I am so fucking ANGRY and no one I can talk to

Considering I have a whopping two friends and I just left one of theirs house so they can sleep, I dont really have anyone to talk to and Im NOT in a very good mindset right now. Im seriously just about done with life and I dont know what the hell can fix this right now.

All this shit is just getting to be too much. The house is so fucking gross I cant even handle it. Were broke. BEYOND broke. I owe doctors, the dog had to skip a vet visit, we have no food, my one tire BLEW UP and the other is leaking, my husband talks to me like SHIT on a daily basis, all day long. I cant even call him because by the end of the phone call hes SCREAMING at me for god knows what this time. The only people I even talk to are my mother, his mother, my sister in law, one friend, and my husband. My husband yells at me and talks to me like Im shit and has taking to in the past few days telling me how useless I am. My mom…well our relationship is strange and talking to her half the time makes things worse. I feel like everyones second (or worse) choice. I feel like everyone just thinks that because I dont work that I obviously dont have a life and I just should drop shit and do whatever they need/want because its good for them. I have NO energy. None. And while my husband seems to think that throwing my shitty sleep schedule in my face is the answer, I cant HELP my sleep schedule! Fibro makes you tired. Stupid sleep schedules make you tired. Depression makes you tired. Being fat makes you tired. Being out of shape makes you tired. Ive been bleeding for almost a straight month. I just CANT DO IT. ANY OF IT. All I want is some HELP. I dont need people to “do it all for me” or whatever the consesus is this week. I JUST WANT SOME FUCKING HELP. NO ONE FUCKING UNDERSTANDS. Im just so worn out. The stupidest shit is impossible. And I feel bad because of it. I already feel useless. I already feel like a waste of fucking space and that there is no point in my existance. But to be told it on a daily basis, THAT REALLY HELPS!

My sense of smell is ridiculous. I can smell stuff no one can. And all I can smell right now is dog pee. Because the bathroom needs to be mopped. But my OCD is so fucking bad I cant mop it. Its getting to an untolerable point. I cant touch almost anything any more. Im scared to eat almost anything because I think Im going to get sick. And everything in here that needs to be done is stuff I cant fucking DO. IM SORRY IM SUCH A FAILURE. IM SORRY I CANT WORK. IM SORRY THAT IM USELESS. IM SORRY ABOUT EVERYTHING. I hate myself ENOUGH. Do you REALLY have to make me hate myself even more??? I dont think I CAN!

Ever since the scare with the breast cancer issue, I feel horrible for even THINKING about the fact I dont want to be here any more. To be so careless with the life Ive been given. But its just TOO MUCH. I dont want to…die. I just dont want to live. I dont want to….be here anymore. I just want to…. I dont even know. Right now all I want to do is just cut and cut and cut until I hit something. Bleed my fucking life all over the floor. But then my OCD would kick in and I cant clean it up. Theres nothing I want to do more right now. I cant drink it away, alcohol does nothing for me. I dont need drugs or pills or anything to not feel. I want to feel I want to feel what a fucking failure I am and what a fucking fuck up I am and I just want to claw and tear and just bleed all over. Im sitting here typing this just so I dont get up and do it. But I cant even do that right. The last times Ive done it Ive been ridiculed and called names and been put down and told I was stupid and everything else, screamed at me and called me names and laughed at me and told me they would commit me because Im a stupid child. Physically did things in the name of what I dont even know. This is the “help” I get. This is the “support” I get. If you know someone who self harms let me tell you from someone who has been there, telling them how stupid and worthless they are while they are doing it and threatening them and laughing at them isnt going to make them stop. Its going to make the situation ten times worse. Its going to make them realize that that person(s) think THE VERY SAME THING THEY ALREADY THINK and its going to REINFORCE that we are USELESS AND POINTLESS AND WHY DONT WE JUST FUCKING DIE ALREADY ANYWAY????

What kind of life is it to not want to live, not want to die. I just want to go somewhere far far far fucking away and just be left alone. I dont need people. I dont need shit. All Ive ever been is a fucking burden. First I was a burden on my mom who had to raise me alone. Then I was a burden on my father who had to pay child support. Now Im  a burdern on my husband who has to “DO EVERYTHING” because he JUST DOESNT UNDERSTAND and it doesnt help when there is other people making close minded comments to him making it “ok” to make me feel the way I feel. Thats all Ive ever been, its all Ill ever be. I came into this life a burden, and fuck, Ill leave it that way too. Ill be some body that they have to pay to get rid of, and then theyll have to come up with a way to pay off all my debts as well. Well, if I was to have a tombstone, which I wont because theyre too expensive, it would say HERE LIES THE BURDEN. ITS FINALLY LIFTED. REJOICE.

