There should be a name for this feeling

Im not discontent. Im not unhappy. Im actually probably happier than I’ve been in awhile.

But Im….sad.

Sad at all the people I’ve lost in my life, and the reasoning behind it all. I dont mean, losing like, death. I mean, losing like, gave up on me.

Lord knows Ive probably earned some of it. Being mentally ill, you never know when youre going to pop off at the mouth and insult someone for the last time. But then part of me is just over here like, ‘but they KNOW I have this illness, and theyre still that willing to give up?’

Im not that kind of person, so it always suprises me when people are. I’ve always been into “treat people as you would like to be treated” and I couldn’t imagine holding something against someone that they may not know they did, or don’t remember doing or that they did while they had no control.

Im not saying people need to roll over and be doormats. Hell no. But what ever happened to people talking shit out? Nowadays, you just get kicked off facebook, and people don’t return your texts and calls. Its that easy now.

What makes people give up so easy?

Ive been ran over, picked up, turned over, ran over again, backed up over, drove circles on, set fire to, and still not given up on people. So how is it people so easily give up on me?

Ive put up with ALOT of shit in life. A LOT lot. Most I dont talk about. No point. Regardless as most people see me as this outspoken, blunt, tactless person (which, 90% of the time I am) there are people and situations I not only bite my tongue, but take alot more shit than I normally would. Out of fear. So when I started to NOT do that, people suddenly ran for the hills. They were allowed to say to me whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted, but I could not do the same.

It takes ALOT…hell…it could probably be IMPOSSIBLE…for me to never talk to you again. All it takes for me to “forgive” is for someone to own up to their actions. Thats it. That simple. “I fucked up.” is enough. I can’t even think of a time that is so unforgiveable I wouldn’t not talk to someone. I believe in talking things and situations out. I can see both sides of anything.

Im sad at the people that thought I wasnt worth the time, energy, or effort. That I put that into them, but never got it in return. Because of this, I dont hold alot of people dear anymore. I dont want to get invested. Whats the point? Pretty much everyone with the exception of a small few, have failed me. That have passed over me for better things, better people.

I hate writing things that are vague. This is all vague. I can’t go into specifics. Not because I think the people I’m talking about will ever see it. (I mean after all, theyre the ones who wrote me off, why WOULD they see this?) I dont know. Maybe I should reactivate a locked journal or something. I wish there was an app on my nook that I could just write on. Maybe there is and I havent found it yet. Maybe I should resort to paper and pen. (takin it old school…)

This was all rambly and didnt make a lot of sense, I know.


2 thoughts on “There should be a name for this feeling

  1. I’m experiencing the same thing, but having BPD I push people into leaving me. So I’m my own worst enemy. I wish there was a name for the feeling I get when I’ve pushed too far and I lose important people in my life too. I pushed them, but they gave up. I don’t blame them, but I don’t like it.

    1. Maybe it’s just that we wanna see how much they’re willing to take and how long before they leave. I don’t really know. I understand when they leave but at the same time I hate them for it.

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