2-17-13 Spiral

I went to sleep today at 1pm after staying up all night. I got up at 1030pm, laid in a dark room, and somehow managed to mentally sink as low and dark as the room I laid in. 

It started off fine. I could feel it, but it wasn’t going to necessarily spiral out of control. 

I have to say part of it is honestly my fault. After 14 years on medication, and I used to be so good with it, I just don’t really care about it anymore. I used to set alarms, write it down, make sure that I stayed on it, so I wouldn’t go up or down on a moments notice. About a couple years ago, once I was well enough to be on only a handful of pills per day, I just figured, well, why bother? And while the sane me says “hello, the whole reason you feel like this is due to DEPRESSION because you’re not taking the pills!” the other part of me says “and?” 

Is it weird and sick that after so many years of being so numb the only way to even remotely feel anything is to cut yourself to see the life drain out of you to realize you are a real human being? That by not taking medication, you FINALLY feel things? Albeit, you end up usually only feeling sadness, and you cry–alot–but at the same time, just the ABILITY to feel is such a nice thing, you’re willing to sacrifice stability and normalcy. A word, a song, a chord, a thought, a memory, can take you to places from the past that while making you cry or feel, its just so nice to not be a granite boulder that you will gladly live through it just for that moment? 

I’ve actually caught myself being happy on occasion. Me? Happy? Wow. But it’s true. And I catch it and I think–this is happy. I have come to a point in life where it is good enough where I am happy. But then I think–if there is happiness, how long will it be? What will happen? When will it choose to leave? What can I do to make it stay?

I’ve been in my routine for a year now. And it is coming to a close. I get up, drive my hour and a half, go to school. Go to a restaurant where I am a “regular” and they know my order before I even get to the counter. See the same people every day. Some I like, some I don’t. Get back in my car, drive the hour and a half home. Do my homework during the week. Lately, sometimes take my neices or hang with other family members. Things I NEVER would have done even a year or two ago. And now, in just ten days time, it will be over.

I’ve never been one that adjusts well to change. It took me months to even accept THIS routine. And now, before I know it, it’s over. What am I going to do now? Where am I going to go? I’ve been applying to jobs. Hopefully I’ll get one. I’m hoping to go back to school very soon. But then that will be another routine of things I have to get used to. I am hoping that the particular place I want to go works, it is a different school out of the school I am in currently. I would be in the same building, in the same area. But no matter where I go, or what I do, there will be an adjustment period. And I just don’t know if it’ll be adjusted to well. 

Part of me says graduate, try to get a job, and forget going back to school. That’s dangerous. I’ll end up never getting a job, never going to school, and end up feeling as worthless as I have the past ten years. Yes, I’m on disability. I want OFF. I want to LIVE. I want to depend on MYSELF and not others. I want to stop just SURVIVING.

And sometimes I just wonder where all the medication fits into that. I need it to keep jobs or go to school, but then I’m dead inside. I DON’T take it, I may flunk out or be expelled etc, and not finish. Why can’t pills just work for me like everyone else instead of either all or nothing, crazy or numb. 

People who wish to be numb, be careful what you wish for. It’s not worth it. 


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