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “I am so fucking ANGRY and no one I can talk to

  1. I understand practically every word you wrote… I’ve dealt with on-and-off SI for at least 7 years… I suffer from mental illness. My family doesn’t help me either… when they give me ‘advice’ they just make it worse… So, you desperately want and need help. There must be some mental health program or organization in your area, wherever you live… I would suggest you get in touch with them and find out what kinds of financial aid is available for you, if you haven’t done that already. I don’t know where I’d be right now if my… mental health consumer center… hadn’t urged me to get financial help. It REALLY takes the edge off. I felt guilty for a while, but I know when I reach recovery I’ll learn to be self-sufficient. Connect with others who suffer as you do in order to build a support network, preferably ones that you can meet up with, if possible. I forgot if you said you were married to this guy or not… but you need to GET AWAY from him. The relationship is 100% toxic. Emotionally abusive. That’s the LAST thing you need. I hope you can find help… and by the way, your doggie is really, REALLY cute.

    1. Unfortunately financial aid is never an option. The problem is that we make actually really decent money. However, due to our….spending habits (thank you mania) our bills are now ungodly. Our money all goes to bills and then boom, screwed.

      I was diagnosed as bipolar 1, GAD, OCD when I was 17. I also started cutting then. The mental health system here, well, is less than up to par. I cant go to the “state” places, I “make” to much. Yet due to being broke I cant afford my copays to see my doctor. Its wonderful. -_-

      Yes, I am married to him. We are quite toxic to each other…he ALSO is mentally ill. (That SO helps the situation lol.) You have to remember when I write these, Im in a FUCK YOU mindset…so hes probably going to come off as less than stellar. Lately, I dont know what his problem is, I know hes under a lot of stress, and I know I dont make life easier, so I know alot of it is stress. He lashes out at me when I self harm basically out of desperation. He hates that I do it, but instead of … idk … doing something …. better? He … panics? Hes admitted the time he called me names and etc that that probably wasnt the smartest coping technique. LUCKILY thats not happened since. We’ve had one more very… not good incident when I cut this last time. It has to be hard to watch someone self harm. Ive never been in that boat…Ive always been the harmer. Its hard to see someone self destruct—Ive saw many of my friends self destruct and its so hard coz you dont know how to help/ what to say/ what to do. I know I make / made it sound….whatever…and honestly yeah, it happened that way. We’ve never been a normal couple. 14 years has been a hell of a ride, for sure. But hes done things and dealt with me a hell of a lot better than some people. So I have to give credit where its due there.

      Yeah, shes a cutie but OMG she is a puppy and hell on wheels lol.

      1. I ❤ pugs 😀

        Of course, people can have any reaction you can name when they see someone they love self-harm… unfortunately though, their reactions and what they do about it are very misguided. I understand why he reacts with anger and a need to control… but that doesn't make it okay. You two are EQUAL. He talks as if he 'owns' you, and that is very offensive. I kind of doubt he would be willing to explore new ways of coping though…

        Yeah, I've always been the harmer too. I know it puts stress on people… sucks, but we're not doing it intentionally, like some people ASSume.

      2. Right? I mean while I get what we do is like BOOM fast how is it different from watching someone drink themselves stupid, etc? Gotta remember tho, hes been puttin up with this for almost 15 years. And I quit for like 2-3 so when it started up again I think he just dont know how to start it. Yeah weve talked about alot of stuff and I told him after that time how that REALLY didnt help. There was a time after that that was even worse, and Ive not cut since it happened because it was real bad…honestly idk what would happen if he witnessed me do it again. The past two times were so bad I think coz I literally did it with him like, ten feet away, because I was so out of my mind I just headed for the knives. Before, he knew I did it but I did it alone.
        People that dont do it dont get it so it makes it hard.
        Yeah pugs are the only dog i said id ever have so my thing was, you want a dog, its gonna be a pug LOL. its so funny coz hes 6’4 215 and all in love with this stupid little smushy faced pug hahaha.

      3. Yeah, I had a similar situation with my cutting in the past couple months… I forget what it was, but I had an argument with my parents and one of them said something offensive, I think it was this: “See, I don’t think you HAVE a disorder.” Or whatever. I sat in silence… in derealization/depersonalization.. then got up and impulse took over. I grabbed a knife even though everyone saw me, and went to my room, locked the door, and started going at it. They were able to open the door eventually and my dad nearly had a heart attack… literally… he got really bad chest pains. My mom screamed at me, “Do you want to kill your father?!?”

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s