1-4-13 Addiction

Recovery. Remission. “That thing that used to control me that I’m supposed to not talk about or think about anymore.” 

What I want to know from people who have “battled and “won”” addictions, have you really ever won? How does one successfully overcome true addiction? It’s always there. It never goes away. It always rears its head at the worst possible time. Those that are strong enough to not give in? How exactly does that happen? Was it true addiction to begin with? If you can talk away? If you can get “better”? 

I’m sure at that sentence I just pissed off all you “recoverists”. 

I just don’t get it. I mean. It’s addiction. It’s there. How do you not give in? And if you don’t give in today, tomorrow, this time, that time, next time, at SOME time you will. So I fight it off today. And maybe it goes away; for a week, a month, a year. But it always comes back. Sometimes it’s there, and in your face, and in your brain, and in your thoughts, and its THERE THERE THERE and what then? How strong can you really be, forever? 

Why alcoholics end up back on the bottle time and time again?

Why drug addicts go to rehab and then five years later end up ODing?

Why gambling addicts “get help” and end up homeless when they gamble away their home?

Why I’m sitting here starving because I have almost no food in the house, and all I can think is, “Good. There shouldn’t be food. So you feel sick now. You know after a few more hours it’ll go away. Who cares if you eat? Get a jumpstart on that shit. You used to not eat for days. Fucking sissy. How are you even hungry already? Like you need to eat anyway. Look at you. So you lost the weight, you got down. Then look, thyroid came back again and BOOM youre the fattest youve ever been! Congratulations! You deserve it really. I mean, this IS the highest number! Hell, lets make it higher! Fuck, just sit here, eat it all. After all, whats the point right? No, you remember this. Get it to the point where the sight of food is disgusting. The scent is horrendous. Get it to where you used to be. It’d save money, right? Less shit in this house.”

And the worst part is that one up there isn’t even honestly the problem I care about. 

Because, lets be honest: I’ll cave. Im too fucking fat at this point that if I dont eat Ill just cave. THAT addiction won’t win. It USED to win. For 15 years it won. Being addicted to being able to say no to food. The fatass in me just outshines that guy now.

No, the other one that is always in the back of my mind. That controlled me for so long, so many years. That never really was honestly a “threat” because I knew all the ways to not do it to really be a problem. Well, until they took away everything and I had to find new ways and things. Once that happend, well, it made it easier, for sure. A little more dangerous, but isnt that the point? I sat for almost an hour today just thinking of ways to do it. I could. I still am sitting here even after sitting and breathing and thinking. Because I thought about it so long that now, even afterwards, I still want to. I miss it sometimes. It was my friend. Just like the other guy that went away and left me this fat disgusting mess of a person. They left me, just like everyone else. Hell, you can’t count on anyone these days, can you?

So how is it you strong people just stop, walk away? Was it ever really there for you to begin with? I mean, hell…quitting is something I’m GREAT at, ask anyone! I quit everything! Yet, can’t seem to shake these. If a great quitter can’t quit…

Can’t quit….or don’t want to? Is that what it boils down to? Can’t over won’t? A mixture of both? It must be nice for those people. 

Guess I’ll never know. 


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