I Wanna Be Sedated

Its been about 18 hours. In case anyone was wondering, Im still in one piece. Some things were taken care of today so that was some stress off my plate. Got my 2 back broken tires replaced. (Well, one new one, one fixed one.) Got some groceries. My living rooms completely finished. Had some talks about the things bothering me. Took a nap. Im alot calmer now, finally.

Supposedly we were having a few people show up to help between tomorrow and Monday but well see how many show up. Im still beyond annoyed, and trust me, there are some things I’d love to go into, but I’m not. Due to low runs for the week after shut down we didnt even make 600 bucks this week, while bills are way more than that. Just like last week, where we made 500 for shut down while bills were almost 700. After we somehow catch up on this mess, things MIGHT start to ALMOST get better. Right now I just really want to sell this van thats just sitting here. We were going to keep it in case I got a job but I wont be getting a job so its just taking up the other driveway space and making it hard for me to see to back out. Plus I could take whatever I get from the sale and catch up for these two weeks. But Im not holding my breath–we attempted to sell it before and to no avail. Which ended up being a kinda good thing only because we used it in the move. But now, here it sits.

Due to the heat, no money, a blown out tire and a leaking tire, Ive been sitting at home and not leaving–at all. And its not even been that bad. Sure, I’d like to go out and do some photography or go somewhere or just go on a damn drive. But then its like, but do I REALLY wanna leave? Leaving is just so much work. Everything is too much work lately. Fuck, half the time getting out of bed its a toss up until I realize Im going to eat the cat sitting on me if I dont get up and get food at some point.

I cant remember having summer depression. Its always in winter. Its weird, but in a way, its almost safer. Mania comes with summer and with mania comes speeding tickets, and maxed charge cards, and weird stupid purchases no one understands, even me. This way with no energy, at least Im not being reckless in every way imaginable. Its odd, because Im so used to that mixed state, that not being in one is just odd. I “function” at mixed. Ive been fluctuating between mixed, mania, and depression for 14 years. Thats the whole reason why I am not a “functioning” bipolar. You can medically treat mania. Depression. Mixed states, not so much. Either your brain goes three hundred miles (mania) and your body refuses to move (depression), or your mind just shuts down (depression) and your body refuses to sleep, refuses to stop moving (mania). Usually I hover in the first kind of mixed. My brain never stops while I have no energy. Which then is weird because then you dont sleep, even though you have no energy. Your brain dont shut the hell up long enough to attempt to get sleep. Now, there is no mania in sight. Not even a slight hypomania. Body aint having it. Brain aint having it. Both just are “fuck it, we quit”. The only up I get is when my OCD starts to freak, and I get anxiety from that, which then I have some energy, just bad, misplaced energy.

I know part of its my fault. I know it. The sane part of me knows why I am this way, the unsane part doesnt give a fuck because its tired of drug dependancy. For 14 years, through all 30+ psychiatric medications, I have ALWAYS maintained at LEAST an anti depressant. I always have ran depressive/manic depressive. Through all the anti psychotics, anti seizure, anti manic, mood stablizer, buffers, anti anxiety, there has always at least been that ONE pill. Even when I went from 15 pills a day–still had that one. (along with my thyroid pill or any other pill I was on at the time.) But I just….get so tired of relying on pills to function. Of everytime Im in a bad mood or have a bad day someone quips “Did you take your pills today?” Because once you have that label, youre not longer a real human. Youre a diagnosis with a face. Take your pills, like a good girl! You’ll feel better! No. I’ll feel LESS like wanting to jump in front of a bus, Im less likely to punch you in your face, but no, I don’t “feel better.” I feel…not as shitty. Yay. Kill my body and my organs in side effects so I can feel “not as shitty”. I think its because between the lithium toxicity that destroyed my thyroid which then lead to cholestorol, diabetes, and PCOS, and then the sulfa drug allergy that caused a hospital stay for 4 days while they saw if I was going to bleed out due to platelets plummeting, I just am really damn weary of drugs. Yeah Ive been on these ones forever. So? Theyre just still slowly damaging everything.

Anyway, Ive noticed that I start on a topic which then jumps to another, to another to another, so Im just going to wrap this one up.

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