Phobias and fears.

One time when I was a teenager I counted my fears and phobias. It wasn’t a pretty outcome. Over a hundred fears and almost a hundred phobias. Ten years later, I can say alot of the phobias turned into fears (a nice upgrade) and some fears went away. I can still confidently state that I have a ridiculous amount of both of them, and they are why I haven’t fully lived life.

I never understood people who went on shows like Dr. Phil to “face” their phobias. Fuck that. You wouldn’t get me in the same BUILDING as a fear, fuck the same room. Makes me wonder either how genuiune their phobias were, or makes me wonder if mine are off the charts.

First of all, I wouldn’t make it to the show to begin with. Not only do I have a fear of long travel, I’d have to drive myself, because I’m phobic of aircraft and airports. Assuming I got to the place, I would then have OCD kick in and make me tick every five or so steps. When I’m in an unfamiliar place or situation I have horrible OCD ticks. Just knowing a phobias of mine was in the BUILDING would give me pause to go inside and the second I heard it was “coming onto the stage” I’d be gone, never looking back.

But I guess thats why the use of “phobia” is so overused. People think that being scared of something is a phobia. No. Thats a fear. You are scared of something. A phobia is something completely different. Just ask someone that tries to throw me into a pool. I climbed away from them and left them bleeding while hyperventilating and crying.

It’s caused me ALOT of problems. I don’t partake in any kind of adventure. Too many things I’m scared of. The germaphobia from my OCD alone makes life miserable. I’m constantly monitoring the situation to see if anyone is sick, if I can touch certain objects, etc. I wasn’t a normal teenager by any stretch of the imagination. Never went to parties. Never smoked, drank, or did drugs. Did nothing really physical (first kiss at 14, sex at 18 or 19) with my boyfriends. Never went on spring break. When I found out my choir class was having to go to New York senior year as a requirement, I quit it.

Then on top of having so many fears and phobias, I have social and general anxiety disorders. I don’t like people. I don’t trust them. They cause disease and possible death. It’s kind of hard to get new friends in situations like that. Or keep them, either. It’s probably a good thing I’m an introvert, because I probably would have killed myself by now.

Never went on an actual honeymoon. Or vacations. Most kids went to disney. You couldn’t get me there kicking and screaming. I was offered a paid hawaiian cruise…no way in hell. That involves planes AND boats. Fuck that nonsense.

I’ve spent a lot of time basically living the life of a house plant. Every now and then I get watered and flourish, but I usually get knocked over by a cat and my leaves eaten.

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