. I want to say things that should probably not be said. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

I think once the weather breaks itll be better. I can get out, alone, and drive. That’s when I’m best…alone with my thoughts and my music. Now if this goddamn snow could stop dumping all over Michigan, I’d be grateful. 

In with the new, out with the…new?

So I have sprint, and 3 of the same model phone on my plan: Me, my husband, and friend. First my friends started acting up when she had it 6 months. Me and my husband gout ours after her. His started acting up 3 weeks or so ago. He got his phone back, and hers started not charging. While that was going on, my phone suddenly decided it had headphones on and refused to let me hear anyone, or let anyone hear me, but I could hear the phone RING fine. I took MY phone in (A week after I got my husbands back.) a week ago. While that one was out, the friends phone got taken in again a few days ago. I get a call tonight saying to come in and pick out another phone because mines on back order. Mind you, her phone was 6 months old, me and my husbands were a mere 3 months old. So, I went down there and got me a new phone (back to the iphone, ftw!). I’m on my way back into town, the phone rings. My husbands phone took a shit. Back to the store we went. Now his phone is out for service, her phones out for service, and I have a new phone. We did some detective work and found out that the phones not only on “back order” but its been discontinued. They should be expecting their phones in a week or so (the call to get new ones). I’m hoping it goes as smoothly for them as it did me.